I’m beginning to lose my voice; not through a health condition or illness but because everything I say is meaningless…no one listens and I know deep down I’m not worth the time. I’m not funny and I say idiotic things, you’re suppose ignore stupidity right? I guess it makes sense now. I’ve been feeling like this hole in my chest getting deeper and deeper and I know it’ll eventually eat right through me till I’m completely erased. And to be honest, it relieves me. Maybe someday soon I’ll actually work up the courage to finally do it. It just gets so lonely.
It hasn’t always been this way, I’m sure it was that way for a lot of us. It started off as whispers telling me to give up in middle school and developed into voices saying I was never good enough in high school. Now they’re screams repeating no one cares anymore in my mind. In high school I was able to drown it out for moments at a time because of the friends I made and by trying to keep myself occupied. After graduation, I started to do nothing and it all came back.
Since then I have moved three hundred miles away from home. I found someone who I thought could give me the support I needed and we’re engaged now, but he’s starting to see more and more of this side of me and I can feel the disgust and regret in his voice. I’ve tried to explain my feelings as best I could but in the end I only made a fool of myself. I’ve told him that I need help but his response was so bland, “then get help”. It’s not what he said but how, like its a chore now. I’m a chore now to him, nothing but an obligation. He should be with someone more put together, he knows it deep down but his love for me has molded into pity. I guess he thinks I’d do something stupid if he left and chances are that I would but not here.
I’ve tried making friends here but I have forgotten how. No one laughs at my jokes anymore and I’m easily talked over which I guess is okay, I’m going to say something stupid anyways. I don’t have anyone to tell these things to, I don’t think I ever did to be completely honest. I just feel so isolated, so alone and unloved. I want to feel better but I don’t see it as possible. I wish I could just sleep forever. At least my dreams are peaceful.