It'll Be Ok
i remember the exact moment i first heard this song and it hit me like a mack truck. i just couldnt do it anymore.
you were with your friends and i was…..off with someone else. i was sitting at the picnic table just on the edge of the group. everything was…fine. i was playing with his phone and going through his music. the only thought that went through my head was “oh a song by 3dg i havent heard” i apparently didnt think about the title itself long enough. so i clicked it. within seconds my heart sunk. that was years ago now and it still hurts. and i still listen to it. i can never forgive myself for what i have done. i was off with others while you were trying to make my life better. i was off getting high and cheating while you were asking your mom to give me a safe place. and i cant thank you enough for still being here……you really are my world, my rock, my anchor, my root 😉 🙁
i try my hardest everyday to see the light. but some days its so dark, its like a black hole. just eating all the light that comes any wheres near it. but i still try even though i see it as pointless. like im in a well clawing and digging hoping to grab a hold of anything to pull myself up. but it seems all i have to hold on to is the lighter side of my mood/personality disorder. its nothing more than a little twig. not the strong root that i need to hold me. i need to find something stronger before i fall. before it really is too late.
Advice? Ive always had a strong stance towards change. I never wanted someone to change because of me. Its my problem not yours. You shouldnt have to change who you are because of me. Is mental illness different? Lately ive been thinking about leaving my husband because we are 2 different people. Where as my temper gets set off because someone decided to “step on my toes” his will get set off by the stupidest little things like someone walked out in front of him. I understand why. He explained it to me. But i grew up being yelled at and now when theres anger around me even when i know igs not directed at me it can upset me. Example. One day in gr4 someone in class did something (i remember what it was i jist feel its not important to the story) we had to stay in everyday until someone admitted to doing it. And everyday the teacher raised her voice. And i would put my head on my desk and cry. I didnt do anything. The teacher even said that to everyone who didnt do it she was sorry but i still cried. Hes offered to change his anger. And he is trying. But ive never ever wanted someone to change because of me. Is it ok to allow someone to change because you are mentally broken? Thats your problem not theirs.
Sometimes its best for them if they dont know. They dont need to know im suicidal again. He doesnt need to know i tried to jump out of a moving vehical. He doesnt need to know failing that i tried to cause an accident to make him let me go.
No one NEEDS to know.
you say you do, but you put my step and half siblings first. i was gone for 18 years. you say you love me. you say you thought of me everyday and yet i havent heard from you in over a year. not a hi or how are you. NOTHING! oh well. in the meantime i got married and bought a place. but you dont know anything about that. some dad you are. so excited to message me when i turned 18 you couldnt even wait 1 more day. you messaged me a day early….well…where are you now? sending your girlfriend to do it? really? thats fine. i see where your priorities lie. i dont know what emotion is stronger, anger or hurt.
I have a diagnosis app nov27th. I have a therapist app dec3rd. I already missed 2 therapist appointments. And honestly at this point im thinking about just cancelling them all.
He paid attention to me. no one ever paid attention to me. my parents abused me. my friends ignored me unless it was convenient for them. my boyfriends acted like i wasnt there unless they were kissing me. but he paid attention to me. he made me laugh. every time i felt bad butterflies. and every time i did nothing. i just stood there. i didnt say anything. i wanted to push his hands away and run. i wanted to run out of the school and down the road until i couldnt run anymore. it made me feel sick. and yet every time i acted like it was fine. its my fault. its all my fault. i knew better. i should have ran the first time and i didnt. instead i stayed and let it happen again and again. its all my fault.
wtf is with the spam? it can be gone for months and then it seems like literally every post is spam. there has to be a way to fix this. i mean its a suicide site unless its a noose i highly doubt their spam is gonna sell here.
At work….dont i believe i ran i to the worst possible person (at least for me theres obviously worse people like hilter although im not 100% sure its him but im going to fimd out). I spent my day feeling sick. And then didnt i go to my friends sentencing. More anxiety! Thankfully anxiety attacks dont hang around that long. I hope ill be feeling better in the morning.
2 weeks ago i bought it. and everyone is acting like its a surprise. please! im an addict. what did you think was gonna happen? i was gonna be fine with a single joint lasting me 3-4 days. yeah right. and now i need something stronger……
Miss Murder https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YU4hhNKsPog
I Hope You Suffer https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSNyOYT3dJ8
You Call Me a ***** Like It’s a Bad Thing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3rjBs_mIC8&list=PLS00bSWViOzh5INy9EC8wg-iw2u0u2aIu&index=19
I Miss The Misery https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpJAmlnBxoA&list=PLS00bSWViOzh5INy9EC8wg-iw2u0u2aIu
Coming Undone https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSJXle3LP_Q
Everybody Gets High https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHukwv_VX9A
Thats just a short list.
i want what i know i cant have. i want to spend my nights partying. going out and getting drunk. doing all kinds of drugs. and then go home during the day. cooking and cleaning for a loving family. but i know i have to choose one or the other.
Fear. Sadness. Numb. Disconnected. Alone. Lost. Empty. These are the feeling I go through on a daily bases. Feeling physically/emotionally disconnected from the world makes me feel lost and alone. My hallucinations, paranoia, and impostor disorder keeps me in constant fear. I always feel like I’m being followed. I occasionally wonder if my loved ones are really themselves. My hallucinations attack me. Sometimes almost bringing me to tears. I relive my memories everyday. My mother hitting me. I remember hiding all the wooden spoons. I remember her bloody hand. I remember running through the wood while she was on the phone with the cops about my grandfather. I remember my stepfather looking down my dress. I remember…..I remember….too much. I just want to forget it all. I’ve barely scratched the surface. And the scenes. In some I’m being raped. I’m others I’m committing murder. In some i’m committing suicide. Each and everyone…so vivid its like I’m there. And sometimes I really am. From the outside I look fine. Just going about my day because I try to hide it. If I didn’t it would completely take over. I just wouldn’t be here anymore because what the people outside doesn’t see is the pain it puts me through. The emotions I feel as if I were actually there. Its not just depression anymore. Its irreversible now. And I’m not sure how long I can hide my insanity from the world.
What does one do when they hate life but isnt currently suicidal?
i almost lost a friend to suicide. it has changed my view now knowing how much fear and pain runs through you in the situation i was going to put my loved ones through.
everything i read points to both 🙁
How to escape when im the problem
I use to. Now i just want to sleep.
I asked my friend if he thought i was and he said yes. And today my SO said “i havent been myself”