I cannot WAIT till im a adult. Then i’ll just be as far as possible from my home and my family. Now before i go on my rant, let me just say no, i dont have a physically abusive family, no are my parents divorced nor are they dead, sick or drug addicts. They just treat me like woman were treated in the 1940’s. No rights. No freedom. They were OBLIGED to stay home and work, things like that. Well that’s how I am treated. I have been occasionally depressed for a while now. (my depressive bouts usually last between hours to a week). Anyway, i tell my parents and family that the reason i am depressed is because i have no friends and i get bullied and pushed around at school. Im weak. I have a tough mind, but when you’re up against people who have lots of friends, with a whole group who could beat you up, there really isnt much you can do. I maybe “tough” but im not stupid. Anyway, half of the reason why i am depressed is because of my treatment in the family. I have always wished that i could be treated like another fellow human in my family- the only person who treats me nice occasionally is my mum. Love ya mum! ANyway, im a 14 year old boy who just came out of summer holidays and i did over 130+ hours of vineyard work and probably about 300+ hours of house work. Yet im still the unimportant one. The useless one. The dumb one. The one without a voice. My dad treats me like he would a piece of shit, he tells me that i did crap on my report (i got 4 A’s out of 7 subjects) and that i dont work much and that i deserve nothing especially when compared to others. THAT FUCKING MAN!!!!! he does not even know how much work i do by comparison to a normal child, he is blind and selfish. He only goes on and on about the vineyard because he wants to make it his sad story- although its his fault for not studying in school and acting like an idiot when he was young. My oldest brother (lets say his name is Ronald) Ronald, is very rude to me, constantly. He tells me to shut up, calls me useless, slow, rude, bitchy, over-reactive and undeserving. He puts me down so often that my mind is often split between agreeing with him and being against him. He tells me i have no right to ever say anything, that im too dumb and stupid to deserve to say anything, that i have no right to stand up for myself (these are all quotes!!!) and that only when i am a “mature adult with a life” then will i be able to stand up for myself. Well what a load of shit. He is 21 and cant even figure out his own life, is deferring university and works at a pen shop. I do understand that he is lost, but he has no right to say anything. My middle brother constantly reminds me how is better at everything to me and that he is superior in every way, rubs the fact that he has a social life in my face, and always beats me at everything he ever tells me. Worse, my parents let my brothers put me down everyday, and say nothing, yet they seem perfectly happy to talk shit about me behind my back, that way Ronald has plenty of fresh put downs for me. Its just ridiculous. As soon as I am 18, im moving out. I dont give a fuck if im poor or starving, as long as I have my own life seperated from the people who made me want to kill myself even more. I have no power. Combined with everything, i really am just a small boy in a very deep dark pit. And i feel like i deserve it too. Thanks to everyone, i believe that i have no good in me, none at all. So please dont say something like, I tHINK YOURE BEAUTIFUL, because i know im not. I get laughed at as soon as i go out in public, so please, just dont.
My feelings are so jumbled right now, and i can barely get through it… i feel so guilty for going back to school, my mum just said how now we have to do so much extra now that im gone… its so unfair how im only 14 and i did over 350 hours of work over the two month holiday yet i still feel like im a terrible worker and a whiner. Its because my parents always compare me to my brothers. “oh im sad that you’re depressed, but your brother has it worse” “you have nothing to complain about, your brother has it worse” im so fucking sick of it, being compared to my brothers all the time. while it is true that my brother does get it worse than me from dad (who is extremely critical, pessimistic and narrow minded) but everything he gets he takes out on me. I dont think i can name a single insult i havent received from him, and at least mum sticks up for him, she doesn’t stick up for me. if i ever try to stand up for myself (most of the time) i just get told to shut up because my brothers right. Hugo’s the dumb one. Brothers the smart one. That appears to be the philosophy here. im so sick of being told i dont have it bad (FUCK i cant even go in public anymore because everyone just laughs at me because of my appearance, i have no friends, i hate myself etc..) when my brothers have it easier. they have someone to take it out on, and i dont. Any ‘right’ i had to stick up for myself is gone.
Im sick of being told how bad I am.
Im sick of being told i dont try anything. I do 3 sports, and am involved in 4 bands and the debating team. Dad tells me its not that much.
