my friends bday is coming up. after fucking it up last year and having a mental breakdown i want to surprise him this year and be a month clean. i want to message him and say “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! oh and my present to you because i know it will make you happy….i havent had a joint or a drink in a month 🙂 april **th was my last day.” but i cant do it. i havent had a drink in a day or so and im a b*tch. my husband mentioned that im “on edge” and thats the first time in my life ive ever heard those words, let alone heard them in mention to ME. i cant handle my relationship sober. everything is wrong. “help me i cant do it alone” “f*ck off. im independent. i can do it” “dont touch me, i think thats all you want” “dont you love me? why cant i get your attention?” i have a headache. all i can think about is my death, my paranoia. why cant someone just kill me, its obvious life wasnt meant for me.
i dont validate my mental state. i dont believe i deserve it. my life wasnt that bad. it could have been so much worse. why am i so bad off right now? i want to let him rape me. i want to let them beat me. i want to deserve where i currently am. things should be even. i dont deserve my current problems, they outweigh the cause. im weak. i cant handle life.
i am sinful. i drink until i pass out. i smoke up until i cant think. i cheat and lie. i selfharm until i feel the pain for days. i dont deserve to live.
why are video games more important then me? my exs ignored me to play them even my own father that hasnt seen me in 18yrs does it. oh well….i guess no one likes me 🙁
I cant figure out the answer and i figured who better to ask then a bunch of depressed people. Ive been trying to figure it out for like a month ugh.
my grandfather is being stupid. my brothers are scared. my doc told me im fucked. and i cant do anything about any of it. my stress levels are through the roof and i want to give up and paint a picture on a wall with my brain cells. husband says wait until i see my doc again. i think i dont love him anymore. im stringing my friend along. i shouldnt even have people in my life. im too broken to be apart of the human race. i dont belong here.
Psychiatrist called today. What’s wrong with your medication. I became sick. Well all medication has side effects but they will go away. That’s nice but I can’t be going insane, sleeping all the time, or being so sick I can’t do anything until it does straightened itself out. Well then I don’t know what to do for you.
Medication was my only hope. I guess I’m finally completely hopeless. The doctor even said so. I guess that makes it official. I’m a lost cause.
*Coronavirus* “oh no are they closing the liquor and cannabis stores!” No phew. However I got wrecked on both last night and already had a drink at 8am. Yep it’s only a matter of time before I get sent to rehab. It’s clear where my concerns lie. I’m a horrible person :'(
“Be with someone who brings out the best in you, not the stress in you”
Everything he does stresses me out. When i ask for something its always met with a sigh or some displeasing thing but he says i can ask. If he does say no he feels the need to give me a million little reasons that should mean nothing if you really care. Ive tried to break up with him an uncountable amount of times before and after the marriage. Its always “i can change” but youve pushed this on for so long that the problem is no longer you its me. I still care about you. Really i do and thats why im still here. But i fear you have destroyed my love. That once fluttery feeling i got is gone. Im sorry.
Omg I’m turning into my abusive mother. Please kill me before it’s too late
It was 3 1/2 months until my 21st birthday. As a paper carrier if something happened I knew about it. I watched the articals become more and more about the disease. Infection after infection. It didn’t take long for the elderly to die. Cities start closing. Roads becoming empty. Grocery shelves stripped bare of any products that might have been there at one point. My own little town, apocalyptic-like.
“A few months” everyone figured we’d be in this state for a while. What they didn’t plan for was evolution. The disease changed. Became stronger. It started to spread to warmer climates. Infecting not only the elderly but the weak. And soon they started dying off as well. The number of deaths rising. It started off with 1 every few days. Then they began dying off faster and faster. Thousands of deaths daily now.
I watched as the disease evolved again. Killing off the healthy and young. More and more people died. If you got it you knew that was it. Within a few years, everyone was gone. All that is left, is me. Just me and my thoughts.
