Come hang out, we can laugh, cry, hug, sit in silence.
Get yourself to a good drag show, these ladies are so much fun to watch it makes me forget I want to end it. Especially after I woke up to my dog waiting for me outside-a dream- nothing like waking up bawling,, well, her dog, one I had to leave. Nice not feeling like complete shit for a few hours.
Day three, no home, no job, no support system, and not sure how to proceed.
I don’t want to be here anymore. And yet the challenge of driving across the country, for what? Nothing waiting for me anywhere. Money will run out soon. If I off myself I can leave what little is left to the ex. She needs it more than me, she has a teenage sone who is Type-1 diabetic like herself. He doesn’t look after himself, circling the drain, lives with his shitty dad who blames her for his situation and doesn’t help him at all. Her dad wants to sell the house she lives in, her grandfather built it. Its starting to fall apart. But she has a support structure at least, a job, Medicaid.
If I do it at the hotel then any money left I can transfer to her account first. I am tired of being sad and tired. Alone.
In short, dumped, evicted and unemployed and no gas in the tank. Its been a good 54 year run. Dad passed at 5 mom at 29, both of cancer. Dad just vanished one day when I was sent to my aunts for a weekend. Hospice and all that. Karma gave me the experience to participate with mom. Home care til she passed, delivered the dose personally to spare my brother the guilt. She was beyond recovery.
14 and heartbroken by a girl, let’s call her Kara. Who knew tylenol from aspirin at 14. Ears rang for 3 days but lived. Washing it down with nyquil I just vomited alot back up.
Struggled mentally and economically at 18, put a rifle barrel in my mouth, guilt of doing it living under a parents roof stopped me.
Blew out a disk in my neck at 24, won the spinal fusion price, opioid addiction and another attempt at 2004. Oxy’s in oatmeal. Chickened out, had roomates, didn’t want me to be the mess they found.
Set a toaster on the tub in 2011, chickened out, wife was on a trip to see family, another trip I was never included in. Was ok til 2015, wife said she’s done we’ve grown apart, yadda yadda. Took her stuff and split. Never filed for divorce, never heard from her again. She still files taxes as married.
Met who I thought was a good soul in a shitty situation. sparks flew, it was ok for two years. She’s type 1 diabetic, there have been more than a few ER visits at 2 AM. I had a heart attack, won a stint, lost my job, got hired again, to only be let go again 15 months later.
Without unemployment I wouldn’t have made it, we wouldn’t have. Shes got RA and some mental challenges (who doesn’t?), a shitty ex, two kids, parents she hates due to a shitty childhood, and is all-around defenses up all the time and maintains the posture of “if the thought didn’t originate in her head its clearly BS.” Being able to contribute was a miracle last year.
But I love her dearly, the whole thing, I can deal with the other crap but she said I am out because I am the reason her kids won’t visit.
I called BS as no one visits. Like, at all. She hates social anything. We had the kids on the weekends and did great stuff, camping and biking, campfires in the yard, cooking and working together to keep this miracle going. Her kids have no discipline, dad buys them anything let’s them decide everything and is all around checked out because he had the realization he was actually gay in his marriage and had kept it a lie to his kids and parents, so he drinks, does dudes, gets angry, drives drunk, drunk dials. I took the tact of being firm but gentle, hold them accountable. Build confidence by assigning tasks and rewarding hard work. But I don’t take lip service and they learned that I am tough but fair. They then decided despite the court order they were going to live with dad, because mom’s on medicaid due to injury and work changing, and she cant buy their every whim or do whatever they want.
Dad bought his 18 year old daughter a new turbo Mazda. We cant compete with that.
