Loved. Whatever it is that brought you here, we are all suffering in our own way, but please know you are loved. Even if just from a stranger, whose face you will never see, an automated pixel design next to its username. We all came here for some reason, and we are all here for each other. You are not alone.
I wake up today feeling much more like my old self, but just dumb-founded where that self finds, er, itself. How did we wind up here? It really makes no sense to me now. How could I not have just followed the path I was on before? It’s like I couldn’t stand the idea of stability, and so just constantly interrupted and disrupted any and everything that at any time was going smooth.
Had a house, had a girl, somewhat had a job, but still couldn’t find satisfaction. Maybe it was in part still coming to terms with past and present demons, Dad killing himself, mom dying of alzheimers and the impression of feeling unwanted by the actions of my stepdad, and all this other stuff.
I really lost myself, have been lost for 9 months now, and just acted in accordance to what at the time seemed like the best measures to take, but man, I look around now and see where am at in comparison and it’s just awful.
I’m happy to feel much more like my old self, no longer obsessing on suicide and know that it will take small steps to climb out of this.
Just wish didn’t have to go through that lost period, adding so many more issues/obstacles now to overcome.
Suicide runs in the family. Dad killed himself almost 8 years ago, then my cousin who most identified with did the same a year later.
I know have had some form of bi-polar with major depressive episodes throughout life, and for sure major anxiety, but somehow have always been able to pull through when times got bad.
I have faced the darkness and abyss of just wanting to die and slowly pulled myself out of it, maybe it was easier back then, being younger, in college, more involved in people’s lives, my mother still cognizant and father still alive.
Mom has alzheimers now, I uprooted my entire life 4 years ago to move back to my hometown in order to be around, thinking I’d be of some help, but things have gone very bad. It’s clear now I’m not really wanted here, my mom’s husband has made that much clear.
I beat myself up about it everyday essentially, being an only child, still dealing with unresolved grief following my father’s suicide and a horrible fallout with his former wife over lies about his will and just all this terrible stuff, my mind was not in a clear state when decided to move back.
And have been delusional about it essentially ever since, just not wanting to give in to believe the current situation.
I hate that I look to death, fantasizing about it as a means to absolve my mind of the constant obsessive thinking, that I have blown my chance at a happy life. Gave up the good life I once had, broke away from the community I once had, to be back here, in this dumpy hometown, feeling down most all the time, finally seeing age catch up to me in the mirror.
Its been 4 awful years, and at the moment at least, just feel completely paralyzed.
..And sick fascination, glued to the screen of its descent. Binge watching the drama of your life unravelling, slowly, season by season. Gripping entertainment at its worst. No matter the warnings, ominous music threatening the hero’s demise, still you sit back with popcorn and watch it happen. Almost in a way, dysfunctionally, satisfied at the continuing destruction before you…”How much worse can it get? Ooo, lets tune in next week and see”. Somehow paralyzed, unable to gain access to the writer’s room and alter the narrative, however fully aware you know you own the studio, licensing and creative rights.. At least that’s how it feels for now..
Man, how does it get like this? To the point where every time you think you’ve got the solution to better your situation, invest all the energy and time you feel you’ve got left into it, only to find it’s drug you further down and more stuck than you were before? Leaving you that much more used up and exhausted, immobile, paralyzed to make another move, fearing like before, the likelihood it’ll just sink you further down..
You feel like it’s a sick curse, like your life has already been written, unwittingly playing the unfortunate role of some tragedy stricken fictional character, only it’s not fiction. Keep waiting for the turn-around, the pay-off for sticking it out. But waiting doesn’t seem to bring anything, except the disquieting sense of neutrality. That at least by staying still, your actions aren’t unknowingly driving you further down into a place, even more stuck than before. But neutrality hardly feels like living.
I think I know the answer to my own unique neutrality. The hard part is knowing what to do about it, what direction to go. My heart going out to everyone who feels stuck in one way or another. I hope something comes along to help guide a possible way out, or at the least, offer something to make living more bearable in the interim.
At age 34, I’ve dealt with the darkness many times over, faced the abyss, waking up to the desire to no longer be here, but pushing through anyways, retaining a sliver of hope for better days, however long it may be to see them again.
Becoming crippled in my prime, on crutches for 7 months, knee braces for another year and 1/2, struggling to finish college while majority of my peers go about their days oblivious to the able bodied gifts they’d take for granted..The physical pain meaningless in comparison to the psychological, will I ever get better? Is this the new reality? I never got a satisfactory diagnosis or orders to follow in order to get better, my knees were just broken. Crutching home from classes, I wanted so many times for a car to just absent-mindedly veer off the road and end it for me, no guilt, no more waking up to the prison within my own body and mind..
I’ve always tried to keep my head up in face of the adversity..It was only 2 months post graduation, when I got the call that Dad had killed himself. A heavy blow for anyone, not withstanding an only child whose relationship with his step-mother wasn’t the greatest. We both took to our own versions of grieving, issues of an invalid will and mistrust compounding the suffering.
A year later my cousin kills himself, and my mother diagnosed with early onset-Alzheimers.. Through all this, and financial hardship and just trying to find my way in the world, the darkness would periodically return, but I’d always overcome it. I suppose staying active in Portland social life, playing in bands, making art, dating, etc. helped.
4 years ago though, I made a bad choice, returning to my hometown under the impression my mother would be needing assistance with her condition..Removing myself from that Portland stability and plopping down in a place that has always made me depressed has steadily brought me deeper and deeper back into that darkness, deeper than I have ever experienced before.. It’s beyond being sad, beyond apathy, it’s a feeling of having lost my way, derailed potential, drifting beyond the point of no return. And only myself to blame..
It shows in my physical appearance, mass shedding of hair over the past 6 months, no longer looking like my youthful upbeat former self, resilient and capable of bouncing back.. Just carrying this corpse from place to place, increasingly isolating, dreading the exhaustion in putting on a false cheery act for the outside world.. It’s gotten bad. And unlike all the times before, I really don’t know what can make it better. I still believe to continue on is best, no matter how sad and feeling removed from yourself and the world. It’s just never been so bad before.
I feel for all of you out here struggling in your own ways. There is a certain comfort in knowing one is not alone in their own suffering, however unique each individual’s circumstance. Thank you all for your honest and raw posts.