I thought my mental state was bad before. However being in a world entirely by myself drove me completely over the edge. In a month complete insanity kicked in. And now, 18 days later, I sit here writing this. Knowing i cant go on. This extreme loneliness allowing my thoughts to take over. They are slowly killing me. I have to kill them first. I’ll send them out with a bang.
Now my goody two shoes, straight as an arrow friend wouldn’t mind having a drink with me. If I remember correctly before he swore hed never touch the stuff. I never meant to…… It’s all my fault….
Stupid fucking idiot. Me. I’m the stupid fucking idiot. Look at this message my friend sent me “If you can keep fighting your addictions and win, that would be awesome, and i’d be super proud of you” I lied. I knowingly lied to him. Im not leaving my smokes home. No I haven’t had one in years but might as well. Proud. HA! He’ll never be proud of me. I’m nothing more then a fuck up. Why can’t he just listen to me and go find a gf that will treat him the way I wish I could
im with someone that is negative, hypocritical, and seems to only see my body.my situation is fucked up and its all my fault. im married i really should drop my friend, its all my fault. ive fucked everything up. at this point i just want to watch my head explode.
(might have been a bad time to get drunk and high. on top of this my grandfather will be here in a few hours. the one person that knows nothing about my mental state, the drinking, the drugs, cutting……and here i am in an extremely bad mental state, drunk, stoned and probably about to cut) professional fuck up. im so much better off dead. no one needs me im just a pain in the ass.
Rispredone, olanzapine, brexpipazole.
Antipsychotic, antipsychotic, antipsychotic.
Im going to go psychotic if i keep seeing that word. How is one suppose to “get better” when they have to live with that hanging over their heads. I cant anymore. I dont want to.
Ill save them. Either sooner or later one will work or ill get fed up and take everything i have. (Doctors dont think this through do they?)
im done with therapy. im done with medication. there is no hope for me and that i am willing to accept that, although its not like i have much of a choice but to accept it.
And right now im in the perfect position to just watch myself fall……..i wonder if ill jump this time.
(To future me when i read my old posts) im currently in the position to convince my husband to leave me because of the “abuse” and my friend seems to barely notice me anymore. “I swear i still care” then stop playing your fucking video game and prove it.
A bit of background on the video game thing. All of my exs ignored me. They were either ignoring me to talk to their friend or play video games and HE knows this. In fact when i was with “jackass” he was apart of it because jackass would always ignore me to play video games with him. So theres some back story as to way it annoys me a bit more then it probably would most.
And no im not being needy im just asking the he doesnt just ignore me like im not here. He can play his games i dont care. I just want to know where i stand with him. You cant say you care about someone and then blatantly ignore them when you know youre the only person they have.
im tired of hearing it. its posted all over songs, quotes, you name it. time and time again i read about how something helped someone not commit. and dont get me wrong im glad they are in a better place. but on a personal level its annoying. because everything just makes me worse. the stuff that is suppose to “help” does nothing. im mentally deteriorating. going insane. my disassociation has me living in a fantasy world more often then not. im not even sure what the real world is and yet somehow i interact with people on a daily basis like nothing is wrong. although i have a feeling im not doing it right. i cant tell. how much longer do i have wait until there is no sign of reality left? until i am completely living in my mind.
anyway i have to go see what they want to drug me with next considering the risperidone just speed the insanity process up because f*ck disassociation it doesnt like mood stabilizers. ill update this post when i get back im sure ill have something to be unhappy about.
update: i am now on Olanzapine. YAY ME! oh an update on my “friend” i broke down and messaged him. then i deleted it. he came back with “Hey, I hope you’re doing ok, I’m guessing not so good considering the deleted messages… maybe I’m just thinking too much, but then again you haven’t been talking to me… idk, anyway I hope you’re doing ok, here are some hugs in case it’s not (and 14-15 hug emojis i lost count)” so i messaged him saying i had a doctors appointment but if he wanted me to i could message him when i get home. hes like “whatever is good for you (hug emoji)” so i say hey and turns out he was soooo concerned about me that instead of checking in on me and seeing whats up like “oh you know nothing much just bashing my head off windows and ripping my hair out” (that literally happened the other day) he decided to play a video game instead. like yeah thnx seems like you really care. so i guess my feelings dont matter anymore he decided for me.
