Friendship is an odd concept. In theory, it can be seen as one of the most beautiful things in the world. However, outside the idealistic view, things are very very dfferent. People who I called friends, considered as friends, and yet I kept feeling, constantly, that I was being hurt by them. And of course, there was a unbalance that was crucial for that. I am going to be a little bit unpolite, and say something about money, because thats what I believe was one of the main issues. Frankly, I don’t believe people from different social and economical backgrounds can come together and just be friends. I know there is a lot of good intentions, but the results are simply disastrous. Its like, forget about the exploitation, forget about inequality, forget about all this stuff, you can still be friend with the people who are there, enjoying the fruits from the exploitation, who were born and raised through this fruits? How would that be possible? It isn’t enough television to make me love my own exploitation? Do I need fake friends to do that for me, also? I would rather not to. But I was so insecure, because I have nobody else in my life, except for these three persons that I see only ocasionally. And they even managed to get the preferencial treatment. Members from my family, an ex-girlfriend got banned from my social circle, because I was so angry, and I couldn’t stand even a casual misunderstanding, and wasn’t able to adress things in a more inteligent way, so I blocked them in my whatsapp account. I didn’t block these three persons, I just stopped notifications, and stopped to open the app. They have tons of other friends, tons of other people who they can count on. What I represent to them isn’t remotely similar to what they represent to me. Thats an unbalance. And thats give power to them over me, and make me more susceptible to take shit. Im not saying human relationships are perfect, and that people doesn’t hurt each other eventually, and there might be no intention in doing so, and that may be a part of a relationship. But when is repetitve, well, it maybe something else. I don’t know what is going to happen in the next days, I didn’t ended any relationship, I just stopped to open an app, but surprisingly, that makes a huge difference. A part within me just want these people out of my life. Im thankful for all the good moments, but the overall damage is too big.
I wonder how death looks like. I feel like I am feeling the presence of death. Its an odd feeling, like that same feeling that comes when watching the TV, with all the crime stories. You look to all the human disgrace, and how cruel a human can be, the gory details, the violence, and it leaves a stamp on you. Something hard to grasp. A void. A ghost-like presence resembling the smell of ashes, old stuff, a grey feeling. But there is also a part in me, with a note of rejoice, pleasure, as if I wanted to see those things happening, the blood running, the violence, all of it. Thats hard to follow, I feel like I should be mourning, even though nobody is dead, nobody I knew personally. What should be the actual, right thng to do, the right action to take in response to all the human disgrace? Should I stay just here, sitting, trying to cultivate a certain aspiration for a thing called happiness, or there is something else to be done? But would I have the courage to do it, would I have the will?
My life looks so depressing at this moment. You know, if feels almost like AN insult to accept this situation and live things just normal. It probably will pass soon or later. And the fact that I used my last Money to buy a bottle of cheap alcoholic beverage makes things even more depressing. But, what can I do about that? Its not a crime to drink, and it was my Money, so thats nobody’s business. Except for, my sister is kind of a n alcoholic, and she already went through some really tough shit, with doctors, and ambulances, and institutions, that kind of a stuff. I mean, I am not gonna drink with her, of course, but her room is just next to mine. So, what I am doing is kind of a bad thing to do, right? But thats life, I just want to have a drink, nobody that I know wants to drink with me, they all live very far from me, and don’t like alcohol as much as I like. So, I guess I must do it all by myself. Generally, lonely drinkers are seem as depressing people, but drinking is equally depressive no matter if you are alone or with friends, in my opinion. It depends on how much you drink, and in what situations you do that. So yeah, I already bought this shit, and I am going to drink it.
Sorry folks for spilling my meaningless worries here, and all of those people passing through serious shit and I’m here worrying about drinking or not drinking. Im a jerk, right? Thats fine, I admit it. Forgive me father, I have sinned. Good night, everyone.
Im proud of myself because I hadnt rellapsed again. Today I was like “Oh my god, what reasons do I have for not doing it?” Its always in these days, when everything seems insufficient, nothing is satisfying and then the worst mistake I can make in my life seems terribly atractive. But im trying to make things decent now, I dont want to screw up everything.
Young lady finds her husband and get her passport for a higher class lifestyle. I must be just another useless, lunatic person that has appeared in her life, and since my lifestyle isn’t that interesting, so why keep me in her social circuit, right? Oh, I hope that little wifey is very happy living in her mediocre marital servitude, cleaning the house all day long, making dinner for the hubby, 21st housewife, what a bore! I think we’re definitely too much different to be even just friends.
A set of people overwhelmed by accumulated frustation, living in a collective suffering, not in an empathetic way, but in the form of mutual agression, that often assumes subtle and disguised features.