Im sick of being told im unimportant.
If my brother was depressed, mum would take him to get help at the psychologist. I am depressed, and she knows it, yet no psychologist for me. Thats always how it is. WHen my brother pulls a sad face, everyone should drool with sympathy for him. When im depressed, nobody gives a fuck.
I go back to school tomorrow, and im so freaked out. Im practically having panic attacks. Im just scared because i go to an all boys school yet you would think its more like an all girls school, so much bitching and stabbing in the back goes on, and i have no friends, i get called gay by everyone, and every single little action i make, including eating ice-cream makes me gay. And now that im in year 9, everyone is getting worse, now any nice people are just being impossible. I wish i wasnt so mature sometimes, it just makes life more difficult -_-‘
I feel like a criminal. I feel like i’ve done so many unspeakably horrible things. Yet i havent. Why? I believe i deserve to be tortured and shot dead, because i feel that im such a bad person that i deserve to be dead. Someone like me who is just such a freak deserves to die. I feel like i have no good. I used to think i was compassionate, but im not anymore because my family would always tell me off for it. I just finished one of my many long talks with my brother about my bad traits. This time it was about how terrible i am at speaking on the telephone. I never though i was that terrible but there i go. He said i was unspeakably dumb and terrible at it for about 20 mins. I hate how all i get is correction and people telling me to change when the people telling me to change arent perfect either (and they never will be!). I feel like any rights i ever had to disagree have all disappeared, because if i ever try to stand up for myself they tell me i have no right because im the youngest and dumbest etc… so i thought i might pile a list of what the family go on and on about me and how i disagree yet cant do anything about it here:
Im a very slow worker (i get that alot)
Im too absentminded (this is very true, my thoughts are always racing)
I have too many pimples
im a drama queen, overreact, and lie about all my problems, and apparently my problems mean nothing compared to theirs
Im a freak
im dumb (i got 4 a’s out of my 7 subjects, but i still believe i did shit on my report and sat on my bed crying at night for 3 days afterward because i cant believe i did that shit)
Im mums favorite (this is NOT TRUE, if anyone its my middle brother, moms always babies him because he’s the one that is always allowed to act depressed or tired and she is kind to him, for the rest of us its like ok shut up and more (check my other posts for more))
I just wish i was dead. I find it drastically unfair that not only do i get called all these things by people in general public, but my family too! Especially when they’re so difficult. I’ve tried telling my parents that im depressed but they just say im lying and later to get over it, i just wish i could go to a psychologist or something but i cant 🙁 at the moment i am actually contemplating starving myself and sleeping less, that way my physical appearance will look terrible, and i can talk to a doctor. (my parents arent big on doctors, believe me, even when i had pneumonia i only saw the doctor once in two weeks and i was just sitting alone on the bed in the house and i was 7. worrying haha) i’ve also contemplated killing myself because hopefully it could make other parents maybe realise that their kids might be telling the truth 🙂 still, i dont really see any point in living, i mean every opportunity to make friends i always fuck up, (and those are the ones that dont hate me on sight) even today i tried to make friends with my cousin but she said that she is judging me very harshly now because i said that i once ate a persimmon that wasn’t ripe. I just feel like im a mistake and im a waste of money, i deserve to be sent to a juvenile detention center and get beaten up till i bleed and cry every day, and then someone finally stabs me. I dont have a single good trait and i believe it is unfair that go to school and have opportunities when other kids in africa could actually be smart but dont get the chance. Someone just help me, i fear i may have to act soon.
P.S: dont suggest seeing a school councilor, i didnt find her very helpful at all and it just gave me unwanted attention
Im sick of it. I have no way to let my feelings out. The shower is my sanctuary. Its the only place where im able to cry and just be one with my feelings, rather than have to hide them and be falsely cheery all the time. Now thats gone too. My brother times my showers every day, and he always tells mum and dad. Now they’re angry at me and i have nowhere to go to. Please someone… help… i have nothing that can lift me out of depression now…
The word servant means many things to me, and it also relates to how i am seen in my family. I am 14 years old, and the youngest of my family. I have two brothers who are aged 20 and 21, and mum and dad who are in their 50’s. I hate how i am treated, but i also hate myself because of that and the fact that i have no friends. People in the family treat me like they only had a 3rd child so i could be their pawn. My mum gets me to do craploads of tasks, never communicates on exactly what im supposed to be doing, my dad also gets me to do a lot but is never happy, my brother (middle) has to rub in the fact that he has a social life, and my oldest brother is constantly rude to me, saying things like when youre not dumb and you’ve actually had a couple of experiences, then you can have an opinion.
