my ocd is at an all time high, and i have no idea what to do about it — please help?
i have no friends.
i haven’t attended school for two years.
my family are abusive.
my life is a mess, and i can’t clean it up.
i have nothing going for me,
and i am going nowhere.
i’ve ruined myself and my life.
today, i brought home my new kitten.
he is so small, and so sweet – and currently unnamed. i’ll update this post and tell you his name when i have chosen it.
update: his name is axle.
mental illness has coloured my personality – it’s almost like i don’t know who i truly am…
i know i would be different if my illnesses faded away, or were just erased… but how different?
i don’t know why –
today has been relatively normal, i went out for a bit, and there was some arguing – but, nothing out of the ordinary…
all i know is, i was just watching tv and somehow my hand creeped up to my eyelashes and started to pull… and pull…
once i -properly- realised, i thought to myself, ‘the pleasure will last short of a second, then you will regret this for months.’
yet, i continued to pull.
after a while, i stopped. my lashes now look sparse, with a few gaps but… it could have been worse, i guess.
i am so ugly, i am sick of it.
i hate my eyes, i hate myself.
i hate the way i have to rely on makeup to look even remotely nice, and i hate the problems that come with the makeup.
i hate how i wake up every morning, feeling and looking disgusting.
being ugly is probably the root to a few of my problems.
my ugliness will never change or be fixed.
being ugly means i will never be happy.
i am so sick of being ugly.
almost my entire family are abusive, but i won’t get into all of that; i’ll start with who/what affects me most – the family i live with…
my younger sister is verbally, emotionally and physically abusive,
and my nan is verbally and emotionally abusive.
they are both controlling and manipulating too, and their moods can go from being cheerful, kind, and nice, to horrible in seconds.
they blame me for lots of things that aren’t my fault, if they are not being abusive towards me, they clash with eachother and come back to me and talk shit about the other behind their back…
these are things i deal with multiple times on a daily basis,
how can i cope and deal with this?
time is seeming to move so fast, yet so slow –
i spend everyday doing the same things; scrolling aimlessly though the internet for hours, playing video games, watching tv…
i’ve been doing this for… five years now (more in the past couple) and, now, it’s almost the new school year… where has all the time gone? individual days are too slow but overall, time is too quick.
i’m 13. i won’t get these years back. i’m wasting my time here. i’m wasting my life.
i have depression – i mostly just sit in my room, and scroll aimlessly through the internet for hours.
what type of things can i do to make myself feel better? bear in mind, i’m only 13.
i am ugly – my eyes are ugly. everything else about me is fine, perfect, even, but my eyes – they are so ugly.
i don’t know what has happened to them – they used to be pretty. the past few years, they have started to change, for some reason. the only way i can ‘fix’ it is by wearing winged eyeliner and eyeliner on my waterline, and sometimes they can look great, but usually, they don’t. i mean, they look decent, as i’m pretty good at makeup, but two minutes after applying the eyeliner on my waterline, it just doesn’t look as good as it did when i first put it on, which changes how my eyes, and then the rest of my face, look.
it makes me very upset, and has made me lose a lot of confidence – i mean, i have social anxiety too, but i feel as though if my eyes were pretty, it would make my entire face look pretty, and i would feel confident enough to be able to do normal, everyday things. you wouldn’t believe how different i look with and without makeup on.
i’ve tried to understand why my eyes have changed these past couple years. i used to suffer from trichotillomania, and would pull my eyelashes out, except, i developed that at age 8, and my eyes didn’t start changing until around 10 years old. i’m 13 now, and even though all my lashes have grown back, my eyes don’t look how they used to. is it just what is natural, and am i just going to have my eyes and my face like this forever? will i be ugly forever?
(ps – i just joined this website, i don’t know how to look or even respond to comments or messages, so, sorry if i don’t reply)