I’ve been depressed for about 6 years. Â I’ve been thinking pretty much these thoughts throughout the entirety of that time period- the thoughts becoming more complex and clear or unclear as time passed. Â I’m 18 now. Â It has been especially bad this year getting ready for college. Â The thoughts of moving out and beginning the rest of my life are eating away at me. Â I never really thought I would get this far but I did. Â The fact that I’ve only been here 18 years is killing me. Â I’ve only been here 18 years. Â How can I possibly put up with 70 more years of this? Â 50 if I’m lucky.
Jesus, I don’t know. Â Do you?
I have no ambitions and there isn’t really anything I want. Â I hate the shit you have to do- go to school, get a job, ect…-in order to have whatever it is I’m supposed to want. Â I don’t want to get married or have kids or have a house.Â DefinitelyÂ no kids. Â I don’t see how anyone could force someone into life and all of the dreadful decisions and thoughts that come along with it.
I feel that The only reason I’m going to school and still working for my future is because I can’t mooch off my parents my whole life. Â If it wasn’t for my family and my fear of whatever happens Â after death Â I would be dead. Â I don’t really believe in heaven or hell or god, but I believe in the possibility of them. Â I believe in the possibility of anything really. I guess I don’t just hate life, I hate my existence.
I would never do anything to hurt my family, so even if I knew for a fact that death was a good way out, I would stay alive for my family. Â I say I love them but I don’t really feel anything for them or any of my friends for that matter. Â Apart from my brother at least. Â Maybe I do love them. Â I do enjoy them and have fun with them -family, not friends- Â but if they all told me they hated me or kicked me out or something I wouldn’t feel hurt. Well, I’d be upset about losing my brother. Â I don’t know why, but I never feel close to anyone. Â I never feel like IÂ trulyÂ care for anyone and I hate it. Â I want to love people and to be loved but I never care or feel like I do.
I never feel sad or happy. Â I just dread everything. Â I could probably count the things I like on my fingers, and even those things aren’t worth existing for. Â If Â I could choose to erase my existence- everything, my past, present, future, any memories of me, any god’s knowledge of me- I would probably do it. Â Assuming it didn’t hurt my family of course.