Lately I’ve taken to drawing a % on my wrist. Just a little reminder that I’m just another statistic.
My current reason for wanting death is the only thing keeping me alive. i guess thats its purpose anyway.
It makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. It makes you feel safe and secure.
At least I think so. I never got to know the feeling of “home”.
i wouldnt call it inspiring but its not bad either. i thought someone else might like these songs as much as i do :).
i personally like this song because suicide aside, you really can die at any second so you should at least try to cherish some moments because anything can happen. if you were told you had 1 week to live and you could do anything you wanted, money not an issue, what would you do? (it has to be something positive, not blowing something up or killing people) i told my friend i want to go mountain climbing before i die. ive always liked adventures.
and i like this song because well:
“If you’re going through Hell
Keep on going, don’t slow down
If you’re scared, don’t show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you’re there”
i think its true. if youre going through a bad time just keep on going and you might get out before the devil knows youre there
im cancelling my appointment with my psychiatrist. i already stopped seeing my therapist (but that was her own doing for not getting ahold of me when this whole pandemic thing started and its not like i didnt try. i called several times.) my friend bugged me and bugged me for years saying he would feel better if i was getting help. well now i can either not tell him and the only way he would know is if i told him or tell him which i really dont want to do. im not even sure why im putting this up for suggestions i probably just wont tell him.
You don’t die but the life you currently know is gone. You get to restart. You select the age and then click the restart button. You don’t remember anything but you have faint memories of the ones that harmed you. Just enough to know you should avoid them other then that everything past the selected age is forgotten.
I’d pick age 9 as my restart date. well…i have reasons for picking the day I was born to. Like how my mother threw my biodad out of my life. Or left me to starve so she could go… Maybe I should just pick the day I was born..
Or maybe the restart button isn’t for me. I can’t change what she did.
I saw my stepdad and now I’m slowly recovering from a massive panic attack. My chest hurts my gut is upside down. As much as I hate change I should move far away so I never have to see anyone ever again.
I’m 20. My back is fucked. I almost always have a headache. I might have arthritis or something in my fingers. I get random pains in my arms and legs. My feet get cramps and lock up. I can’t breath because of an undiagnosed chest problem, so no running or walking a lot plus I will take random gulps of air. and let’s not even get started on my mental problems. I have multiple personalities. Mood swings that i have zero control over. Anxiety that is on occasion crippling. It’s honestly amazing I can even leave the house. dissociation so bad that I’m not even sure I’m alive or anything is even real. I’m just so fucking sick and tired of it all. I’m 20 this is fucking stupid.
Oh and memory so bad that I’m constantly saying I don’t remember or repeating things I already said. (I didn’t know if I should put that under physical or mental problem so I just saved it for the end)
And honestly the dissociation and memory is so bad that I mostly just keep my mouth shut now because I’m fairly confident im completely insane.
see i knew i was forgetting something. i also have pseudohallucinations and hallucinations. totally not fun.
I love you little brother and as soon as I can ill make up for all the missed birthdays and Christmas’. Have an amazing day little dude. One more year has passed and that’s a year closer to me getting you back. I’m sorry I ever left but I hope when you’re older and I tell you you’ll understand. I couldn’t stay and it had nothing to do with you or our other brother. It’s because of you that I stayed as long as I did. I miss you guys sooo much. and I love you both with all of my heart.
How’s that saying go? If you can’t fight ’em join em. I think. Anyway what if I stopped fighting my disorders. What if I lived with them. Just day by day. Some days are bad some days are ok. It has to at least be less stressful then swimming against the current.
I’m getting tired of them humoring me. I feel like I’m being treated like a child. And the worse part is I can’t say anything about it because they’re right to. I get upset easily and I know they mean nothing by it but it will still upset me. The more days that pass the more I think I am better off alone or dead. I do nothing except cause people problems.
ok so a bit of backstory to the question first. im watching river monsters and a child got eaten by piranhas (piranhas theyre from the amazon (sorry for the nemo reference it just kinda popped in my head))
anyway my question: if someone is dying and you have the chance to save them, do you?
morally the answer is well yeah duh. but if they are dying they will most likely (depending on the cause obviously) will be really messed up, either physically mentally or both. is letting them live the rest of their life like that really better then leaving them for dead?
