This morning I found myself clutching my wrist. There was a bag of razors in the bathroom, my dad was watchin tv, it wouldn’t have been hard to just end it all right there. I dont want to kill myself, I want to be killed. I pray for someone to just run me over, to get my kidnapped by terrorists and shot in the head. I want someone to just do me a favor. Am I being selfish for wanting to leave my family? Do people on this earth really need me or am I just flattering myself? I just dont know anymore. I give up…
REALLY LONG STORY
I’m a thirteen year old girl who seems like I have a comfortable, normal life. but that’s only what I let people see about my life. since December, 2015, my life changed. It started with one nightmare about the people I care about dying, but then it became reoccurring and it became worse. I started having horrible visions about death and even people I didn’t know were dying. One day I found the courage to talk to my mom about it and she seemed really upset and confused. She even told me she didn’t know how to help me. While tears where running down my face, she wrapped her arms around me and prayed. After that the nightmares and visions got no better.
It got so bad I knew I had to ask my mom for profesional help. One afternoon, when she collected me from school, she asked if school was going okay. I told her it was hard to focus on anything and she asked me why. So I said it was because of the thing I told her about, and she asked me if that was still going on. So I told her yes and I told her that I would like to see a therapist about it. She started to freak out and said no, and even told me that I shouldn’t let my friends influence me in telling me that I need a therapist. The thing is I didn’t tell anyone at school. And yep you guessed it, things got worse from there.
That same afternoon when my dad picked us up, she told him about my nightmares, while i was right there, even though on the night we talked, I SPECIFICALLY told her not to tell my dad. Betraying my trust mom, good job. Because of this our amazing relationship shattered into pieces, along with my entire world. You might be wondering just why I didn’t want my dad to know. he isn’t an understanding person that I could talk to. Plus, I dint want him to think of me as a crazy person.
Since I knew I was going to get no help from my mother, I tried to help myself. I started sticking quotes on one wall in my room to make me happy. Since I knew my mom would come in there, I placed one single quote which sounded a BIT suicidal. It
read “Should I run away and change my name? Or should I stay and fight through the night? And never close my eyes. I’ll never close my eyes. -Our Last Night” She had read the quotes and asked me if I was in love or if I had my heart broken. This made me upset know that she was the one person I told about me being depressed and the reason and she automatically asumes I’m in love. I understand that that is just what mothers do, but being a mother of a depressed girl is different. She also told me that she had noticed a change in my behavior, that I was becoming more distant and short tempered. Then why the hell didn’t you get me help. So, wanting to talk to her, I asked her to read the quotes with me and tell me why she thought I was in love. She read the quotes with me and I explained each one to her. When we got to that one special quote, she screamed at me saying it was “fucking suicidal”. She then ripped the quote off the wall, along with some paint, and threw it on the ground. This just made me cry even more. It was at this moment that I realized, I was NOT going to get help from her. We had finished our conversation on a bad note when she brought up the fact that my grandmother was dying and that probably God was sending me signs, preparing me for her death. I bawled my eyes out that night.
So I started talking to my best friend about it, hoping he could make me feel better. Often when I had emotional breakdowns he would stay up all night texting me (we texted instead of calling because I didn’t want to wake up my parents) trying to make me feel better. My mom got annoyed at me staying up late talking to him and wanted me to block him, so I explained that he was my best friend. She didn’t care and told me not to talk to him even if it was just not as much. Can’t. Get. Help. So my grandmother is still very sick, I’m still having visions of death, I’m overweight, I have horribly acne(seriously, You ain’t never seen acne like mine), eczema, stupidly large breasts, depression and I want to end it all.
Right now just killing myself seems like the only way out. But that would be selfish of me, leaving all the people I care about behind. Or am I just flattering myself, they don’t need me. the constant war inside my head. It’s strange, my life. I’m the girl who tells everyone at school randomly that she loves them, telling them that they are beautiful. Making them feel like at least one person loves them in this world. Do they need me to carry on, am I being selfish in ending my pain and not being there to prevent theirs? Or do they not need me? They can find someone else, right? On the other hand I’m Christian, if I commit suicide I would just go to hell. Is it worth it? At times I think it is.
I just don’t know what to think anymore, so just in case, I started writing letters to everyone, and I’m preparing a video for my mom exclusively. I can’t take it anymore. There’s no one to help, no one to sit with me and let me pour my feeling out to them. To get tell me when this gets too serious, what steps to take to resolve it. So i guess this is… goodbye world…
Thanks for caring enough to read this whole thing. You’re BEAUTIFUL. Stay awesome!