I feel shut out. Everyone gets me to be their personal servant (and i do a LOT of work, where talking keeping our large house clean, doing laundry for 5 people, cooking, and doing 80+ hours on the farm) yet nothing i do is good. I get treated like im dumb, worthless, useless and annoying, and im always the person that cops any bad moods, especially from my middle brother who hurts me a lot. I feel like my family is a family of 4 plus a servant. I just feel depressed. The only thing i havent lost interest in yet is reading, because it means i can be somewhere where i get treated like my own human being and not a mindless servant. I just hate myself now. My dad is a particular problem, because he criticizes me for everything and even calls me ‘idiot’. Oh yeah, and i believe im delusional alot of the time because mum keeps agreeing with me on things then as soon as dad comes in she starts lying and getting angry at me. and theres also something else. Im under the suspicion that i may be developing bipolar disorder. my aunt has it so i decided to research it, and i discovered that i have many of these symptoms. Around one third of the tim im depressed, and occasionally i can get so depressed that i actually become delusional, like i think people want me dead and i can actually hear them saying things about me. Then sometimes im in a normal mood. Then other times im in this crazy confident mood where i think life is fantastic and have all these crazy ideas. Only problem is, my ‘episodes’ can last from anywhere to a couple of hours to maybe a week. So does that sound like bipolar to you? Im afraid to ask my mum to go to the doctors because she always poo-poos these things and i have never been to a doctors checkup. EVER. not even when i had pneumonia, i just sat on a couch alone at my grandmothers vomiting my innards up. PLEASE HELP ME, I JUST HATE MY LIFE, I FEEL DUMB AND I THINK I HAVE BIPOLAR< summary
I have two older brothers. For now we will just talk about the middle child. My middle brother is an extremely difficult person. Not only that, but mum favours him. Not only does mum favour him by fawning on him like a cute little sad child (which she doesnt do for the rest of us) she will always take his side. I believe that this was because my brother was beaten up once when he was around 6 years old, and was then depressed for a couple of years. Even after that though, he would still use his depression as leverage to get what he wanted. He is 20 now (6 years older than me) and i am sick to death of him. He is fantastic at everything, usually without even trying (he literally cruised through school) unfortunately, he is still a hard worker. Not only that, he beats me at every single thing i have ever done with him, even if he has never even played a game of it (basketball for instance). Im frickin sick of it. he is always so good at everything, and he always says so. He always has to talk bout his social life in front of me, because i dont have one. he is perfectly comfortable with hitting me, and does so every day. As soon as i ever hit him back he gets very annoyed (even though i take it everyday) and mum always gets angry at me. Furthermore, he sets out to make me unhappy by constantly doing things just to make my life harder. Mum still doesnt care. What makes me even more angry is that he constantly tries to act wise, yet he is SO BLOODY JUVENILE! He acts like he’s the strong one, yet he’s not the one who doesnt have to live with depression every day and hide it, because i know if i showed it mum would give me 5 seconds of sympathy before telling me to move on, and no sympathy or help from dad. My older brother always comes out on top of everything, he even got revenge on the kids that attacked him. He always comes out on top. Me on bottom. He also feels the need to correct every one of my little problems. Because of him, i feel depressed, angry, jealous and worthless by his attitude. My parents always act kind to him, but treat me like some dumb juvenile kid. Im just sick of it. I want out.