I really should stop doing it. Every time I open my mouth I hate myself a little bit more.
there i went, fucking stuff up again. i really would be better off dead
friend: if youre reading this ( i know you arent. i dont even know why im doing this. just in case i guess) anyway…
if youre reading this im sorry. you…..i dont even know what to say. i didnt want to. you know that….why am i even doing this. im sure you wont be gone for long. its for the best though. i know you dont agree with me. i know for the past 24hrs youve probably been sitting there worrying. trying to act like everything is fine meanwhile on the inside youve been waiting for my message. something, anything to say im still alive. and i am. for the most part im ok, i guess. as ok as one can get that is suicidal. and im sorry you ever entered my life. i dont regret knowing you. youre an awesome guy and i really couldnt ask for a better friend…but im the problem. i always have been and i always will be. i thank you for protecting me from myself all these years. but thats not your job. youre only young (yeah i know youre older 😛 ) but you have so many years ahead of you. you should be living them instead of worrying about me. you deserve a happier life. a life that im not a part of. a life where you dont have to worry about whether or not im finally going to make the jump. you deserve so much more and thats something i cant give you. i know you look past my flaws, i know you accept my mistakes as a product of my upbringing, i know youd forgive anything, youve proven that…i just feel that you would be happier without me. i know i know you cant forget me. you can at least try, cant you? also you know me i wont be far. and you can message me any time and ill read it. you just wont know i read it and……depending on what it is…..i might even answer. i know you dont mind “putting up with me” but i mind. ill miss you…..and i hope you always remember the good ones.
ps if youre reading this because i sent it to you…..all i can really say is i said it wouldnt be for long hehe 🙂
those mental awareness videos in school and what not typically depict a sad person, sitting alone. and then a few people will show up and do anything and everything to make the person happy.
i hate being “that person”. my friend will change his plans for the day just because i want to talk.
i just want to disappear.
i was wondering if anyone tripped across a selfhate “game” either online or android. i was thinking something like where a “bully” messages you to the point where you really hate yourself although ill look at anything along the same selfhate idea. and please dont tell me i deserve better and that its a bad idea.
if you could add in some of your own insults that would be cool but i dont want to ask for too much so this would just be an added bonus
You’re perfect. You’re sweet and kind and patient.
And I’m not right for you. I’m not good enough. I’m not perfect like you.
im sorry. i hope i didnt bother you by commenting. i just thought youd like someone to talk to about it. someone that would listen and not judge you.
my friend doesnt make any sense. maybe im just missing something. with him…i could get away with murder. literally. like i actually asked him about this and he said yeah. but everything i do….if anyone else were to do it, hed hate them. he hates alcoholics. he hates druggies. he hates anger. he basically hates everything i am but he doesnt hate me. he just lets it roll of his shoulder like its nothing. yeah it upsets him and he wishes i wouldnt but he doesnt hate me for it and he never gets annoyed with me. ive even tried and the only thing i succeed at was feeling like sh*t.
i lost probably the best thing i had, didnt i?
anyway happy birthday dude and sorry i couldnt stay sober for a month. i promised you today though 🙂 and although i havent told you….i feel like you know. maybe because i stopped talking about it. you just kinda assumed. and i know i should tell you but i also know part of you would be hurt by it even though youd still be happy i tried. and i know youd understand a month is a lot so i did pretty good making it as far as i did but it still scares me to tell you. i hate hurting you and i feel like thats all i ever do.
made everything seem absolutely fine even though i was highly depressed, skipped worked, drank and played a game with my friend, he had no idea about any of it. i didnt mention anything about depression. he doesnt know i didnt go to work today. and he doesnt know that the whole time we were playing a game that i was drinking. i would have been high too but my weed was with my husband…at work. now i just need to keep up with everything seeming fine. break up with my husband. move out on my own. keep hiding everything from my friend and get involved with drugs and shit so i can have a place to stay without having a job. this is gonna be fun. and maybe if im lucky ill die at some point. hopefully not before any of this happens though, death right now would be difficult but if this situation i have dreamed for myself succeeds my death wont matter to anyone.
It seems like every time my loved ones try to be “helpful” they just do the complete opposite. Like last night i was talking to my friend saying im probably going in for an xray on my chest and head and an mri and i dont want to because i already had like 5 xrays. (I lost count but its really close to there…maybe 6 idk) his idea of helping me was telling me that other people are in the hospital a lot more often. And i bring up my memory problem with him and he says my memory doesnt seem that bad but it feels like every time i turn around im repeating something or saying i dont remember. I know they are just trying to be helpful but it really doesnt feel like it. And this morning my husband was less then helpful saying something about stress and having a heart attack so i basically disappeared for 5 hours and my goodbye was “yep blame everything on me” i really do seem hopeless. Everything thats suppose to help just makes me worse. Be it my “support group”, therapy, medication, music, likes, whatever…none of it helps me. I havent found a single thing and ive been searching for years. The mri was my idea though. I figured it would give my psychiatrist some insight into what hes working with and maybe give us answers and a direction, but that doesnt mean i like the idea. The 2 xrays is my husbands idea. Somwthing about a breathing problem where i occasionally randomly gasp for air and what most humans can do without a problem will leave me like i just ran a marathon. The other one it too make sure i havent done any damage to my head after hiting it on walls.