I think this year it will finally happen. After wanting it for almost 20 years…it’s time. I’m worthless and hurt everyone anyway, why not just do it? Happy New Year.
I absolutely hate the whole “suicide is selfish” bullshit. I really feel that people are selfish for making me stay alive & suffer. Sure, they’re not forcing me to stay alive, but I’ve been given the guilt trip & all of that stuff. Pretty much everyone in my life knows that I want to die. Family, friends, doctors, etc. I’m rather open about it. I’ve made all sorts of promises, but I really don’t know how much more I can take. I’ve had various plans. Some halfhearted attempts. Most of my plans now are pretty full proof, but complicated. I just stumbled across a new method, easily accessible & lethal. It’s been around 20 or more years of this bullshit. I honestly wish I would have just died when I was 17, so that maybe now, people would have had time to get over it. I’m 36 now. This is enough.
I don’t want to hurt anyone. It’s the only thing that’s keeping me here. It’s the holidays, that would be horrible to do to them. I know I have people who love & care about me. Sometimes that just doesn’t feel like enough. When I get really bad, I don’t even have the energy to leave my house to carry out my plan. I’m not angry, I don’t want to kill myself to get back at anyone. I’m not going through a break up or anything. If anything, I have too many people who love me and it kills me to hurt them. 🙁 I’m evil inside. No one seems to understand that. I can’t stand myself.
I wanted to get everything in order. Get rid of some stuff first so as to not overwhelm people with the massive amounts of hoarding of shit in my room. I just don’t have the energy.
This makes sense though, right? I should have the right to kill myself? I wish I didn’t care. I really don’t want to be here anymore….haven’t for a very long time now. 🙁 Can anyone else relate? Suffering for so long, no treatment works (I also posted about the various treatments I’ve had in another post) I’m in a program now, just trying to get through it without ending up in the hospital b/c that would just make things worse.
Apparently I was already a member here, but I don’t remember joining. But I’m glad I re-found this site. I need a non-judgemental place to talk. I’ll try to keep it short. 😛
I’ve been severely depressed and suicidal for over 19 years now. I’ve had some periods of “ok-ness”, but nothing too exciting. Pretty much tried all the meds/med combos/ketamine infusion/ECT/different therapies/hospitalizations/residentials/etc. Had some random, minor attempts. And here I am today, still depressed as hell & just wanting to end it all.
My nephew killed himself almost 2 years ago. It was extremely heartbreaking and I’m still not even close to being over it. If anything, that showed me how much suicide can effect other people. 🙁 That was my biggest deterrent from killing myself, was the fear of hurting my family & friends.
But last night I had a deep conversation with my mom. The one I was most afraid to hurt. I think she finally gets it. I think she would understand it if I did finally kill myself. No doubt she’d be upset, but she would understand. This gives me some peace.
I’m not really an impulsive person (except maybe for SI, but even that I think about before I do it). This has been well thought out for a pretty long time now. I just really don’t want another 19+ years of this. I’m only living to keep others happy, not for myself. It’s been like that forever. I truly hate myself & I really don’t think anything will ever change that. I’m extremely lucky I have so many people that love & care for me, but nothing can overpower this self hatred and need to self destruct. I’m an evil person who only hurts others and it kills me when I do. I’d like to think I’m being rational in this decision. But who knows.
I’m in no immediate danger. There are some things I need to work out first. I just want peace and as hard as I’ve tried to get it here, it just never works out.
I’m having overwhelming urges to OD tonight. I have the sleeping pills. I cleaned up my room. I’m shaking and my heart is racing, even after taking 2 klonopins. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I feel this need to do it. Now. I need help. I’m not sure what I should do. I don’t want to be locked up again. I don’t think I want to die. I don’t know what I want. Maybe just to sleep. For a long time.
I just can’t take it anymore. I’ve had these feelings before and they never ended up very positively. Â I just cut myself and it wasn’t enough. My life is just headed downwards and I don’t have the energy to change things. I haven’t left the house all week, except to go to the bar and get drunk. I finally showered this morning because I have to go to work. I’m disgusting. I need the strength and courage not to buy pills today after work. I have a feeling I will. It’s like uncontrollable. I don’t want to live like this anymore. 🙁
ETA: I really don’t want to hurt my friends and family, but I just can’t help myself or how I’m feeling.