I have problems with myself. I believe everything in the world is beautiful ba me and some humans. I hate myself, because i have no friends etc. the usual nosh. Anyway, what really makes me angry and upset is my dad. I dont get along with my Dad, he is impossible. Im on summer holidays right now, and we have a grape farm. All holidays, seeing as i have no friends to go out with, i am in charge of keeping our very large house clean as well as things like laundry cooking etc.. and i also work on the farm (i’ve done 75+ hours so far). Anyway, i have no problem with that, but my dad treats me and also pretty much says that i do nothing and i should stop idling. IM SICK OF IT. Nothing is ever good for him. My dad is extremely narrow-minded, short-sighted, pessimistic, critical, rude, insensitive and just plain annoying. I feel depressed alot these days, and even though my mum tries to make me feel better, my dad just makes it completely worse. He says i do nothing for my family. If i finish a hard day of work and sit down, he will ask me why i havent done something else and get angry.
He called my school marks crap.
All of them. I got 4 A’s out of my 7 subjects, and even though i could improve in some areas, my dad dismissed it as crap, he didnt even comment on the 92% i got on my english. My dad frequently treats me like im dumb, he explains the most basic things to me in a strained voice like im dumb. When i tell him what i would like to be when im older, (journalist) he always says that i have no chance and that i wont make any money. He doesnt believe in me at all. No wonder i have no self-confidence. Everytime i do anything good, he squashes it. What do i do? How do i get him to stop? I wish i could move out, but im only 14. I just feel useless and dumb and that i have no more good inside me 🙁 even worse, im scared of ending up like him when im older. SO please help, just some advice or some kind words would be nice 🙂 (oh and dont suggest making friends, because even people i dont know see me on the street and instantly call me gay and treat me like a disease. No one will give me the benefit of a doubt, even though im not gay.)
Ever since I was little, my parents have always been different. Harder,stricter, meaner. To all outward appearances, they seem like some fairly-wealthy, friendly vignorons (grape growers). Well if they’re friendly, then they probably just dont like me. Preposterous you say? Your parents LOVE you you say?
No, they dont. Not mine at least. For years ive always been that useless, dumb child that they cant stand the look of. No matter how friendly i am, how well i achieve or how much i help them, i get more crap. Im not dumb and im not useless. But they think I am. Any thirst for knowledge i ever had has been quenched by their dumb narrow-mindedness and their attitude. I live on a farm, im a bloody hard worker, and much more than any other teenager my age (i just turned 14). I devote my entire holidays to keeping our very large house clean, working on the farm and working in our shop. I’ve done nearly 85 hours this holidays just out of the farm and the shop, and thats on top of the house. Yet still, i cant even talk to either of them without them acting (and sometimes even saying) that im dumb, im slow. Tonight, i offered to make ravioli for the family, as i have done that before and it means that mum can rest. But because we had no sauce, i asked her to write down the instructions for making it(im proficient in cooking, but i still am not at the point where i can just know what to do) and now shes home and angry at me, saying: “See hugo, this is how you peel an onion! You could’ve done that today instead of giving me grief over it!” followed by much sighing and acting like im a nuisance.I didnt GIVE my mum fucking grief over it, she will pick out every single little thing i do and then dramatise it. Now because i get upset when ever i even try something new because i apparently “give her grief” my thirst for knowledge is shrinking. My dad is a bit different. Instead my dad will just challenge you on a fact and will either a) prove you wrong and laugh at you or B) get proved wrong and still believe in his side of the argument and say that people will laugh at my idiocy. Even when im being compassionate for others they’re still angry at me. I just want to leave the house. So fucking bad. I plan to move to london in four years time. If i hold on that long. That is all for now.
Originally, I always thought that god loved me, and that other people loved me too. I thought that my lack of talents or good traits was just unlucky. But I dont think God loves me, or anyone else for that matter. Even my own mum, admitted that she thought that i am “Sick”. My parents are never going to be happy. Neither am I. It doesnt help that i have no talents or abilities or ethics, even the most basic instructions i find hard to understand. Im slow. Im dumb. Im weak. I have been called all these things by my parents. Theyre right of course, but it still hurts. truth is, i have never, ever won a single thing. Not even a game of cards. God hates me, he deliberately created me just so i could be a failure, a freak. Thats the kind of treatment i get whenever i go out at least, that is on the rare occasion that i go out, seeing as i have no friends. I just want out of life. Life is beautiful except for me, people dont like me on sight. My last hope was that i had one good trait. I dont like it when my parents or brothers make fun of other people. Strangely though, my parents get angry and frustrated at me for this. My parents hate me for everything. They comment on my looks everyday, and they treat me like im the worst son they could possible have. Oh well. Not everyone can be loved.
