I feel not great about living. I kinda fucked up with my partner. Because I was openly expressing my emotional state of “I want to die.” And like I’m like deathly terrified that they’re going to leave, even if it’s unreasonable. My own past life mental health stuff has been fucking with me for awhile now. And my partner is taking time away from social stuff because he doesn’t feel social. And it’s low key eating me up inside cause of a lot of things. And I’ve no bloody idea what to do. At all. So yeah that’s fun. Not really but y’know.
Tw: mentions of SA, ODing, etc.
Well. It’s been quite the fucking year. And gods do I hate myself. I’m going to start it off with the main thing. When I was 18 1/2 or so I started dating this 40 year old piece of trash. And my mother knew that he was practically a pedophile. Like a step away from crossing the line. He’s currently out of jail and shit. But I just feel absolutely fucking disgusted with myself. And my mother didn’t say shit, in fact she was jealous over the entire thing. Fucking jealous. And then not long after I learned what happened with […]
Shit… and now it’s all too easy… I… I promised someone I wouldn’t. And here I am sitting alone in the dark. With all the means to finish the job. I… I know I can’t I just… I feel so lost. So uncontrollably alone. So much is happening right now and I don’t know what to do. Someone hurt me deeply and I don’t feel an ounce of anger over what that thing did. And I don’t feel sorry for it either. I don’t feel anything at all for the most part. But.. that’s all I’ve ever felt for years. Like taking another hit. And […]
Let this blood soak in my hands
I’ll take the blade and place it to my neck
How simple is that
Everything is fine, isn’t it?
All it is is anxiety
Or is it?
Let me drown in the blood of my body
What a better way to go
The bones of my mind ache
Emotions are too hard to handle
I know I’m messed up
Who cares if I understand myself or not
It’s not gonna help
No blade, no person, not the forcing down of emotions
I need to say something
I need it to make sense
I can’t tell if I’m in fantasy or reality
And no one around me knows either?
All of […]
I felt the need to put this here. Maybe it will help someone.
Red and Blue
What undeniable pain
Choosing between red and between blue.
Most said it was easy,
I said I loved them both the same.
But maybe this wasn’t as true as I thought.
I love red a lot.
I love it for the glint in blood
The velvet in petals
The anger in soul
And the grass on the knoll.
It’s beautiful passion rinses through us all
It’s telling tale of love and hate.
But for me it was not to be.
For blue held my heart, though I viewed it […]
Don’t say anything, just drown in the pain.
No one understands.
That’s fine, just drown in the pain.
Don’t say a word, just breathe silently.
Just suck it all in and hold it there, don’t want to hurt anyone.
Still in pain, still can’t breath?
Here, just take the blade.
Don’t forget to cover up. Don’t let anyone see it.
You’re crying. Wash your face. No one can know.
These emotions, they’re affecting you. Bury them underneath.
No one can know. No one is supposed to know.
Just drown in the pain.
What you feel doesn’t matter.
That’s not what you’re supposed to look like.
I want to end it. I’d love to but there’s a few things I’m afraid of. Oddly enough, it’s not what I would do to my “family” if I finally do it. It’s if after I do it, they would do it too. I can’t handle them in life, so how am I supposed to handle them in death? If the fact that them being around just seems to haunt the very peace of my soul, then what am I to do after I die? Must I keep suffering through what we call life? Because honestly I see no point to it. Or rather, I […]
How… how am I supposed to continue? How am I supposed to continue when all of the sources of life that I had have all dried out? Point? What point? We live and then return to the grave. I’ve given a soul when no one else has rather than going along with it like everyone else, and now I see there was no point to a single thing we did. It was just a grade. A class. A diploma. A job. And now? Now it is a grave. I’m six feet under, but apparently I’m buried in glass because no one notices. Not a single […]