everything i read points to both 🙁
It'll Be Ok
How to escape when im the problem
I use to. Now i just want to sleep.
I asked my friend if he thought i was and he said yes. And today my SO said “i havent been myself”
i was so close to going through with it yesterday. so close yet so far.
it just doesnt seem worth it.
$1000 for a gun.
$500 for a camera.
I can shoot myself or my surroundings.
Ill just save money and see where i end up i guess.
I didnt just fall. I came crashing down like a house of cards. Like a brick being dropped from the 50th floor. He was the only one i was ever my true self around. He brought out the me i had hidden away for years. When i cry hes always right there to wipe the tears away. When im cold hes always right there to warm me up. I couldnt have ask for a better husband. But…..things still dont seem to be right.
I would die away from him. Around him im annoyed. Some of the things he does…..ugh. its so confusing. Reading page after page of toxic relationships, true love, its not working out, and basically everything of the sort and somehow i match both. I love him and i dont i guess. I have no idea. Im at a conplete loss at this point i wouldnt mind taking a week or so away. Maybe go up to my grandfathers. Just long enough to be away from everything. Get my thoughts straightened out. But i cant. Were still in the middle of moving i cant just leave him with all of that. It would be cruel. And he cant do our job by himself. He doesnt know my routes. And even if he did he would be all day completeing it. Even with me it takes until about lunch time and we start around 3-4am. I cant do that to him. Looks like im stuck and i think thats making me more depressed then the rest of the problem. Of course the confusion isnt helping thats for sure but the inablility to figure it out is just…ahhhhhh!
“Why dont you talk to him about it?” For 1 i dont really remember all the problems i have. 2 he is trying. 3 sometimes when we talk it causes arguments because of a misunderstanding or i get excited about something and my voice starts to raise even though i dont mean for it too. And yes ive tried not to. Like really really tried and i just cant not raise my voice. But i cant expect him to be completely perfect either, can i?
Yay for…..whatever you call having memories that freak you out. Ok i have to get ready for work so long story short….
Im taking my friend out to get our nails painted. And aside from my depression occasionally not wanting to ive been fine. Until about 5 minutes ago.
The only person that has ever painted my nails is my mother. And in case you dont know my story she abused me. Physically. Emotionally. Knowing someone abused me sexually and did nothing about it. (It was her husband) Basically ive been there done that with her and its just hitting me now like someone dropped a grand piano on my head from 50 stories up. Not that shes hurt me that hit me a long ago. But the whole nail thing.
My friend is having a hard time and she doesnt know what we are doing today but its already booked and her husband said shes really excited for it and i dont want to let her down.
I know the people we are going to..maybe i can just talked to them. I dont personally know them but im a delivery driver and they get a lot of delivers to the salon. They seem like nice people. Im sure if i roughly told them and explained my panic attacks they would be nice to me and take their time.
What do you guys think?
Is it best to accept who you are or change it. I use to hate me. But lately ive stopped caring and just grabbed another joint or bottle. Whats it matter when im at the point where i wish someone would hand me a gun. I think it would terrify some people how id pull the trigger without blinking an eye. At this point im just waiting to be pushed off this high rope i walked on to. Its a pretty delicate balancing act and lately ive been losing balance.
what a fun weekend night. ugh.
i dont get it. i cant seem to win.
dont do weed. dont drink. dont cut. dont smoke. oh and the biggest one, dont die.
so is there anything i can do because living doesnt seem to be my specialty.
It seems to be what everyone wants anyway. Pharmasists refuses to be helpful i asked a simple guestion “is this in stock?” It was a simple over the counter depression aid (i dont remember exactly what it was) and she goes into a million and one questions that dont concern her and it agrivated me to the point i said fuck it and just walked away. Im getting death threats and my therapist seems to lack caring. “Im highly likely to commit suicide if my grandfather dies” “ok” ummm isnt your job to help me cope with shit like that? Thats why i told you ahead of time. So i dont completely meltdown when he does die…..whatever. clearly no one wants to help and im done fighting a losing battle. Everytime i turn around theres someone else harrasing me or abusing me. Well fuck it!
I shouldn’t have gotten close to people. I shouldn’t have allowed them a chance to care. What was I thinking? Now all I do is cause them pain.
I wish someone would hold a gun to my head and pull the trigger.
Do you ever wish someone would slip a cyanide pill into your food so you could just die and not even notice It? I’m so fucking sick of being unsure of everything.
Some things are better left alone. Better left forgotten. But some times it hurts too much to forget.
he got in my face. literally. my nose was basically touching his chest. he was twice my height. and i didnt care about any of that. i was tired of the sexist comments. the threats. i was fucking done. so i got to watch his head spin. im not typically one for fighting. in fact i will find reasons to stop it. but if you are going to say youll “take care of me” that my husband should “control me” that i must be “on my period” i will put my foot down! every fucking time. i sat down for years but ever since that day i slapped my mother across the face i stood up and i refuse to EVER sit back down!
“I trusted you” she weeped, holding her chest her knees hit the ground. Her heart stung as it shattered into pieces. She could feel each shard pierce her deeper and deeper. The blood seeping through her snowy white shirt. Staining it a crimson red. “I trusted you” she repeated before laying down in a pool of blood to take her final breath.
Honestly I feel I could have done better but I can’t quite get it today. Oh well maybe I’ll try to rewrite it with more details at a later date.
I go to the therapists Sept 10th. She’s going to fill out a form so I can go see a psychiatrist. After that I’m going to get my diagnosis. If it’s as bad as I think it is I’m gonna drop everything and say I can’t be helped. I hope it goes well but I have my doubts. We’ll see.
i have 2 friends. one i dont talk to anymore but i will never forget. he moved away when we were in school together. but thats aside the point. my bf at the time had betrayed me. he told our friends about my depression. i didnt want to here it. i didnt want to be there. so i walked away. my friend came running after me. i knew he was there but i didnt turn around. i didnt want to hear it. he grabbed me by the shoulder and spun me around. he hugged me and then help me at arms reach with his hands on my shoulders begging me not to. “please dont do it. i already lost one friend” i never thought someone would care that much. every now and again i get this crazy idea in my mind that i should message him but in case i do go through with it…its best if he doesnt know. my other friend lost someone close to him too. and he worries about me everyday although lately i feel like ive been more of a problem than anything. my drinking and drug consumption has been getting worse to go beside my depression. and he hates it. hates IT not me. he gets why i do it but he also knows that doesnt make it right. and last night in my drunken stone state i fucked up like always. hes still sleeping but should be waking up within the next hour but will i want to talk to him….thats a difficult question. i always want to talk to him. hes an awesome person to vent to and he always listens. all i have to do is say “i need you” and hes right there but i feel so horrible and like maybe its time for our friendship to part ways. plus we dont really have things to talk about and i dont want to just talk about depression all the time thats depressing. honestly though if it were up to me id just get a shitty little apartment and live there alone with whatever booze and drugs i can get. with a stupid basic job to pay for them. however SOME people wont allow that. i need a little home and a little bakery. although these are things i want and are things i can get, Whats the point? who cares? once im dead.. no one will give a fuck. and once the people who care about me die there will be absolutely nothing left. please leave me alone to get drunk stoned and die.
i think i went off topic a bit. oh well lol
getting high and drinking coffee liquor (which tastes amazing with chocolate milk). and feeling hated because of it. which just makes me feel worse and want to drink more. its an awesome cycle of fuck it.