For as long as I can remember, I didn’t think life was worth living because everything in my eyes was absurd, then I met a guy, started talking to him and he made me feel loved, he gave me a reason to smile again, But on October 20th I got word that my nephew had committed suicide. I hit a new low. I was at ROCK BOTTOM. Getting that news was paralyzing. I felt like my dreams were ripped from my very hands, torn, and thrown in my face. I started to shut everyone out including the guy who was my light for several months. He didn’t understand the situation and got very aggravated with me, things blew up and we broke things off, with the hope of getting back with him in the future, when my family would ask about him it was easier for me to say he got locked up for distributing drugs (he sold cocaine) then to actually tell them what happened. After that and the loss of my nephew, I was in the worst state of mind I had ever been in I couldn’t hide the feeling of despair that had been clouding my mind for years. My crying and negative thoughts got so out of hand that my mom would plead with me everyday to get help, and I know that when she would leave me she was afraid that it might have been the last time she would see me alive. I didn’t see change for a very long time, although it was getting easier to keep my feelings at bay until I was alone. In Late February I dropped my mom off at a bus station and hugged her tight because I had a plan, My mom was going on a five day cruise and would be back the following Friday and I was to pick her up from the bus stop, except i wasn’t planning on picking her up, I was planing on jumping off of the exit of I10 onto 410 the Night before she got back to Texas just so she’d get the news when she was on land and able to come back to San Antonio as opposed to being in the middle of the ocean helpless. I don’t really know what stopped me that day, but Right now I wish It hadn’t, I wish I would have driven up to that overpass and jumped. It’s taking me everything I have not to catch an uber or taxi up there.
I just want someone to vent to, but I have no friends, I was once close to my siblings but I think they all kind of just got tired of me, and everyone else who is supposed to be my support system tells me people have it worse than I do so I have no reason to be depressed and quite honestly I have no Idea why my depression started, but I do know what triggered my suicidal tendencies and what is keeping me down and I want someone to listen with the intention of understanding and no just to reply. I want that without having to pay someone to pretend to care. Sorry for all misspelled words and improper grammar, I haven’t slept in 36 hours and I am very sleepy.