Maybe life would be better if i just gave in. if i stopped fighting my depression maybe i can be at peace. its like when you get stranded at sea. you dont swim against the waves. you wont get anywhere and eventually drown. maybe if i swim with the waves of depression i can keep my head above water.
Hope Dream Love
its all moving to fast. i feel at a loss. my life seems years ahead while im a few back. basically raised a kid that wasnt mine at 13. moved out at 16. married at 19. now basically 20 and we just bought a home. hes talking about land and all this other stuff and im still back at the wedding 6 months ago. where did my life go? i feel like i missed out on everything. i got kicked out of school at 16 because of my depression. i missed out on graduation and prom. i was looking forward to those. especially graduation. walking across the stage. receiving my certificate. hanging it on the wall and feeling accomplished. its all gone. never coming back. its like my whole life was taken from me. now what? i know this move is for the best but….if i could just go back a few years.
i fucking hate males. so im wearing a sort of revealing top. its summer. its sweltering out. who wouldnt? but i want to go to the store. so i change it. to start with i shouldnt have to. males should have the decency to show females a little respect. (yes vice versa however that is not what im ranting about and i do show others respect until they lose it. male or female) so i change my shirt, go to the store. dont i get whistled at on my way home. because apparently i need to wear i fucking parka. it seems either youre pretty and your going to get used and hurt. and treated like piece of meat. like a belonging. or youre “ugly” by their standards and get used because youre “easy” or treated like you dont exist and if you do exist they are making fun calling you fat or whatever fucking name they come up with. there is no happy medium. and no i dont speak of all guys i know a few that would never do such a thing but i do speak of most of them. and it really pisses me off. oh freedom all that shit. yeah because if im free i get treated like shit. sounds free to me.
i just dont understand why its so difficult to keep your d*** in your pants. no im not as crazy as most feminist. please tell me i look pretty. give me an honest to god complaint. i wont call the cops on sexual harassment thats just stupid but call me sexy, call me smoking, treat me like shit and then we have problem.
I know we didn’t spend much time together and I wish we could have spent more. But I was so scared of breaking you. I hope your heart is holding up good after those surgeries all those years ago. I honestly fear one day it won’t be. I hope that day never comes. I don’t want to lose you permanently. I remember you coming home from Toronto all fixed up and mom saying how we have to pick you up a certain way so we don’t rip the stitch open. Dad and I just refused to take that chance. I remember the day you were suppose to have surgery (it was postponed) I went to school that day crying. Scared you weren’t going to come back. I remember dad waiting outside the school office. I came around the corner and saw him. My first thought was “OMG is he ok?”. I remember being in the hospital room and seeing you hooked up to everything. I remember before you were even born the pediatrician kept saying something is wrong. so we’d go up to the hospital sit there for half an hour and the doctor would say “nope he’s fine” turned out they were wrong. You have to be the strongest little man I know to go through all of that. I love you so much. I hope you can forgive me for being away for so long.
I personally feel that if you need a reason to live this…is a fairly good reason…..ewwwwww
Do you ever want to go for a walk? And just walk and walk and walk. With no destination in mind. You just walk until you are out of energy. Then you take a break. Getting up to go back to walking. Pick up an ice cream from Dairy Queen on the way. Maybe a coffee from Tim Hortons. Then you walk. Never turning around. Walking some times in quiet. Other times with your thoughts raging like a deadly storm. You just walk never looking back. Never going home.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE GUY!!!! I hope you get lots of toys and a big peice of cake.
i know its a few hours early but i just couldnt wait anymore.
I know you won’t see this but I just wanted to let you know that you mean the world to me and I would do anything for you. I wish with all of my heart that I could be there for you on your big day. Happy 9th birthday little brother. I promise that when you are older I will explain it all to you. I just hope you understand why I’ve been gone for all these years. Trust me, I dont want to be. I want to be by your side watching you grow up. I taught you how to count. I taught you your colors. I was there when you started walking. I remember I’d be baking and you’d love to help me. I remember your first day of kindergarden. Sadly I have to miss a lot. It tears me apart not being with you. I think about you everyday. I think about all the fun we use to have kicking the soccer ball in the yard. Playing badmontin in the field. I remember that day you wanted to go see our neighbor and I said ok. He was barbecuing and offered us some then we went back and told mom we dont want supper we already ate. I remember your 3rd birthday. You were so sick and so run down but you loved your little cop car. And you drove it no matter how you were feeling that day. You ran into the house and asked us to move it. Lol. I remember that when you cried you would ask us to blow your eyes and it was the cutest thing. I remember going trick or treating. I remember christmas. I remember easter. I love you little brother and I hope you always remember that. I hope you have the best birthday ever, until next year anyway 🙂
My love for you is deeper then the Mariana Trench. Taller than Mt. Everest. I love you past the moon, past Mars, past Jupiter and Saturn. I love you past Uranus, and Neptune. I love you past all the stars in the galaxy. I love you to the edge of the universe and all the way back. I hope you are staying safe 🙂 :'(
i have noticed a few people mentioning animals. i love animals!!!!!!!! i have 2 lovely kitties named flora and june. do you have any animals? if not what animal would you like and what would you name it? (mythological animals and humanoids count i know i wouldnt mind having manticore. unrealistic pets also count although it seems no one is in a hurry to get me a komodo dragon)
i want it all to end. i have a mom and stepdad that use to abused me in more ways then one until i moved out. a dad and stepmom that only pretend they care when really im the last they think about. my friends. hate me. use me. hurt me. a husband that im not sure about anymore. was it really love or only lust? and my brothers…..they still live with my mom and stepdad. i dont talk to them but i miss them with all of my heart. i basically raised the eldest. i taught him how to count and his colors. “how many red cars are there?” id ask and hed count the red cars. the youngest had a heart problem so i didnt get to spend much time with him. i was so scared of hurting him. their birthdays are coming up. the end of may and beginning of june. i cant handle all this pain anymore. this constant feeling of my heart being crushed. i need out now.
