me. im the problem. i hate me. with every angry outburst i hate me more. with every pill i take to “get better” it seems more hopeless. every happy moment i have feels fake. im nothing more then a disorder. and thats all ill ever be
not in the sick “wtf are you thinking” sort of way but physically ill. almost like it has the flu. i know it probably sounds crazy but thats just how it feels. too bad cough medicine cant fix this sickness.
i have a friend who thinks i should message my other friend. the catch? the way i see it this other friend stabbed me in the back 7ish years ago. but at the same time. they didnt tell me because they werent sure how. when i started talking to them again they didnt know what my life was actually like. and from my point of view. what if im right and they dont care. i have a mood disorder and abandonment issues ill just leave on my own. but if im wrong and they do care and i explain everything to them….idk. i would love to be their friend again but….it just seems like a good way to get hurt again. should i listen to my friend and at least give it a try?
for those of you that read my last post on telling a friend about whats going on in my life thats a different friend and i havent told her yet we are both busy with the holidays and decided to hang out after christmas.
1And just like that everything shut down. Im hurt and want to cry but i cant. I can barely move. Picking up my phone to write this pained me. I feel empty…hollow. and at the same time like im going to explode. I see no reason to continue. No reason to keep going. Im missimg a “happy” moment because of this. A christmas present for my husband and grandfather just got delivered. I was SO happy earlier. It made me realize how many happy moments i missed and how many im going to miss in the future.
i hate to be another statistic but…….fuuuuuuuuuck idk what else to say.
I cant stand it. He treats me like a queen dont get me wrong. But hes just so negitive. He acts like everyone hates him and the worlds out to get him. All i hear all day long is i hate this that and the other thing. Hes doing it right now. Ive talked to him about it before and i understand that hes tired and stressed but that doesnt mean i can handle that much negitivity. I dont want to leave him over this but i just cant do it. Hes been this way for years. I understand you cant change over night. I wish i could…..idk 🙁
It connects to the ocean. Give me a month or 2 to get you a better one.
I know i cant be alone. I think everyone hates me. Im seeing anger where they swear up and down they arent. There has to be some way to cope. Some way to figure out what is true vs whats not. I feel like im going crazy constantly asking if people are mad at me. Everytime they say no. Are they lying? Am i seeing emotions that arent there? What do i do?
thank you for abusing me in every way possible. thank you for sending me to school with no lunch. thank you hitting for me. thank you for not letting me hang out with my friends. thank you for working me almost to death. thank you for touching me. thank you for putting me in situations to get raped or murdered. thank you for being too stoned to raise my little brother. thank you for saying i stole from the kitchen. thank you for letting me go hungry because i ate too much then digested it. thank you for seeing my cuts and scoffing. thank you for not helping when i told you i was suicidal. thank you for taking away the only 2 people that actually cared about me.
thank you for making me work for things in life. thank you for showing me how to appreciate the things i have. you might have tried to destroy me but you should keep in mind: what doesnt kill me makes me stronger and im still here
first smoke ive had in years, i feel like everyone hates me and im only on day 6 of the medication already sick and tired of it…..why the f*ck am i still bothering with anything
so im gonna see about going out with an old friend from when i was really little. and im thinking about telling her everything so that if i start acting weird she will understand why. i cant count how often i deleted or blocked someone just because i figured they hated me when in actuality they were just busy and life got in the way like it does sometimes and i dont want that coming between her and i again. its like her older sister said yesterday, we use to hang out all the time and i would like to go back to at least hanging out a little bit. if she wanted to i would love her to be apart of my new life. maybe drop by and help me out in the bakery. but im scared of what she will think. being my friend through all of it and knowing about none of it. i mean i know she wouldnt blame me. i know she would give me lots of hugs and feel sorry for me (even though thats not what i would be looking for) ill just tell her that. im not looking for sympathy, just an understanding that if i start acting weird theres a very good reason for it. besides i doubt the diagnosis is over. im thinking he just wanted to deal with one thing at a time. currently borderline personality disorder. but its like he read the day i was there, self diagnosed capgras. which im 99% sure i have. i mean i thought my dog was being held captive in the woods by coyotes and they trained another dog to act just like her. if that isnt the definition….(nervous crying laugh) anyway he didnt even touch on that so i feel we are far from over. its a process…all i can do is take deep breaths and hope she understands
Im happy. Im less angry. All things i wanted. Except one. I feel fake. I feel like this isnt me. Overall im happy with my new self excpet for that one thing. But its for the best. Physically health wise it’s good for me. Having high stress levels the way i did was going to cause me to have a heartattack or something. Me. 20 and a heartattack. And i mean why do i feel fake anyway. All it really did was remove the bad stuff. Like how cold medicine kills the bad bacteria. I am surprised that im on day 3 and already noticing a difference. There were quite a few times i would have yelled at people today but i didnt. I thought it was suppose to take 4-6 weeks. Weird. Oh well. As long as my dreams come true i guess.
thats all it ever is with me. i crave attention and will do almost anything for it at times. i act cute for it on a daily basis. all sweet and innocent. back in high school id play with my sleeve. hey look at me i cut again. care about me. hit my head off the wall. pay attention to me. stop me.
im sorry……the concerned look in your eyes haunts me to this day. every time i came back from a smoke. every time i came back from being with them. you could see where i was going and look at that….you were right. i know being right doesnt make you happy and i know you wish it could have been different. but for everything i did……i deserved it
Everyone keeps trying to reassure me. They keep saying it will get better. What they dont know is i feel like i gave up. That feeling of trying to fight something for so long and then just one day you say f*** it whatever i dont care anymore. Why am i still bothering ill probably never know. Whatever makes them happy at this point i guess.
i want to take another walk to the bridge…..
Why wont he say im a problem. I know i am. Im not stupid. I tried to jump off a bridge to think im not a problem would be stupid. Please just say it and ill be gone.
the more and more i do this helping thing the more and more i want to go into hiding and never return
there i was standing on the bridge thinking of all the what ifs. what about. what if i jump? what i succeed? what if i dont? what about my grampy? what about my cats? will anyone stop? will i hear sirens any minute? and then i felt it. this hand on my shoulder. i turned around dazed and confused. there was this girl standing there. “are you ok” she asked me. “im fine. just looking at the water” i tried to tell her. but i couldnt. i started crying instead. i hugged her and said thank you. she asked what was wrong and i told her. i told her that life was just getting too much. and that i had been abused in every way possible since i was born. then she told me a bit about her story. it was at this point my husband finally located me. she was on her was home from work. after talking for a bit her and i walked off the bridge together to where my husband had brought our truck to the other side to wait for me. we exchanged numbers and she waited until i was in the truck until she left me. i messaged her later and now we are going out for supper on monday. i cant wait to get to know more about the angel that saved my life tonight.