I have decided. I actually decided this a while ago. I’m going to leave onÂ Thursday. I’m not sure what will happen. I don’t even know if I am going to die because there is this guy I’ve been talking to. Â Half of me hopes he stops me, But half of me hopes he won’t care. Even if he does help, one day I will kill myself. If he does happen to help, maybe I’ll post somethingÂ FridayÂ to let you all know I’mÂ OK(sort of). Or maybe I just won’t and I won’t ever come back here. Who knows anymore.
Honestly, I think the song skyscraper just saved my life tonight.
But, I din’t want to be saved.
I wanted to die….
so this weekend I’m at my dads for Christmas. i love my dad but i don’t really love the new family. my 7 year old stepsister has got to be the most annoying person i have ever met. last night she cried because no one would tuck her into bed. today she cried because i wouldn’t give a fucking cupcake at 10:30 at night. and my mom asked us to come to this church thing. i went and i went to go talk to my friends. then i get yelled at later for ‘deserting them.’ if they wanted me to sit with them they should have said something.
this is definitelyÂ the worstÂ ChristmasÂ i have ever had. i really wish i had my razor with me. or if i could find some freaking pencil sharpeners.
someone kill me please. that’s my Christmas wish
so, today i felt like i had to write my suicide note because i was feeling really crappy. Â i don’t know if Â id ever do it, but i had the biggest urge to tonight. so here it is, just so i could tell someone.
mom, i love you and i always will. you were always there for me, always helped me with anything. but i dont think i could be helped this time. this was my own choice.
i have always wanted to leave. i was always forcing that smile and laugh, just so you thought i was happy. i was never happy. i don’t know what will happen now but I’m
always going to be with you. i love you.
dad, don’t blame yourself. it wasn’t you, it was me. sure, what you did hurt, but i was hurt before that. i know i cant say anything, but don’t take the same way i did. youÂ are loved, and i always meant it when i said i loved you. i just couldn’t take it anymore.
Chris, you are a fucking asshole and i hate you. i really do. a lot of what i did was your fault. you were one of the main reasons i did this. but please, you don’t
need to give a fuck. just make jokes about it and it will go away. it doesn’t matter anyway. PS i never loved you. you really were the worst brother i could ever have.
my friends, some of you will understand better than others why i did this, but none of you will truly get it. you were the ones who were there for me when no one else
was.i know you tried to help me, but you couldn’t. i tried to be happy for you but it was heartbreaking.forget me and move on. i don’t matter anyways. but, i will always
love you more than anything in the world (except for my parents) and you were the best things to ever come into my life.
i dont know what will happen now. i should mention to my mom that i dont believe in god. its been a long time since i have.i continued to go for you, but it all seemed
pointless.i really hope no one forgets me, but i want you all to move on.
i love you all. please forgive me. its what i wanted
Once I was happy,
Full of laughter and cheer,
So sometimes I wonder
How I ended up here.
Life just seems grim,
And I don’t want to try,
Everyday I go home,
I sit down and cry.
You made it worse,
Your Â teasing and fun,
I was ready to give up,
And admit you had won.
But instead I pushed on,
Didn’t want to let go,
Didn’t want to give up.
But how could you know?
You didn’t know,
Because I wouldn’t talk,
Open-mouthed you’d stare,
As I struggled to walk.
No one would help,
But you couldn’t see.
Inside I was crying,
For you to help me.
But why should you notice?
Why should you care?
I bet you couldn’t tell,
If I vanished, into thin air.
You didn’t see,
How bad I was hurt,
You treated me worse,
Than you treated dirt.
So tonight while you sleep,
I will take that knife,
Build up my courage,
And take my own life.
I’d leave a few words,
So some wouldn’t worry,
But I won’t tell you,
Just sit in your fury.
I’ll leave this world,
Because you gave up on me,
My tears won’t flow anymore.
And you’ll hear my silent plea.
You will finally see the truth,
And everyone will see,
It wasn’t my fault,
Society did it to me.
Today, I seriously considered killing myself.
Today, I didn’t do it.
Today, I yelled at myself for not leaving.
