i told him i was painting so i couldnt answer. i lied. i was going to hangout with my cousin and try a new drug. my cousin got into a car accident and we ended up not doing it. hes fine no one was even scratched. but it happened. i told him i wouldnt throw anything. that i would calm down. i ended up throwing something then cutting myself deeper then i think ive ever cut before. everything is getting worse. my drinking. my drug use. im sneaking behind peoples backs. i never lied to my friend before and not it seems thats all i do. part of me wants to tell him the truth but he would never trust me again. i wouldnt be able to live with myself if he didnt trust me. we had a problem where i accidental blew up at him. he said he didnt trust me. it tore me apart. i did everything i could for him to trust me again. i cant lose that again. but at the same time i know ill never change. maybe i should just do what my last post said and leave him be. its either that or keep lying. or i could tell the truth. i wouldnt be very happy with myself no matter what i do
half of me fights with everything it has to destroy me. it drinks. and does drugs. it lets my disorders eat me alive.
half of me fights with everything it has to get better. to stop drinking. to stop smoking up. to heal my disorders.
i wonder who will win in the end
im hanging out with my cousin tomorrow. this is the first time ive ever hung out with him. i was too young before and then we stopped talking for a while. im going to be trying shatter for the first time. not only that but he sent me a couple messages im not sure what to think about. hes not actually my cousin. we were both married into the family through our mothers but still. im a little bit worried about going tomorrow. being alone. my husband having no idea what im doing. what if my gut is right and its a bad idea. i know it was right in the past. i almost got raped that time…but hes my cousin right? he wouldnt hurt me.
whens it needed?
currently im not high or drunk but once i decided i want it i get it. ive tried to not but i want it so fucking bad. to just leave this world temporarily. ive gone as far as hiding it from my husband so he doesnt know.
ill be honest im not even sure why im posting this. i wont go until im forced to. but others opinion on when it becomes an addiction is nice i guess
speaking of which i need more. i only have a shot of whiskey left which im about to drink thankfully tomorrows payday
i made a post about some of my worse problems and didnt exactly get the response i was hoping for although i thank rainwatch for answering and talking to me. but now i have something else.
am i the only one that feels hatred?
you all talk about oh they have done this to me that and the other thing but it seems im the only one that feels anger towards the ones that made me like this. overall im an extremely nice person. unless im wronged. and my enemies should be scared. they have wronged me. they have left me alone and broken to fend for myself. it is because of them that i do not have the capability to live my life to its fullest. and although i would love to see the whites of their eyes as their soul (or lack there of. black tar of a soul…yeah) as their black tar of a soul oozes from their body. the life slowly being drained from them the way they did so to me only leaving me alive to suffer, im going to do it the legal way and just shove my successful hopes and dreams in their face. point is though, yeah cuz i wanted these fucking problems. i wanted to pay all of this fucking money to “fix” myself. all this fucking time its going to waste until the day i die.
all i ask is a few questions.
why should i have to die for the wrongs they have done to me. why do i have to suffer because of what some fucking assholes did to me 5+ years ago? am i the only one that feels this way? and if im not… why not stand up for yourself and do something? ok that question probably came out a bit harsh and wrong. let me show you my pov.
my mother abused me since the day i was born. one day she slapped me across the face and i had enough of her bullshit so i slapped her back. and that was the last time she ever hit me. now im not saying go and hit your mom but if you can why not try to change your situation? i understand its not always possible but when it is…whats stopping you from being happy and doing what you want with your life? basically dont get mad at me because i worded something poorly. explain it to me.
ive finally decided that its best for my friend to continue life without me. at least until i can be the person he wants me to be. if that ever happens which i highly doubt. not without rehab. i tried to put it all down but i was doing it all again 2 days later. he just doesnt know yet. im everything he hates….its better this way.
i can just see it, hehehe. he works at the rehab here and one day after god knows how long ill magically show up. one look at me and he will know everything. he’ll know i left because im not good enough for him. it will be obvious i picked the bottle back up and i couldnt face him. he’ll want to comfort me. want to make it all better. but he knows that i may embrace it or shy away. probably shy away. all that time away from each other and this is how we see each other again. what did i do? how low could i possible have allowed myself to fall? but i know me…ill never change.
