How’s that saying go? If you can’t fight ’em join em. I think. Anyway what if I stopped fighting my disorders. What if I lived with them. Just day by day. Some days are bad some days are ok. It has to at least be less stressful then swimming against the current.
I’m getting tired of them humoring me. I feel like I’m being treated like a child. And the worse part is I can’t say anything about it because they’re right to. I get upset easily and I know they mean nothing by it but it will still upset me. The more days that pass the more I think I am better off alone or dead. I do nothing except cause people problems.
ok so a bit of backstory to the question first. im watching river monsters and a child got eaten by piranhas (piranhas theyre from the amazon (sorry for the nemo reference it just kinda popped in my head))
anyway my question: if someone is dying and you have the chance to save them, do you?
morally the answer is well yeah duh. but if they are dying they will most likely (depending on the cause obviously) will be really messed up, either physically mentally or both. is letting them live the rest of their life like that really better then leaving them for dead?
I really should stop doing it. Every time I open my mouth I hate myself a little bit more.
there i went, fucking stuff up again. i really would be better off dead
friend: if youre reading this ( i know you arent. i dont even know why im doing this. just in case i guess) anyway…
if youre reading this im sorry. you…..i dont even know what to say. i didnt want to. you know that….why am i even doing this. im sure you wont be gone for long. its for the best though. i know you dont agree with me. i know for the past 24hrs youve probably been sitting there worrying. trying to act like everything is fine meanwhile on the inside youve been waiting for my message. something, anything to say im still alive. and i am. for the most part im ok, i guess. as ok as one can get that is suicidal. and im sorry you ever entered my life. i dont regret knowing you. youre an awesome guy and i really couldnt ask for a better friend…but im the problem. i always have been and i always will be. i thank you for protecting me from myself all these years. but thats not your job. youre only young (yeah i know youre older 😛 ) but you have so many years ahead of you. you should be living them instead of worrying about me. you deserve a happier life. a life that im not a part of. a life where you dont have to worry about whether or not im finally going to make the jump. you deserve so much more and thats something i cant give you. i know you look past my flaws, i know you accept my mistakes as a product of my upbringing, i know youd forgive anything, youve proven that…i just feel that you would be happier without me. i know i know you cant forget me. you can at least try, cant you? also you know me i wont be far. and you can message me any time and ill read it. you just wont know i read it and……depending on what it is…..i might even answer. i know you dont mind “putting up with me” but i mind. ill miss you…..and i hope you always remember the good ones.
ps if youre reading this because i sent it to you…..all i can really say is i said it wouldnt be for long hehe 🙂
those mental awareness videos in school and what not typically depict a sad person, sitting alone. and then a few people will show up and do anything and everything to make the person happy.
i hate being “that person”. my friend will change his plans for the day just because i want to talk.
i just want to disappear.
i was wondering if anyone tripped across a selfhate “game” either online or android. i was thinking something like where a “bully” messages you to the point where you really hate yourself although ill look at anything along the same selfhate idea. and please dont tell me i deserve better and that its a bad idea.
if you could add in some of your own insults that would be cool but i dont want to ask for too much so this would just be an added bonus
You’re perfect. You’re sweet and kind and patient.
And I’m not right for you. I’m not good enough. I’m not perfect like you.
im sorry. i hope i didnt bother you by commenting. i just thought youd like someone to talk to about it. someone that would listen and not judge you.
my friend doesnt make any sense. maybe im just missing something. with him…i could get away with murder. literally. like i actually asked him about this and he said yeah. but everything i do….if anyone else were to do it, hed hate them. he hates alcoholics. he hates druggies. he hates anger. he basically hates everything i am but he doesnt hate me. he just lets it roll of his shoulder like its nothing. yeah it upsets him and he wishes i wouldnt but he doesnt hate me for it and he never gets annoyed with me. ive even tried and the only thing i succeed at was feeling like sh*t.
i lost probably the best thing i had, didnt i?
anyway happy birthday dude and sorry i couldnt stay sober for a month. i promised you today though 🙂 and although i havent told you….i feel like you know. maybe because i stopped talking about it. you just kinda assumed. and i know i should tell you but i also know part of you would be hurt by it even though youd still be happy i tried. and i know youd understand a month is a lot so i did pretty good making it as far as i did but it still scares me to tell you. i hate hurting you and i feel like thats all i ever do.
made everything seem absolutely fine even though i was highly depressed, skipped worked, drank and played a game with my friend, he had no idea about any of it. i didnt mention anything about depression. he doesnt know i didnt go to work today. and he doesnt know that the whole time we were playing a game that i was drinking. i would have been high too but my weed was with my husband…at work. now i just need to keep up with everything seeming fine. break up with my husband. move out on my own. keep hiding everything from my friend and get involved with drugs and shit so i can have a place to stay without having a job. this is gonna be fun. and maybe if im lucky ill die at some point. hopefully not before any of this happens though, death right now would be difficult but if this situation i have dreamed for myself succeeds my death wont matter to anyone.