Im so close. I only plan on using it as a way to get my thoughts out. Talk to someone that knows more then me on the overall subject. Come up with coping ideas i havent thought of. All i have to do is make one phone call and im set. However my thoughts on the idea are where it all falls down. To accept help makes me feel weak and defeated. Even putting that aside the years and years this would take. It just doesnt seem worth it. Im sure ill be fine without it. So what if im figurativly standin on the edge of a cliff? So what if my cuts are slowly getting deeper? So what if i dont feel like eating most days? So what if im attacked by my hallucinations? So what if i like to drown my problems with a bottle? Ive survived so far. Whats the worse that could happen?
You read stories about how people “got better”. Not suicidal anymore. Been clean for years. But these people they deal with depression/anxiety. Not to belittle them. That is the last thing i mean to do. But what about bipolar disoder. Borderline personality disorder. The more complex problems one where you cant just change your way of thinking. With depression i personally find that you just say the opposite. And you repeat it. You keep telling telking yourself its wrong. Its lying. But what about problems bigger then that. Where there is no wrong or right and if you tell yourself there is you just send yourself into a spiral. Falling deeper and deeper.
Lately ive been feeling like….the best way to explain it im in coma. Im not me. Im distant. Living within my own mind. Having to remind myself that it is real. How does one fix that? There is no wrong or right. What can you repeat. Its not your thoughts youre trying to change. Not your emotional feeling, but your physical ones. How does one change how they physical feel?
This is just the beginning of my problems. I see no end in sight. How does one change what can not be changed?
You cant get drunk enough. You cant get high enough. Ive tried. And last night was just another fail at not feeling. Just…..a minute. Thats all i ask for. A minute where i dont feel anything. No pain. No fear. No anger. No sadness. Just completely numb.
if you dont like it you can email them about it and they may change it. it depends. although pluto is right. this isnt a site for “ratings”
So ive been tryig to get a therapist for the past little while to appease my friend. Im greeted with rejection everytime. Because i dont have money. If i had the money i wouldnt be where i am. I would have gotten therapy by now. And its nice to know that people dont give a f*ck and only see us as a money grab. To them we are nothing more then the milk and bread thats on almost everyones grocery list. We need the therapy to at least have an understanding of things. To have a small hope of surviving. Nice to know they can throw a human life away like its nothing. They shouldnt have such an emotional sensitive job if they dont have emotion.
Ive been meaning to post this for a while. I probably should have. Oh well. Im probably going to forget a bunch of things but if i do ill just make another post or something i guess. Now where to start. When i was 10 i guess.
It was almost the summertime. Last month of school. A month before my 11th birthday. My mom pregnant with my baby brother days from being born. Life seemed perfect until one day.
We were at home and a truck pulled in the yard. This made me happy because it was my grampys truck and my grampy was (and still is) my whole world. But my mom told me to hide and i didnt understand it (i still dont). It was at this point she also decided it was a good time to tell me about my other grandfather. (Not as attached fo him i didnt see him as much) turns out hes a…. well he went to jail on the worse possible charge. Then we ran out the back door and heard glass smashing. We called the cops. After about an hour we went home. Grampy was gone. Dad had a small cut on his forehead. I searched but i couldnt find the broken glass. Not a thing out of place.
End of may. My little brother was born a few weeks later. Very last day of school. Im on the bus going home. Grampy is at my school. All i knkw is hes a bad person. Im never told why. So i become scared and have my very first anxiety attack the whole drive home. I run down the driveway. Through the front door and scream “GRAMPY IS AT THE SCHOOL” so we leave again. And call the cops. And again hes gone.