Gay. Freak. Weirdo. Im afraid to go out in public now, because i can see and hear everyone laughing at me, calling me names. Im used to this, but before i had friends. I have no friends now. My friends dont think about me anymore since i moved schools, they have new, better, cooler friends to hang out with now. But i have no friends at my new school either. Starting from my first day there, they started judging me. They decided that apparently i was ‘gay’. I have no idea where they got this from, but people just in public seem to think the same. I dont think one person at my school would give me the benefit of the doubt. Even on the train, where i thought i could make friends with some nicer people, started calling me names (gay, freak etc.) before i had even said anything. They would just look at me and then decide these things, and everyday its like a dagger, because im completely alone. I dont even know what makes me look ‘gay’ or like a ‘freak’, its not like im a goth or something (although i have nothing against them) i look like a perfectly normal kid, but everyone calls me these names.
I wish i was dead. I realise that the only place for me on this planet is for me to be someone else’s verbal abuse bag. I’m THIS close to cutting myself, i’ve already tried starving myself because i deserve the pain, but mum forces me to eat. I’ve tried hinting to my parents that im depressed, that i need help, but they dont understand. They think im just a dumb, overly reactive, juvenile teen. They arent happy with who i am. I got 4 A’s out of 8 subjects in my last report, but dad dismissed as ‘crap’ because i didnt get an a in math. Im so desperate for my life to end. Im completely alone. It pains me to know that when we did a survey on who do we have to help us through things, the only boxes i ticked were websites and pet. Nobody likes me, i dont like myself, fine.
So for once today, i actually felt good. no suicidal thoughts, no depression, no irritability (then again i seem to have a really fast version of bipolar when it comes to moods) but then my dad decided, that like every other day, he had to annoy me. I know this isnt suicidal but it makes me very angry and even depressed on occasion, i just dont know how to handle it on top of my already difficult life at the moment. Here they are:
1. Deliberately embarrassing me infront of our extended family.
2. Saying my report is ‘crap’ even though i got 4 A’s out of my 8 subjects, just because i didnt get an a in math and science, and completely ignoring the fact that i got 91% in my english exam. (THANKS?)
3. Accusing me of watching porn on my laptop just because i accidentaly locked my door.
4. Constantly trying to get me to change my career into something ‘worthwhile’.
5. Saying that all the house work i do (all of it as we have a farm so i do all the house work) is not a contribution.
6. Making stupid arguments with me on subjects he has no idea about (i really mean it)
7. Constantly trying to change my opinion on things.
9. treats me like im useless and dumb.
Look, i know this isnt that bad, but i feel angry considering what im already going through and then this to top it off. I just feel so opressed in my household. nobody cares about my opinions, no one believes in my abilities and everyone treats me like im dumb. i know i have skills, but i dont ever feel confident in them because anything i ever want to do towards them, like entering a writing competition (which ive wanted to do for 2 and a half years) but i feel they wont believe in me and laugh at me. Seriously! What do i do?
I dont deserve to live. Thats what I think, and thats what I feel everyone else should think about me. Ever since i’ve become a teenager my life has just been shit. You’ll probably say im just overreacting. You’re probably right. But i cant help it. I just hate myself so bad I can barely describe it. Im a failure at life. I had friends, then I lost them, im socially awkward, im a freak, im a coward, im pessimistic, im selfish, im useless, im dumb, im slow and im narrow-minded. I feel like Gods mistake. Aparrently God gave everyone a good trait, but not me. Like I said, im a mistake, a freak. I almost wish that I could be in a really difficult situation with my family life, that way i have an excuse to be depressed, but no, i have to just be living a sheltered life while being a overreactive, sensitive whiny teenager. When I think about myself in the future, the only thing i can think about is me living off social security, being ugly and having no friends. I wish someone could just kill me that way I could just be free of myself, because I dont deserve to have a great life but to be a dumb freak who just wastes space, time and energy. :'(
Once again, i find myself feeling depressed. I thought I might list down my probles here:
Everyone I ever meet instanly calls me gay, sometimes even before I’ve said a word to them.