It seems like every time my loved ones try to be “helpful” they just do the complete opposite. Like last night i was talking to my friend saying im probably going in for an xray on my chest and head and an mri and i dont want to because i already had like 5 xrays. (I lost count but its really close to there…maybe 6 idk) his idea of helping me was telling me that other people are in the hospital a lot more often. And i bring up my memory problem with him and he says my memory doesnt seem that bad but it feels like every time i turn around im repeating something or saying i dont remember. I know they are just trying to be helpful but it really doesnt feel like it. And this morning my husband was less then helpful saying something about stress and having a heart attack so i basically disappeared for 5 hours and my goodbye was “yep blame everything on me” i really do seem hopeless. Everything thats suppose to help just makes me worse. Be it my “support group”, therapy, medication, music, likes, whatever…none of it helps me. I havent found a single thing and ive been searching for years. The mri was my idea though. I figured it would give my psychiatrist some insight into what hes working with and maybe give us answers and a direction, but that doesnt mean i like the idea. The 2 xrays is my husbands idea. Somwthing about a breathing problem where i occasionally randomly gasp for air and what most humans can do without a problem will leave me like i just ran a marathon. The other one it too make sure i havent done any damage to my head after hiting it on walls.
HEEEEERE I AM IIIIIM DRRRRRUNK AAAAGAIN!!!! LOL
its the weekend and until tomorrow morning my emotions and stuff can take a hike.
Update because thank you radio for reminding me.
Mothers day is coming up. I have 3 mothers yet none. My biomother who is a f*cking c*nt that started all this bs in my life. My stepmother who swears up and down that she loves me but i almost never hear from her and my mother-in-law, which just isnt the same as im sure some of you understand or maybe you all understand idk. Point is i f*cking hate these holidays and im sure im not the only one here. Yay next is fathers day because i just love celebrating the one that basically sent me off to get raped because yeah lets send our 16yo daughter off into the middle of the woods with 2 guys whats the worse that could happen. Or my biofather who much like my stepmother swears he loves me but i never hear from him. I hear from my stepmother more often then i hear from him. I hate parents they are so useless. (Speaking in a general sense. Example my friends mom is very nice. When my friend told her the gist of what was going on, because he didnt completely know himself at the time, she said that i could move in. But thats a different story)
Today seems to be a stressful day for me. Ill probably update with more stuff to b*tch about. Like how im useless or theres a shell of emotion around me. Or i might save those topics for tomorrow. We’ll see how the day goes.
Idk why i chose this to be the topic of todays post. Maybe because i remembered and i feel like shit now. Even though its not my fault.
Ever watch the big bang theory? I only saw a little bit. I was at a family friends house with my parents. I think it was sheldon. I dont remember it was YEARS ago. Anyway he said something like “kids are like pancakes the first is always a fail” and my parents agreed. To our friends. With me RIGHT THERE. It took everything in me to not cry right then and there. And they all laughed. All 4 of them. Like i wasnt even there.
Idk. I dont exactly have a point to this, just a memory that hurts i guess.
“Im wrong aint i? Its real isnt it?”
This is the conversation i had with my friend before leaving for work this morning. Deep down you know its all real, but you dont want to know. This morning i told my friend that my dissociation is different now. Everything use to be distant. I could reach out but reality was just too far away. Lately ive just been feeling dead. Like im in a coma. Like this life of mine isnt real. I told him i was waiting to wake up. That i was waiting to wake up to a happy life, with a happy loving family. That none of this is real. Even though i knew the answer. Even though i didnt want to know the answer. I still had to ask. I had to know if i really am not living. And honestly, understandably, those 2 little words made me cry. I dont want this to be my reality. And if i could id take the life i had back. The life before all of this. Back in high school when it was just depression and cutting. When suicide was nothing more then idealation. Just me looking over the edge. He thinks i can get better and i want to believe him. I just cant see it 🙁 i think im too far gone.
Im scared of the nothingness and uncertainty that comes with death. But how can i be scared of what i already am.
Whats any of it matter anyway. They all stripped away my chances of life. No happy family. No children. No drivers license. No independancy. Nothing. Its all gone.
How much longer until i wake up from this nightmare?
So the topic of todays post.
