Well it happened. I lost the person I loved the most.. the only person I could truly stand. The only friend I truly had. The person who knows me best. He’s gone I lost him. I know I could probably get through this if I had more people in my life but I really don’t. It’s all so pointless now. It was before but now I really have no one. I wish I had the strength to either live or kill myself but I don’t have either so now to sit here and rot in this inbetween state of not living but not being dead.
IrrationalLion
im so over it all. The constant trying and getting no where. Distracting myself hoping it’ll somehow change everything. Helping other people with their problems when no ones there for me. Im not strong enough to be alone but most the people in my life aren’t treating me the way I treat them / deserve to be treated and I know as far as being a kind genuine person who’s there for people, I am. But its either be used and get hurt or be alone and sit here rotting in my own self loathingness and go crazy. Which is it ?
I literally never feel okay. On Friday I went to finally go to the doctors for my depression that I’ve dealt with for 6-7 years and my anxiety that I’ve been dealing with for 3 years now. I obviously didn’t admit im suicidal because I’m pretty sure they would do something about that but they didn’t really take it seriously. She literally said well since its not that serious I recommend going to therapy sessions ( she gave me medicine too so thats good) but I literally told her I feel low about myself and have depressing thoughts daily for a long time now. And […]
its hard to look forward when you don’t know what to be looking at. I think I know what I want but it relies on other people, which I don’t trust because people always let me down. On my own I don’t have much to think of. I don’t want to be alone. Im miserable alone. Im miserable in general but I know for a fact being totally alone wouldn’t help. What do you do when you’re life relies on a few people /a person around you and without that person you don’t even care about life?
No matter where I am shitty people always find their way into my life. That part doesn’t change. What will change is the way I handle that. I used to think the old people in my life who fucked me over, all the people who were jealous,I now realize, and secretly wanted me to do bad, and all the people who simply didn’t care enough to stick around, were in my life because I had been in that town so long and so they knew me and the old me wouldn’t stick up for myself enough to kick them the fuck out of my life […]
i truly didn’t wanna kill myself for a while now. The idea was definitely appealing but I think I’m so close to ending it. My only good aspect of my life just left. The one person I wanted most & the only one I wanted & they don’t feel the same way. My whole future based around this idea of this one thing is shattered & it was the only thing keeping me going this whole time. If I find an appealing way that I think I would like to end it all then I think I just might.
Until you kill yourself no one really cares. You can tell your family, friends, lover how mentally tired you are. They can see the dull look in your eyes. They invite you places and pick up on the fact you’ve been hiding out in your room in your free time. You can tell them how hard school is and how stressed you are and how you wish you didn’t even go to college. They see your self harm scars from years ago that you managed to hide for so long. You try ranting to them about how emotionally unstable you’ve been and how stuck you […]
I made it to college alive surprisingly. Wishing I didn’t though. Im not even that homesick although its only been a few days. Im just not happy. Things can change course but I don’t know my hope has run out. I had one best friend at home and I was dumb enough to leave him. The worst part is if you were to see me you’d literally have no clue. I’ve been making friends, socializing, walking around campus and some of the town exploring. I even went to a party last night for a little while. I know if I really hate it I can […]
Ive gotten to the point where bad stuff happens so often it doesn’t surprise me anymore. Im just waiting for what will come next. Get in trouble by a cop for doing absolutely nothing wrong but being in the wrong place at the wrong time and ended up leaving with a ticket and court date, getting bad news about a family member being very sick, saying goodbye to a friend moving. All in one fucking day. Doesn’t surprise me that’s actually quite what I would expect for my luck. But my mentality can’t take my luck. Im so ready to just end just stop this […]
Well just when I thought I could finally have a normal life again after 3 years I was wrong. My last 3 years of high school were hell for me. Lonely days, sad nights, anxiety through the roof, depressed, etc. All the memorable highschool things such as prom and graduation are forever ruined for me. I had a lot of faith that college would be a new, better experience for me & its already getting torn from my head. I went to my orientation a few weeks ago & of course during the night when I was sleeping in a room with two other girls […]