Today, my mom found out I cut myself.
Today, my dad tried to send me to a mental hospital.
Today, my brother told to cut myself.
Tonight, I’ll want to let go…
Tonight, Â I’ll just cut even deeper.
Tonight, Savannah will convince me to stay here.
Tomorrow, I will hate my guts.
Tomorrow, I will paint that smile on my face.
Tomorrow, no one will even notice that I’m screaming for help
I want to get help I won’t ever get better……
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.
I met a guy. He was really nice. But as soon as I friended him on facebook, he never talked to me again. I didn’t Â understand what I did so wrong. I don’t get why he judged me by the way I look. I already know I don’t look very good, and my self esteem isn’t very high. Wait, that was a lie. I don’t HAVE self esteem. But because of that, I don’t know if I can even think I look pretty anymore. All I want is a nice guy to like me for me. ButÂ apparentlyÂ they don’tÂ existÂ nowadays. I just want it all to be over.
I wish I could just die.
I told my two best friends that i think i need help and that i thought i wasÂ borderlineÂ anorexic. the first one laughed and said that it was okay, then she turned the conversation to herself. like iÂ don’tÂ even matter. she turned to my other friend and said ‘i cut myself the other day after not doing it for so long.’ i wanted to turn to her and say ‘yeah, well i contemplate suicide every night and you ignoring my problems because you think all anyone ever cares about is you. thanks for letting me know you want me to stay here.’
the second person i told was a lot easier to talk to. she just sat and listened andÂ didn’tÂ say anythingÂ untilÂ i brought up the anorexia. she just looked at me and said what. i understood her reaction because iÂ don’tÂ really fit theÂ categoryÂ of skin and bones, but i told her how i can go days without eating and iÂ don’tÂ even care. she asked if i wanted to go to theÂ counselor, and i do but iÂ don’tÂ know how to talk to someone about my own problems without feeling like Â i’mÂ beingÂ conceitedÂ and selfish.
I justÂ don’tÂ know what to do anymore.
They say it gets better, and that it won’t last forever. But Â I wonder when it will start for me?
It started 3 years ago. I had heard my parents fighting, and then my dad put a gun to his head and he said no one would care if he pulled the trigger. But his 12 year old daughter was watching from the doorway, and to her it mattered very much. I never told him I saw that, so he can’t understand how much that messed me up. That year was already bad. I was bullied for my weight and I’ve never really gotten over that. But then the next year theyÂ announced he was leaving. I learned a few months later he was having an affair. That was a problem by itself. And the next summer, right before I started high school, he said he asked Â her to marry him. And she said yes. That was the very first night I ever cut myself. I only told 2 people about it. They didn’t say much, I knew they cut too. When I did it, the whole world seemed to melt away, and I was finally in control of myself. I was 13. That year was the worst school year I have ever had. I fell in love twice and both boys rejected me. One even wanted me dead. I then had to endure my father’s wedding to another woman while pasting a smile on my face just to be happy for him. He moved into her house with her daughter and live a new life. And everyday I have to life with the fact that he left us for something better. And every night I try to tell myself that it’s not my fault. But I can’t believe it. He left because he realized I wasn’t going to become anything in my life. I will always be the ugly fat girl no one wants to be with.
This school year started 2 months ago. Every single one of my friends knows I cut myself now. I even gave my razors to one of my friends. All but one of them, I couldn’t let go. I had a huge fight with my mom and she found the cuts on my wrist. Lately I’ve thought a lot about suicide. I know exactly how I would do it. There is a hello kitty bottle beside my bed on Â a table that most people think is just a toy. But what no one knows is it is filled with 40 pills that I can take if it gets too much. To many nights I have stayed up contemplatingÂ whether or Â not to take them. I told 2 people about that. Neither of them told me not to do it. It makes me wonder if I really mean anything to anyone.
I’ve taken many online tests -which probably isn’t the most accurate- Â and every single one told me I wasÂ severelyÂ depressed. I want to ask someone for help, but I’m afraid that they will just laugh at me and say I’m seeking attention. I don’t know what to do and I don’t have many options left. I need help but I have no idea what to do.