I hate even talking about it because I am scared I will convince others to feel the same as me. My thinking is wrong I guess so don’t follow me. I am 27 now I’ll be 28 soon. I grew up being hopeful so hopeful and happy like I had the world I could go anywhere I had the feeling like things will go up and I still have things to do.
I was listening to music from 2011 not even sad music and I just started sobbing. I remembered how happy I was I really think I was so happy then. But each year after that I just kept feeling less and less happy but I was still hopeful and knew it would get better. It has not it just gets worse and I am so tired I am just so TIRED. To my soul. I don’t even see the point in getting happier anyway anymore.
When my friends talk to me about their problems I don’t even feel like trying to convincing them its going to be okay and that they need to keep trying because I don’t believe it at all. I do anyway because I don’t want them to feel like me.
People constantly say that you need to love yourself first before others can love you. I hate it I hate that saying so much. I have always loved myself I love myself. I have a deep love for myself but people do not show me love. They have never showed me love. I think about how good I treat people and how I don’t deserve bad treatment at all but people still treat me in selfish ways. They care for me in lazy ways. I look around and they do not treat others in the same ways they treat me. They get angry when they make me sad or hurt. It’s not just my family its my friends my coworkers just everyone eventually treats me bad. People around me are mean spirited and don’t want the best for others and joke about them behind their backs.
People are not like me I feel like an alien. I feel like I was on the wrong planet. I feel like people can tell I am from the wrong planet.
I am just so tired and I don’t want to do it anymore. Its not fair. People say keep trying. But how long and how hard do I have to try.
I wont hurt myself because I have pets to take care of because if I die nobody will care for them like I do.
I even dream about myself dying and people coming up to my grave telling me that I’m lazy.
I cant ever rest nobody will let me I have nobody that feels like home to me I have nobody that feels like warmth.
I am so warm to people I am so kind to people I am so good to people I think about people I am considerate to people. I don’t do these things for anything in return. But I just don’t understand why people are just not to me.
Everyone just watches me and waits for my next mistake.
I grew up to have no skills my parents never supported any extra things I wanted to do they would get bored of taking me to extra classes so I would just not go.
My whole family got bored of children once it was my turn. I am the youngest they already went through it a couple of times no reason for them to go through it all again.
I just wish someone would allow me to rest. I need to rest.
My hair has been falling out it has recetnly been growing back but its all grey.
I know this is all over the place but I am just so tired. I need peace but I will never find it.