I made a post here some weeks ago, and I remember that there was someone who has commented something, but I did not reply. It may be late to say that, but I wouldn’t like to say thanks for that comment, it did help me. So thanks.
I also remember that even earlier I had made a post here about many issues that I was dealing with, and these issues hadnt disappear, some of then even got worser. I remember I even received some advice, and I didnt followed the advice, because I am stubborn, and today I think I should have paid more attention to that comment. It was about by brother who was starting to affirm himself as a trans woman, and I was (as a matter of fact I still am) in a process of assimilating this change, and start to look at things in a diferent way. Actually, I think there is some hipocrisy going on in this house right now, specially from my sister, but also me, I am not trying to accuse others and free myself from any charge, because definitely my behavior isnt perfect, and my conduct is very far from being irreproachable, and that isnt something very pretty to say, but its true, unfortunately. I really think that the increasing of visibility about the issues of trans population is something positive, and that people start to question the more traditional models of gender identity and start to explore other identities, I also think that is positive, and I believe it will have beneficial effects for our culture. Despite this belief of mine, when has come to the moment that my brother start to affirm himself as a trans woman, this change hasnt reached me in a very soft way. In any case, I don’t think this is something trivial, and I don’t want to make it sound like it is something trivial, just because I need to appear as suficiently progressive or politically correct. Any attempt to appear as something that I am not will not be a good thing, generally speaking, and if I am not progressive enough or politically correct enough, to pretend that I am will be just bullshit. But anyway, that matter isnt necessary related to politics, and I don’t want to make things more complicated than what they already is. What I am trying to say, and I don’t think I am talking bulshit here, is that is necessary to recognize what is going on in our heads, in our feelings, and sometimes, against our own beliefs, we have some psychological tendencies that lead us to act and see things in a way that can even contradict some of our beliefs. And if I choose to ignore all this deeply entrenched, unconscious patterns, then the probabilites that I will not be able to change myself, and act according to the beliefs I found valuable will be higher. So, thats what I am trying to say. In the culture from the country in which I live, from the family background where I grew, it would be a great naivety to think that this gender transition from one of the members of this family, would be something that will occur without any sort of reaction. even if those reactions doesn’t correspond to the actual conscious belief about the subject. Whether or not these reactions are justified, thats another point. The fact is, that these reactions exists, and it is important to acknowledge them. Thats something I need to work with myself, but isnt a smooth process, I wish it were. And I think this is fundamental to understand the following. My former brother, when this transition started, became very aggressive against all the family. And, as a matter of fact, from the pure ethical point of view, her actions could be considered as disturbing. But living in the place I live, I can even understand the anger, I get very angry sometimes here, but I can’t endorse the agressive acts, however. The only thing I can do is try to understand the cause of this, and not focus just on the effects. I mean, this Family was Always marked by this stamp of a fuzzy aggression; since I am the youngest of three siblings, I have Always heard my brother and my sister complaining all the time about my parents, and there was a point where I couldn’t fully understand why, but this kind of talk has become something natural, and honestly, I regret I listened that much to them. Because it has killed the confidence I had in my parents, and i am talking about a working class family in a third world country, so yeah, things are really tough, my parents may have committed some mistakes, but I think is way more productive to look at the problems of society as a whole, rather than focusing only in the familiar context, and interpretating all the bad things that happened simply as flaws from my mother and father. However, I understand in some degree, these feelings, but the problem is that i that I grew in this environment where it was something natural to cultivate hate for my parents, and at this moment this sounds quite insane, and I think this had had negative consequences in my life till this point. And perhaps my new sister’s agressiveness against family has a root there. So the old family problem only got worse in all this twenty three years of my life. But it is not enough to say just that. I can remember specific episodes, from my own experience, that is linked with a behavior from my parents that could be labeled as abusive. So there might be a part of the ressentment from my siblings that is justified. But I am not sure if all of it is justified. So, I reserve myself the right of not sharing these ressentments, and all this conversation that won’t lead us nowhere except from staring at a blank point on a wall dazzled by how much my life is fucked up.