My parents often make out like im the worst child they could ever have, which I dont think I am.
I have no friends at my new school, and my good friends from my old school are replacing me.
So there you have it. Like I said in my first post, i really feel like im just Gods trash. I feel like an accident, a mistake. There is absolutely nothing good about me. I hate myself more than others hate me. Even God probably thinks: “Geez how did I stuff up so bad?” I finally realised where all my problems are coming from. Me. I am the worst person i have ever met. Dont say I need to try more new things, because I do plenty of co-curricular stuff. Unsurprisingly i am crap at them. Maybe my parents treat me like a disgusting excuse for a human being because i am one, and that goes for “friends” too. Everytime I do actually start to make a friend who doesnt think im gay, he or she discovers my true personality and decides that he or she no longer likes me. Fair enough. I dont like me either. At this moment. i just wish I could be free of my life, whether I burn in the pits of hell or I am reincarnated i dont care. I just hate myself. I DESERVE to rot and die, I deserve to be punished badly, because only those who are strong can survive in this world. People like me who have everything but cant live through it deserve to be punished. These days, i just feel horrible most of the time. I cant believe how bad a person I am. Im socially awkward, weird, stupid, ugly, annoying, creepy, cynical, judgemental, self conscious, irritable, snappish, short sighted, narrow and just a ****** over all, plus i have no talent at anything. I really hate myself, and I just wish someone would come up to me and say these things to me, because I realise that they are right. SO can someone please just offer me some advice, or at least something to make me feel better, cause I really just want out.
P.S If you say I should make connections with people I share interests with, at my school there is nobody that i share interests with. They only like sport and gaming. Oh yeah, and maybe people think that im gay because I can be a bit girly sometimes. Who knows, maybe im transgender? Another thing to add to the list of Why I Dont Deserve My place On Earth.
Once again, I talk to you about how I hate myself, in finer detail through several posts i shall write.l. Im 14, for those of you hear who arent teenagers im sure you remember (or have heard) the socially akward, the classification of people, the need to be in, the primitive yet complex popularity scale. Its all very interesting, but I feel like I really dont fit in to anything. The truth is, im just plain weird (not to mention unpopular, ugly, awkward, etc.) I really dont know how to handle myself in any given situations. Example: Tonight at youth, instead of engaging in conversation with the people i know in a civilized manner, i be a complete weird beard, who nobody like. Instantly. Whether I actually intend this as part of my sub-conscious or whether im doing it to get attention im really not sure. Trying to figure myself out, I vision that this could be in relation to many things of my life, such as neglect from my parents and being ignored by people, etc. Back to the point, I instantly feel like people are gossiping about me, and then I wonder why. Obviously (i say to myself) im clearly just stupid or retarded, awkward, someone nobody really likes to know, and it doesn’t help that since I moved schools everyone has been a dick-head whereas beforehand I had a fair amount of friends, whereas now I feel like im being replaced by someone who everybody likes. Im no longer funny. Im no longer happy. Nobody likes me. Im sociall awkard. How did my life go so downhill in just one year (as i said before, these arent the only things making me upset). It also doesnt help that the girl i love has to keep flirting with me yet im not sure whether she likes me or not seeing as she says she loves someone else. I really do hate myself. I take so long to catch up on any conversation and any conversation i make is only funny for 10 seconds and then starts an awkward silence 20 seconds longer… I just wish I wasnt the way i am 🙁
So I have been feeling depressed for a while now. I wouldn’t really say its constant, my emotions are a bit of a roller coaster.see, I feel like I’m gods mistake, and that I have to put his “mistake” right by killing myself. The worst part is that I know I’m just being too much of a dramatic ******, but I can’t help it. I have recently moved schools, leaving all my best friends, and now I’m growing apart from them. Not only that, but everyone at my new school thinks I’m gay. Even my “friends” admit that they think I’m gay. My mum gave me the advice to just be myself but I think that that’s a bad idea seeing as I’m so stupid 🙁 I also have minor family problems, like not being appreciated or like being not being given any attention and being blamed for everything. To be honest, I don’t think I have a single good quality. I’m bad. Like I said before, I’m Gods mistake, and I DESERVE to be dead. I used to have high aspirations but not any more. Someone please help me :'(