part of me hopes he will see this post and message me. telling me that its ok, he understands things are hard for me and its unreasonable to expect me to change over night. that his feeling for me have never changed. but i know he wont see it. hes pretty good at leaving my personal stuff to myself. maybe a little bit too good. lol 🙁
this is the second time ive done this to him. he is my ex-boyfriend. i left him because i kept cheating. he knew. i even told him a few times becaues my friends backed me into a corner. and he never did anything. he never said anything. what he did was ask his mom if i could live there because i wasnt being treated well. but i never told him. he knew i was suicidal and i cut but that was it. i never told my back story. he just….accepted it. and then one day l left him. i couldnt handle my cheating anymore so i broke up with him. and now i cant handle my drinking. he knows i regret leaving but he understands why i did it. i just hope im not making the same mistake twice
you read about it. but when you actually go through it….thats something completely different. the visual hallucinations. the borderline personality disorder. the depersonalization-derealization disorder. its all….i dont have any words for it. and maybe im missing something but no one else here talks about it. its all depression and anxiety. am i that broken? should i just die? am i that far gone that i cant be saved?
he said my disorders control me. he said all i do is grab a bottle or joint. and hes right. but thats not what hurts the most. what hurts is that he doesnt think i can change because its difficult…..i want that drink so bad though. no i have to prove him wrong. ill cope, some how. ill find a way, i can do it.
i have stopped taking my medication. ive started drinking more and more. im in the middle of breaking up with my husband. im not in the mood to talk to anyone today. i actually found it kind of funny earlier. i was thinking i dont use facebook. this is my facebook. a suicide site. this is where i post about my life. where i talk to my friends…….what has my life become? and yet it all feels distant to me. like im reading a book or watching a movie. like this isnt really my life.
lets just say he hurt me in a bad way. id rather not go into it. i havent talked to him in almost 5 years. why do i occasionally think i should message him?
I wish everything is alright if only for the night, I forgot what it feels like to be normal 🙁
i cant handle the hallucinations anymore. they are lifelike now. they physically touch me now. they want me dead. they have this look in their eyes. they are going to kill me. i just cant do it anymore. i dont even know how to deal with it. where to start. i dont know who to ask for help. iv done research and research. the doctors know nothing. theyve been studying this since the 17th century and still know nothing. they know a bit about auditory but mine are visual. i just cant do it anymore!
Were suppose to be going to his mothers today. Thanks to this massive headache i have i might be able to get out of it.
Hehe…i never thought id see the day. I use to love holidays. And then they took away the only one that cared about me. I then only liked the holidays at some points. I then found out that people i called mom and dad were monsters. Not real parents. I found my real dad and his girlfriend….they ended up adbandoning me. What are the holidays for without friends and family to share it with?
update: i didnt get out of it
Its like youre zoned out but you cant snap out of it. Its like youre watching a movie even though you know its actually happening. I assume this….out of body feeling i guess one might call it, is what disassociation is. Idk. I might be wrong. Any ideas?
i thought today was going to be a happy day… but i dont feel happy. why would today be any different. disorders dont care what day it is.
its my anniversary and im sitting here thinking about everything wrong i can do. i wanna cut. i wanna cry. i wanna drink. i wanna smoke up. but the worse one of all……i want to flick a switch and have it be like i was never here…
im sorry for everything ive put you through…
i couldnt ask for a better husband, i just wish i could be a better wife.
i think im starting to understand it…..get a grasp. well at least this is how its working for me. i hated myself. i was going to cut. i was going to cry. but instead i had a drink. nothing much. just a bit of crown royal i snuck into a bottle of pop behind peoples backs. the point is though… it made me feel good. i forgot about cutting. i had no intentions of sitting there crying. i actually started laughing and smiling. so far so good. but its at this point i know i start chasing that. i start drinking more and more to try to bring that happiness back. but i know it never comes. and yet still another drink i have.
me. im the problem. i hate me. with every angry outburst i hate me more. with every pill i take to “get better” it seems more hopeless. every happy moment i have feels fake. im nothing more then a disorder. and thats all ill ever be