When the tides of life sweep you up like a tsunami no matter how good the ship is you either abandon it or drown but that is a joke because they are one in the same. I tried I really did but this year I am going to kill myself. I feel 5 years past due with the first attempt being at 15 now at 20 I am still plagued by all of my past grievances plus adult issues and I realize it’s a never ending shit show. When you go day by day making up excuses to live you just kinda start to wonder what is all the fuss about? Procreation? I’d never forgive myself if I forced another soul into this world. I wish my mother had some consideration and swallowed me.
I’ve decided to give peace to my weary soul and shed the shell of human self. I have spent so much time going in and out of the reality of human existence, to realms far beyond the soul. Death and Rebirth without intention. My soul is eternal but this flesh is weak and poisoned. Is there salvation for aching bones and tethered flesh? A mind decayed by substance, a soul that cries for renewal. “Feed me to the bliss of abyss” pleads my soul. When i open my eyes and I realize I am myself again and I look at my skin and I touch it and I am real I want to scream, “Wake up you are here again!” Have I lost my mind? I don’t care about the answer to that question because no matter what I seek death.
I simply don’t look at life the same way others do. You can look at is as a miracle but I see it as a simple meaningless cycle. We laugh, we smile, and we cry but in the end it is ALL for nothing, you die. You die and then those who remembered you will die and then you are forgotten. I’d give the same advice to those I will leave behind “be strong, look on the bright side, things will get better.” Just when will they? If you’re telling me this everyday and nothing is changing then you are lying. Some say life is constantly saying no to death but I do not fear death I embrace it. The thought of death is ultimate bliss. Life has always made me feel uncomfortable I do not enjoy its monotonous cycles none of it excites me. People tell me “I’ll be sad if you go”. well I’m sad every fucking day so welcome to my world and like you tell me “Get over it”
It’s too late for me I’m already damaged goods. I’m nothing but a concoction of regrets and despair. My insides are full of darkness. Wallowing in despair plotting my own demise smiling is my best disguise. People keep telling me to “keep pushing it gets better” and when it doesn’t they say it again but they never really mean. I ask them “what for?” and they tell me “because that’s just how life is. Well I don’t enjoy “life” and I never really have. Disappointment after disappointment embarrassing moments always feeling uncomfortable. I guess thats just how it is when you’re a foster child, constantly dealing with people who don’t love you unconditionally, always trying to find “your space” but ultimately invading someone else’s. All for what for a few happy moments. The human experience is so finite and honestly not worth it.
Death Is Only Selfish to the Living
I find no join in life, no hope for the future. Â Loneliness is all I’ve ever known. Â I don’t know who I am, I live vicariously through others as if I’d made a conscious decision to die within myself. Â My soul is weary and my flesh is weak. Â The odds have never been in my favor. Â The thought of living another day pains me. Â Death seems so peaceful.
I can’t remember a time when I smiled before I went to sleep. A time where I wasnt in a fetal position wiping tears from my eyes and wishing I was never born…. I’m curious to see what my future holds but if it’s anything like my past I wont live past 20 and that’s a guarantee
Chris was my savior…. I loved you Chris why? I just couldn’t tell him I couldn’t get on my knees and beg him to take me back. Pride…. but it hurts, I couldn’t begin to describe the pain. Chris you’ve ruined me. I have to stop feeling because my heart would stop if it tried to keep beating through the constant hiccupps of endless crying. There are not enough tears…. But I hate you. How could you do this to me.!? Such toxic emotions would surely poison me and send me right to my grave. So I fake a smile and drift off through the day, never quite in reality anymore because it’s just too much… why Chris?
I Can Not Feel…. It was going great for a couple months. I was high everyday without fail but of course that’s how my happiness is.. going.. going… gone. Weed was basically a dam stopping this flood of depression from drowning me. I’ve been sober a week and it’s all come crashing down. The only thing stopping me now is the fact that I’m emotionally numb, but that might not be enough for long. I do not want to die I do not want to live I do not want to be happy I do not want to be sad because you see I’ve simply lost the ability to want.
I tried to be happy I really did. it worked for maybe like a month but now I’m right back where I was before comfortable in sadness. I guess since I felt it so much I’ve started to like it happiness is so temporary sadness can be forever…. and I think it will for me I’m socially awkward and not worth remembering I’m the true definition of dust in the wind haha it’ll get better though right? yeah right
You guys I know most of you really want to leave the earth but I think you should go to bestgore.com to see what it will really look like after you kill yourself. I’m sure the images will deter you. If your having doubts or not really sure I’m sure that site will help you make up your mind or choose a different method I know personally it changed my mind :/
I’ve decided not to kill myself mainly because it’s what everyone expects me to do. I have this thing where I just can’t be a statistic or a cliche so I have to be the opposite of what people think of me….. I don’t think that makes any sense but anyways my future is way more important than the past and present so I’ll grit my teeth for two more years until I get out of here and hell who knows maybe I’ll find love again I don’t know what’s in my future but I sure would like to see it good or bad 🙂 plus I have lots more drugs to do that’s initially why I didn’t go for a second attempt because as I was writing my note, to make sure everyone knew I was gonna do it out of anger not sadness, I noticed there was a lot of stuff I’d yet to do… mainly drugs so i guess drugs kept me alive in a warped way
I’ve figured out the meaning of life…… it’s meaningless. Being high is experiencing life to it’s fullest potential so I’m gonna go get stoned 😉
the urge to kill myself is stronger than
it’s ever been…… just the thought of it makes me happy. I’m not selfish my family is selfish! they want me to stay here to keep them happy but I’m not happy.! I’d be happy if I was dead I’m done trying to placate people I’m going to do what makes me happy…… I have a plan
I am just depressed extremely depressed severely depressed…….. and unloved. I hate myself, I really really really want to die. But most of all I want something to love and to be loved……
I want to kill myself so badly I’ve tried before but my dad stopped me I wish he hadn’t. It would be so easy to do it the second time around, just slit my wrist right down the middle and bleed out completely numb and finally at peace. But I feel like, with my luck, as soon as I kill myself I’ll get accepted into the school I want James will finally fall in love with me but it will be too late because I’m dead and I’ll get called in for a interview for this job I want. But if I don’t kill myself everything will stay the way it is and I’ll be empty in lonely with a constant drowning feeling in my every waking moment…. I’m ranting. Anyways I really do have dreams and hopes and goals and they all can be achieved but it would be done begrudgingly because in the end all I really want is to die. But for now I guess I’ll just cry, tear flesh, and bleed.