Summer passes. School starts. New school. My great grammy passes away. They wouldnt let me me go to the funeral. Said i was too young. I didnt care i loved her. It felt wrong if i didnt go. I didnt get to go.
Fast forward through middle school. The occasional smack that hurt….a lot. Basically had to raise my brother because my parents were too stoned or drunk to do it themselves.
High school. Gr9 suicidal thoughts, skipping classes, smoking cigarettes cuz why not. Gr 10 cutting. Still smoking, not really skipping classes, smoking weed. And the thoughts…well duh. One night it was so bad i actually sewed my sleeves to my side and made myself a straight jacket
I finally asked for help. “Sure sweetie well get you a therapist” 4-5 years later….im still waiting.
Saw the cuts. “Whats that?” My mom askes in a snobby tone. “The cat” “yeah right” and walks away.
Gr9 another baby brother. With a heart problem. They have to go to toronto to fix it. Im home with dad. And my grandmother. The first brother is at his grandfathers (clearly not mine. One im not allowed to see and the other in jail) Im going to school. Dads going to work. And my grandmother is home. Not a day of cooking in my life. Left to cook supper every night until mom comes home. Dad walks away every night. Doesnt even tell me what i did wrong so i can fix it.
(Basically at this point im just telling ranxom things that happened because i dont remember exactly the order it happened. Oh and shes still abusing me physicallg which plays a big role in the end)
She occasionally pisses me off. Did you know hitting cake pans and one of those big pots that are basically a small stew pot off you head really hurts? (Clearly doesnt give a f*ck that would have been a good time to realize something is seriously wrong)
Listening to the radio one morning before school. _____ in jail on a ______ charge (i prefer to not talk about it) i run down the hall. “What is this about?” “Oh we didnt think it would be on the news this soon. Didnt listen to the radio for a bit.
It was nothing for me to be pissed off. Going to school with bloody knuckles from a punching bag. Throwing chairs half the length of the cafiteria. People were scared of me when i was angry. Keeping their distance.
When i was really little she cheated on dad in front of me….ill leave it at that. I felt guilty until i told him about 4 years ago.
Anyway lets get to the ending and if i remember anything else ill make another post or something.
So not quite the ending but important….
We just finish having one of our infamous fights. Or so what i thought was the end. Im sitting at the kitchen table. She comes over (later on claims she tripped) and the next thing i know shes on top of me with her arm across my throat and i cant breath. Im trying to kick her off me but thats not working so i bite her. Now shes bleeding but she let go and i dont care. Dad comes over HOLDS ME DOWN amd she slaps me across the face with what i swear was all her strength. (That bite was the start of a change) we get up i sot bacm at the table crying and trying to teach myself how to breath again and one of them tells me to stop. Like im over reacting.
This time were arguing outside my bedroom. She slaps me across the face. Ive had enough of her sh*t so i slap her back. I know you arent suppose to hit your mother but after 4 years of abuse im sure theres an exception because she never hit me again.
Another heated argument. I leave before it turns into a fight LIKE AN ADULT at age 16. Dad comes home from work finds me on the road “what are you doing?” “Arguement. Ill be home later.” Drives away. I call my boyfriend at the time so we can meet up and hangout for a bit. She comes looking for me yelling at me to come back. I say no. Like wtf would i go back to that. So she sends him after me. I say no then after a while i say fine but we have fo go get my bf. On the way to picking him up he says “you can move out now or if it happens again well kick you out” “well she started it (she did ill tell that after this because i forgot) so i might as well move out now” So we pick him up and he has me sit in the bed of the truck (with a guy that ends up threatening to rape me with his d*ck less the an inch from my face thats in the future though) and my bf in the cab with him. Then he sends the 3 of us off into the woods. Which was fine i know the woods. And my boyfriend is saying “you should stay you should stay” i turn around stare at him and say “do you want to know why im leaving. Because they abuse me” his face dropped he hugged me and then agreed with me. I had to leave. So we go back i pack up and move out. I move in with the guy i was working with because i had, what i thought was no other place turned out my ex that gave a sh*t about me asked if i could stay there but i fucked up before he told me.
So what started that fight…..i had just gotten a job delivering news papers. I wanted anytime away that i could get. And i had to call the guy (who i ended up marrying last december 23rd) at 1am. And they took my phone and refused to give me an alarm so i stayed up all day all night all day. Slept that night then repeat. 3 f*ucking times. So im exhausted clearly humans arent meant to do that. And i just got off work. “Go cut wood” “can i have a nap or invite a friend to help me thats a lot of work” “no” to this day i think she was trying to kill me.
Anyway thats roughly my story i shortened. Leftout parts either because i currently forgot or because im not ready to talk about it. Sorry its so long i wouldnt blame you if you didnt read it. Im not even reading it lol
can anyone tell me how to change my picture? i dont like mine. its too bland.