Anyway where was I? Ah, heart attack, Went for a physical complaining of chest pain, lol. She got into accidents with my new truck and her new car that month. Did tell you the car story? So I am making good bank doing IT work and had saved up a chunk to pay off my wife’s bills. But then she decides shes just gonna stop paying into the bills. I called her out on it she had no answer and I told her to figure it out, that the last 10 years of no sex or affection was 10 too long, asked her why she is still even here. So after she left, and I met the current partner, I noticed my new girlfriend was paying and using he sisters 7 real old Corolla, and not getting the credit for the payments. I told her to pick a car, she did, I dropped $5500 to get her into a lease, which is now a pay to own with a year left on payments. She needed a good safe capable car to haul her two dogs and two kids, to be the photographer she dreamed to be independently. She is kinda now but medicaid limits earnings, insulin and supplies are stupid expensive, etc. I got picked up by a great company, got my pay rate without question(guess no bodies willing to work for a paycheck)and great benefits, All to provide. After the heart attack I got ED. She took it very personally. Whether she sought comfort elsewhere who can say. So the kids decide to stay with dad, heart attack, 5 months later jobless. Got a job that paid shit but was a nonprofit and I thought I would rather toil for someones benefit that wasn’t the CEO and their bottom line. Gone from there 18 months later, all the while the GF tears a rotator cuff, loses her job, and her mom has a heart attack. Meanwhile the son is diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and the ex is all like, its your fault because she has it too. So here I am, still not divorced, impotent, making crap, all her burden, and hating the stress of my field. Hate the on-calls, the constant rude interruptions, the impossible expectations. But it pays so I land the big one and 4 weeks in she texts me while doing a gig on the road and says you need to leave, my kids cant be afraid to visit because of you. In reality her kids always blow her off. And the last few years shes left me alone on Christmas etc. Making up lies about not visiting her parents, then last minute doing it without me. It didn’t take a genius.
So here we are, me 4 weeks in a job, grateful and finally can put the resources into this family that are badly needs, even if it kills me. She said I was on the way up. Funny, without anyone to benefit what’s the point. She knows I have no one for a support structure, which is my fault, my choosing. I was told to take care of the dogs for the week while shes away. I have been doing all the taking care of for the last 6 years, all of it. She for the last 8 months has stayed out and over her friends, getting drunk, high, mushrooms… maybe home in bed 1 night a week, her bed. After the ED she moved to another bed. She’s 44, midlife crisis? Loves the weed edibles etc. Used to be in therapy, she was more engaged then. Now shes dismissive, unacknowleging, and unappreciative. Does not offer to help with anything, but has all the energy in the world to work. And I choose to do that, pick up the slack so she would have no excuses to go after what she wanted.
She gave me the week. I left my great job, made up a lame family-cancer emergency.
All because moving all my crap out, selling a bunch of retirement items so as to have resources as I just started the job, and cleaning the traces of all trace of me, at least I get one more week with her dogs. I love them dearly and their loss as well as hers will be unbearable.
So while I recycle/dispose/offsite store everything, I spoil them for the last week. For the last 6 months I have made their diet some kibble, cooked cows liver, carrots, quinoa, and flax seed oil. It has been like having puppies again. I fear they will get neglected, along with our chickens when I leave.
But you know what, I have dealt with suicide-ideation and attempts since i was 5, I have put the gun in my mouth without pulling the trigger more times in the last 6 years than I could have imagined. Moreso amazed because I haven’t done it.
But also I have been listening to Alan Watts and Ram Dass lately. And I think after taking in hundreds of hours of lecture and reflection, that my work perhaps is done here. That I was always destined to take my life, but to take the this breakup/homeless/jobless as the sign that I should have no anger, spite, sadness, etc. To really SEE it for what it is. That it is as it will be, to know its all love and its all one, so I cannot be blind to it. It is time. I have finally arrived at the time I should go, because the separation from all earthly things is completing. I have no desire to push on, for things, for relations, for food. It’s funny, I was invited to a party from the guy who liquidated my assets for me. It is the night before she is due home. Maybe go, then afterwards find a nice secluded spot , write a note saying notify so and so, tow the car here, etc, let all the grief of losing all that love pour out of me, to wail and howl and lament. like giving birth, sort of. Of all my grief. To finally realize I can let it go, my security blanket in this manifestation. And that will propel me to make my finger actually pull.