How do you feel about where you currently are in life? And im not looking for a simple you hate it. Why do you hate it? What about it do you hate? Have you gotten use to it?
Personally, im a little bit of both. In some moments thats my life and whatever. In other moments i hate it. I hate always changing my mind. Not being able to stick with anything. I hate how it feels like i lack control over most if not all things. Do i want to hit my head off the wall? No, but i just do it even after it starts hurting. Some of the things i say….i have no idea. My husband will say something to me and ill look at him all confused because i forgot we were having a conversation or even what it was about. I literally forget everything about it. So thats some of what i hate about my disorders. There might be more i dont remember lol *disappointed sigh*
Oh the song reminded me that there is one other thing. Im always telling my friend that hes better off without me. And sometimes ill even stop talking to him. But that never lasts for long. Not even 24hrs. And i HATE that.
YAY STILL NO BOOZE. at least people say thats a good thing. idk
anyway i had this idea a while ago and lilsuicideangel007 reminded me of it. and im curious if it would help others.
so i was wanting to cut one day a little while back but at the same time not really. then i got to wondering if maybe theres an app for that. well not saying there isnt just saying i didnt find one on the google play store. (if you know of one cool and pretty please tell me?) so what im thinking is what if there was an app for cutting. you could have a picture of a body. click on a body part to zoom in then you swipe across the screen like your finger is the blade. the slower you cut the deeper it is. a life like blood could drip out. i think itd be cool and id download it. would you?
i am starting over, sort of. i am currently high so thats not it. however i havent had a drink. one problem at a time. ill tell him a few days into this so he can forget about my mistake and just focus on the past few days. anyway, not why im here today, just thought id give a quick update.
they lied to me. they tricked me. they played on my biggest fear. OVER SOMETHING STUPID! heres what happened.
they were always yelling at me to clean my room. ok it wasnt the cleanest room in the house but i knew where all my stuff was. well she had been bothering me about it for a while. i dont remember why but i left my room for some reason. when i came back there was a spider on my window sill. normal, right? NO! this wasnt the little spider you find hiding in the corner catching flies. this thing was f*cking HUGE. i would say the size of the palm of your hand huge. living in canada ive never seen a spider much bigger then my thumb. we have it pretty good here that way. i know im grateful i dont live in australia. anyway i digress. so i walk in and this huge spider is staring at me. and at no point does this thing move. not even when i move closer to see if its real or not. didnt even flinch. well i hate spiders so i didnt exactly get that close before i ran out of the room. i bring them back to see it and they are telling me its a wolf spider. saying im lucky it didnt jump at me. and that it lives i dont remember exactly what they said but it was something like dark places like closets and what not. something really st*pid, right? there your f*cking parents youre suppose to be able to trust the f*cking a**holes arent ya? no. i dont know what brought it to my attention but i decided to do a bit of research on it this morning. heres the wiki page but ill quote some of the facts that have to do with what they told me.
this species of spider does live in canada, they do jump. HOWEVER,
– “Wolf spiders can be found in a wide range of habitats both coastal and inland. These include shrublands, woodland, wet coastal forest, alpine meadows, suburban gardens, and homes.” not specifically dark closets like they said. although this fact can be argued because it does say “home”
– ok they do jump but i cant find any wheres that says how far or anything. but i did read that they only jump to catch prey. so i like my chances that it wasnt going to jump on me. not “lucky” just normal. but he made it sound like it was 6ft. no. its not that much i can infer from what little information i did find.
– now on to my favorite fact. remember how i said it was about the size of your palm. “The many genera of wolf spiders range in body size (legs not included) from less than 10 to 35 mm (0.4 to 1.38 in).” this “thing” was more big and bushy. like a tarantula. ok so all the pictures i found on google images are about the size of your hand but the pictures (coloring, leg:body ratio) doesnt look like what i remember. the legs are too long. to skinny.
oh i forgot to mention they took me out of my bedroom then i went back and the “spider” was never seen again even though it apparently wanted to live in my closet. is it possible that maybe it was an actual spider and he just up talked the jumping thing to scare me. totally. but it wouldnt surprise me if it was all fake. i mean my grandfather is fairly confident these people snapped the neck on our pet bird. and im fairly confident they killed my 5 pet chickens and 2 ducks (they made me release the other 2). because an 11 year old little girl isnt going to pick up a bucket the size of her to dump out some feed and NOT notice that she picked up FOUR ADULT CHICKENS. they are heavy and an 11yo is only so strong.
wow….im starting to think my mom and stepdad are psychotic.
also, cool fact, you know how a lizard will leave its tail behind so it can escape? wolf spiders lose their leg.