Suicide runs in the family. Dad killed himself almost 8 years ago, then my cousin who most identified with did the same a year later.
I know have had some form of bi-polar with major depressive episodes throughout life, and for sure major anxiety, but somehow have always been able to pull through when times got bad.
I have faced the darkness and abyss of just wanting to die and slowly pulled myself out of it, maybe it was easier back then, being younger, in college, more involved in people’s lives, my mother still cognizant and father still alive.
Mom has alzheimers now, I uprooted my entire life 4 years ago to move back to my hometown in order to be around, thinking I’d be of some help, but things have gone very bad. It’s clear now I’m not really wanted here, my mom’s husband has made that much clear.
I beat myself up about it everyday essentially, being an only child, still dealing with unresolved grief following my father’s suicide and a horrible fallout with his former wife over lies about his will and just all this terrible stuff, my mind was not in a clear state when decided to move back.
And have been delusional about it essentially ever since, just not wanting to give in to believe the current situation.
I hate that I look to death, fantasizing about it as a means to absolve my mind of the constant obsessive thinking, that I have blown my chance at a happy life. Gave up the good life I once had, broke away from the community I once had, to be back here, in this dumpy hometown, feeling down most all the time, finally seeing age catch up to me in the mirror.
Its been 4 awful years, and at the moment at least, just feel completely paralyzed.