looking back through my posts it seems the majority are about my friend and how i fucked up. then theres the few about how my husband annoys me. (followed by the occasional drunk post but they arent important) its clear how i feel but with my disorders its not that easy. and that aside he said we’re never getting back together. and the worse part…he didnt say it because he hates me or anything like that. he did it because he knew that because of my disorders that it would hurt me to be with him at this point. theres just so many problems with everything. the whole situation makes me feel like i have no control over the rest of my life. like this is just the way it is now.
I just took 15mg of melatonin. I’m not trying to die. I’m not stupid. I’m just trying to sleep away the pain for a little bit. Good night everyone 🙂
hahaha so i have noooo idea what to do with him. we can go back to my other post for a minute about him having a gf and how im not the happiest about it but ill accept it. ok that mentioned lets go into a few other things.
first about the gf but a different problem. like i said ill accept him having a gf but this problem is a bit harder to accept especially since hes already showing signs of it and he doesnt even have one yet. i have abandonment issues. he knows this. he also knows i lost my last bff to a bf and her and i have rarely talked since and this was like 5-6 years ago. im TERRIFIED im going to lose him so my brain is like “go into defense mode. detach yourself from him before its too late and you get hurt.”
but then theres another problem. he has depression and anxiety. hes trying to change himself so he can “get better” and the other day he came to me looking for approval to do something his anxiety was telling him no about. im literally his only bestest friend thingy. like there are topics and things about him that literally im the only one in the world that knows. he feels safe telling me anything. and all of that makes me feel like i should stay around and suffer so he can have a chance to “get better”. not only this but he has told me on many occasions that if i were gone he would do nothing but worry about me and him knowing my mental condition doesnt help. we talked in school and stuff but when i moved out and got kicked out of school i didnt talk to him for 3 years i think. he said he thought about me and worried a lot because even back then he knew i was….lets just say wasnt quite right. he knew i thought about suicide and that i cut and had a tendency to hit my head of the wall. like duh of course he worried. and now my condition is worse then it was back then i can only imagine how much he would worry now if i was to go. especially considering the suicide scare (We will call it) back in……i wanna say november but dont quote me. and ive been watching a lot of videos about death and i picked out an urn…..yeah if i was him i wouldnt let me out of my site hehehe.
i dont want to go i just feel like i have to. like id be a hindrance to his relationship but he said it would be fine and that he would just explain that im a mentally unstable friend and if she cant accept that its her problem (he said that (but i paraphrased) so i did talk to him about it a little but i didnt mention the last big paragraph that i have posted here (rereading it i didnt tell him about the abandonment thing either or i at least didnt go into much detail about it. i dont remember) because i dont want him to feel bad). but i mean at the same time i feel like i have to stay and be his emotional support as im the only person he has plus hes been my emotional support since the beginning. before i even knew he was there for me, he was there for me. he put up with my cheating because he saw something wrong. he knew i wasnt just being a b*tch. not only did he put up with my cheating but while i was off with other guys he was asking his mom if i could move in (and his mom said yes) because, like i said, he saw something was wrong. but i walked out before he could tell me. i couldnt handle my cheating anymore. he deserved better and better wasnt me.
point is i have no idea what to do and i honestly cant see me emotionally feeling good for different reasons if i stay or go. what would you do? stay or go? and why?
so i have this cute urn picked out but i want something engraved on it. i found something i kinda like but im not religious. maybe someone knows how to reword it because im stumped.
God saw you getting tired, when a cure was not to be. So he wrapped his arms around you and he whispered “come to me”. you didnt deserve what you went through, so he gave you needed rest. gods garden must be beautiful, he only takes the best.
also theres the added problem of i get 3 lines
so if you could maybe help out that would be awesome. thnx in advance also anyone try saying why not just use the god thing or whatever will have their comment immediately deleted as i already started im not religious. glad that you are but i see way too many flaws with the whole thing.