Anyway, Im tired of talking about this. Today I realized (kind of late to realize that, but okay) that what I really need to do is focusing in how to adapt myself to the reality in which I live. I don’t see how can I run away from that. Sometimes I think about dying, and then comes that great feeling of redemption and peace when I think about that, but, if I decide to live I must adapt myself to this fucked-up world, and this fucked-up culture. Because, I believe I have serious problems of mal-adaptation, and probably thats the direction I need to focus, actively. Not just try to develop fully my potentials, and stuff like that, cause you know, to keep developing my potentials alone in a closed room most of the time is not exactly the life I want for myself. I need to be socially active. I need a job, and I don’t have not even a clue on how I am supposed to get job. I don’t know nobody, I don’t have very much skills that could be used in a company, so I am fucked. Thats what I think. I will try to get into the university next year, but I don’t know if am going to pass the test, because I haven’t really studied much for it. The only thing I can do it’s navigate through the internet, searching stuff, but that’s not very much, right? Its terrible, i don’t want to waste time, but at the same time I don’t know what to do. Reading the news is starting to make more sense to me, and I think that it may be a small move in trying to get in touch with reality, so I can adapt myself to it. But the picture isn’t very pretty, is it? And not just the facts about the world, but the facts about myself. I feel like there is a sadness about the world that connects with a sadness about myself, and it is hard to face those feelings, this reality, as it is also hard to face the everyday facts and the sad stories about the world in which I live. That sounds like a revelation, doesnt? I feel like everything is falling apart. Its scary.
I wonder if just ignore the problem is always the best way to deal with it. One person told me something that sounded almost like that. If you happen to live through an unpleasant experience, even if you got hurt by someone else, shouldn’t be the best thing to do just ignore that person that hurt you, not play by his or her game? Yeah, but only in a fantasy world that would really work. So I am supposed to ignore the fact that I am being hurt, am I supposed to ignore the fact that person X is actually hurting me? So if i don’t think about that I won’t be that much affected by it? That sounds very wise, indeed.
The other problem is self-deception. To become attached to prejudices, ready-to-wear truths, and there is no possible communication that can happen at moments like that, if each part helds its personal view, and there isn’t any much concern for the validity of what the other person is saying. What matters most is who have the most persuasive argument, be it reasonable or not. Yikes.
The funny thing is that I am person mad about the world, but yet I feel so shit about myself and about some of my choices that sometimes I don’t feel I have the right to criticize anything about the world. Or maybe is just because I heard so much about the need to vibrate not in the negative patterns, but in the positive ones, that I have become so afraid that everytime I pointed out something negative about the world, I was actually creating this negativity, and I should not do that. But forgive me, this doesn’t make any sense. Happiness isn’t built only through verbal maneuvers, and there is situations that no matter what one can say about it, it will still be a nightmare, and there will be no positive patterns to which I could link my mind to.
I read a couple days ago about stories. The power of stories, how stories actually shape reality, and how the meaning of someone’s life depend, basically, on a story that he or she shares with other persons. I already had felt a strange sensation sometimes, mainly in the past year, and it was a longing for something I couldn’t perfectly explain or even understand. It was only when I was reading that thing about stories that I realize what it was. That I was longing precisely for a story I could share among others, so that my life could have more meaning.
I am a quite anti-social person. And there is few persons that I talk to, and even with these few persons – and the number seems to be decreasing -, there is not much of a story, a strong narrative that I share with this persons. And sometimes I feel terribly lonely, as if really nobody could understand me just a little, and to that people say that’s the way of the world, and nobody can be fully understood by all persons. Okay, thats right, but I am not asking to be understood deeply, in the bottom of my heart. I remember that I had this feeling I was sharing a story with others when I was in school, there were persons which I could talk to, and it was like as if it there was a narrative that connected me and the other persons, and somehow it gave some meaning to my life. It was like I had my experience, my feelings, my aspirations, and all of that could be framed in that story that I shared with others, and this was very important to give meaning to what I lived. I felt it again, after that, of course, but there is an odd moment when it crashes. And there is no narrative that connects you with other people anymore, in fact, there is no narrative on which life could have some meaning.
I don’t know if this was clear enough, but I think that is the closest I could get to the bottom of it. I think almost all of my suffering comes from that. I just don’t want to be with people that will try to impose their views over me, i’m very tired from it, the only thing I can think about that is some people want others to be docile to them, and sometimes you don’t want to be heard, and you will be not allowed to speak, and even if you do speak, everything you say will be, if not completely ignored, at least if will be disqualified, so it is like you haven’t said a thing. It is like nothing that can come out of your mouth has any value, it is like you can’t really think, and you are incapable of making any sense. And I don’t want to be in that place. I already have been is this place for some time, and it is very humiliating.
I originally had the idea to make this post here because there was something I was perceiving and I thought it would be worthy to share. I don’t know if that has any value now, since this has become more like a personal vent than anything else. The fact is that I already made so many posts here, and I think sometimes I forget the seriousness of this place, and I really thought that none of my posts would be helpful, and maybe not even helpful for me, so it was probably a good thing to erase them. So, I am trying to be more reasonable this time, even though I don’t know if I am really achieving this goal. But that’s it.