Its funny, because as soon as I cut, the tears stop. I have no need to cry anymore. Until tommorow.
A couple days ago, my sister found out that I cut. I confronted yahoo answers for it and I got a negative reply. They told me that I cut because I was only seeking attention. They said my “selfishness” was hurting everyone around me. I never meant for anyone around me to find out. I am cutting to cope with my feelings (its bad I know) but it was NOT for attention. I feel so much guilt when I look at my sister now. I feel so bad that she found out that I cut. I have desperatly been searching for a better alternative. I claw at my skin just so I dont cut. It works but I end up in tears from all the guilt. I have been thinking of suicide more and more now. I try to imagine what it would be like. How would people react. I have been feeling so sad all the damn time. 24/7. I cant tell any of my friends my problems because I dont want to seem selfish. Its killing me inside. I cant go to anyone. I dont want to hurt them with the truth. I dont want to feel any guilt about telling them. Im crying and I cant get help. I dont want people to hate me because of this. Ive already lost the friends that I told my problems to. I dont want to lose any more.
Im not sure whether or not I still have depression because I stopped crying and feeling numb all the time. However, maybe its because I got out of school and I dont have to see anyone anymore. I still cut and think about cutting everyday. I still like depressing music. Im not sure if im better or not.
I have no really good friends and im sick of it. I try to see what the problem is and the only thing I can think of is that I dont “pop out” like everyone else does. Everyone has something special about them. Not me, Im just a boring, depressed person who dosent have friends. I dont blame people that they dont like to talk to me. Also, everyone that I know has had at least 1 boyfriend before, but me. I know im not popular but seriously. I feel unloved. It feels like I have a dark pit in my heart because Ive been neglected by everyone. Im just not special and nobody like me. Nobody has ever felt any attraction to me either. Am I that horrible of a person? Even my friends dont think im interesting.
So, I have nowhere to rant so im just gonna do it here. Excuse my incorrect grammar and spelling or confusing stuff. Here goes. Please stick with me.
Everyone who I thought was my friend just ignores me. Im never invited anywhere when all my best friends go out together. People never text me, I have to text them first, and they just ignore me. I’m fucking sick of trying to make everyone happy when no one gives a shit about me. Thats one of the reasons why I have depression. Now let me tell about other stuff.
Im not sure how this all started off. I just remember trying to cut one day but I chickened out. A couple days later I did cut and I was so proud of myself. My cuts got deeper and deeper. It was an addiction. Im sure everybody around me noticed I was depressed but they didnt care. Even my mom didnt care. My friends didnt even give a shit. Im so sick of everyone else having a friend to go to but me.
I started to go numb inside. I also started to think about suicide. I seriously almost killed myself one day. It was hell, I was holding my knife, and having flashes in my head of killing myself. Im still in so much pain. School was hell, I was trying not to cry throughout the day. I cried as soon as I got home, cut, and went to sleep to escape from everything. The next day, I was so numb, not happy, not sad, just annoyed. I hated talking to people it was so irritating and took so much effort.
Anyway, my depression completely ruined my social life. I felt so sick of trying to make friends when I was just ignored. I was neglected by everyone so I didnt give a shit anymore. I blocked everyone out. Since I went numb and gave up on talking to people, I forgot how to hold a normal conversation. Now im known as the girl that never talks. I dont see the point in talking to anyone anymore, I forget how to talk to people normally. I fucking hate what my depression did to me.
Sometimes Im not depressed, I miss the feeling of sadness so I cut to make myself sad again. I love and hate depression at the same time. Its weird. Like, I want to be happy, but at the same time I dont. I still havent gotten better and I dont want to.
Anyway, if you read this whole thing, thank you so much. Goodbye now