I was doing fine not perfect but not bad to be honest but of course my mother just had to ask me about the scars under my tattoo and then proceeded the point out more scars on me and ask me what are those from? and theres so many.. In front of my friend, my dad, and my uncle. I just started wearing shorts again less than 2 months ago ( after I got my tattoo). She knows what self harm scars look like. Most people do. So why do that to me ? Obviously I tried covering it im trying to move on and […]
Im hating the person Im becoming. Pessimistic. Judgmental. Bitchy. Negative. I just cant help it. Nothing is going right. I have no one that I can talk to about it. I barely have people in my life in general. The people I do have treat me like a door mat. Something that’s always around, choosing when to use it. I’m just running out of reasons to really live I guess. I feel as though things could be different if I just had one person in my life who actually was here to listen to me and isn’t constantly mean to me and will actually make […]
I’m convinced more than ever the world truly hates me. Its always one thing after another. Needing to do shit for school, neurologist appts that need to be rescheduled, birth control issues. I realize I, like most other people, have shit like this always going on. Daily life struggles and stresses. But most people have a day or two out of the week where they get to do something they truly enjoy doing or get together with a group of friends and get to sit around and joke and laugh and just all together forget about these struggles for the day. I don’t. I don’t […]
Im so sick of feeling this sad sunken feeling in my chest. The past year and a half ive gotten no break from it. I honestly hope if it wont get better and if theres some god out there he’ll kill me. Before I kill myself. I’m getting less scared to die every day I think I’m almost ready for it, waiting maybe. I can give my parents all the money I have to pay for the funeral and I can be done feeling this way. Its so tiring. I’m so fucking nice and caring to everyone. I’m constantly putting myself in others shoes before […]
I’m so over life. My life has been a living hell since 2017 started but really since 2016. Every year it gets worse than the last. I have no friends. I have a lover who probably doesn’t love me back and if he does he surely doesn’t show it. As far as family goes I really have my mom, dad, and sister. I’ll never be close to my mom or dad to the point where i’d say they know me. They think they do though of course but no. My sister lives the life I’ve always wanted. I spend my days filling it in. School. […]
this is what it has come to I’m officially my own bestfriend. Because you don’t seem to know how to answer your phone when I try to get ahold of you. Our whole friend has been based around you for the past 1-2 years and I’m over it. I need a friend who can atleast answer me back when I need them or doesn’t ignore me for for a solid month multiple times. If we can be good friends I don’t want to be semi acquaintances its not what I signed up for. You think the world revolves around you because you have shit going […]
I’m so used to going through every day feeling nothing positive. I’d say for a solid 6 months I’ve felt anger, sadness, loneliness, jealousy, hopeless. I’ve felt frozen with only negative emotions being able to course through my body. I jus want a small period of time where I feel good, reassured with myself, happy, glad I’m still here. I need some kind of sign that even though this past year and a half has been legit the hardest time of my life but that it’ll be worth it somehow, or maybe not even worth it maybe just a sign that my life won’t be […]
Ah the root of it all.. the one thing in my life I have no other option than to take like a champ because theres nothing anyone can do. I have severe epilepsy. It started out mostly just mild seizures in my sleep. Yes that’s scary as hell already since sometime they can get pretty bad sometimes. Like choking on my own saliva and eventually passing out bad. Only a few times though. I’ve trained myself to sleep strictly on my sides. Usually they’re not that bad a little painful a little confusion then its over and I can get up and calm myself down. […]
why is that everyone in my life leaves some how some way, even the ones that didn’t choose to or they fuck me over to the point I wish they’d leave. I’m the type of person who’s 95% of the time going through some shit myself but if I seen someone who needed a friend or someone to listen, regardless if I knew them or not, i’d listen and help to the best of my abilities. If my friend called me upset it would take me less than 30 minutes to leave my house and drive over to theirs. If my friend needed a ride […]
I’m not even mad at him anymore. I’m mad at fate. Because I’m 80% sure me and him were meant to be just friends. I’m a little mad at myself because I knew my feelings for him at first weren’t stable and I wish I read more into that but that was years ago. Now I’m stuck feeling like the shittiest person ever because I constantly look at the guy I love and know that if this continues the way it does, which it probably will because he is who he is and that wont change nor do I want it to, not if it […]