I was an escort and I had gotten into a bad situation early this morning where I was almost kidnapped and raped. I was tied up with duct tape by my wrists and ankles, but luckily I escaped with my life and only my phone stolen (thanks to my persuasive abilities at the time). I had lost all my contacts as of now (including the one of my love), but I had an icloud which I could not reach at the moment. The detectives were going to do DNA tests and came to my house with photographs of possible suspects….. They were all my clients before and it had looked like mugshots…………………. one of them was my love… if I were to go to county jail and requested to speak with any of the people who had the same name as my boyfriend, would I be able to?
Me and my good internet friend Tori had known each other for years. We both had an interest in drugs and it got us both healthy and happy. Sometimes she would drink and she would smoke weed every day. She got into this business with a guy she knew where she was helping him sell drugs. She was a nervous girl, but she was always so kind to me and everyone. I believed she (living in Ireland) had gotten arrested for distributing drugs. That’s a long time in jail. Although she WAS 16 or 17 at the time… i would like to reach out to her. I didnt even know her last name….
I did a lot of drugs in my lifetime but what i noticed was the pattern of when i used cocaine and alcohol. Every time I used them, a few days later I would be an emotional spiral. I would be really mean to myself.
Alcohol may be legal but the government wanted you to keep taking them, you could become depressed and drink more, then buy anti-depressants to restart the cycle. Money flow, more spend. How much did you want to bet it costed a lot of money for you to go to rehab and therapy?
I graduated highschool last year as Class 2018. I came in to highschool freshman year knowing these would be the worst years of my life, as I would be bullied and humiliated causing of any of my new doors to shut on me before I knew they existed. I was right and attempted suicide a month after turning 15. I came back from several rehab centers with new skills and coping mechanisms. I felt really lively but it was knocked down when my past followed me and I was bullied harder than ever before. Nobody knew that on Youtube before I turned the age of 16 that I racked up over 2 million views for my videos and was a viral sensation. Nobody gave me the chance to tell them. At the end of my highschool years, I never got to have a boyfriend or experience in trying any drugs (even weed). I learned that many people in the school were doing drugs and there was so much sex going on. Everyone KNEW I was the last one to do anything and pitied me (never really stepped in to offer me the experiences OR cockblocked me because I wasnt “good enough”). It drove me crazy. I ran away and started doing adult entertainment, stripping, and selling myself for drug money (which I had a huge success in). My reputation got ruined but it was worth it to feel actual happiness. I should’ve ran away a long time ago but it would have been illegal at the time since I was living in Georgia. I was being neglected by my mother, I had gotten so skinny and i was banned from having any friends (she was a sick woman). This meant everybody automatically had pity for me. I would not have any sympathy for the world even if you asked me to. Anybody that had got jobs or went to college (where they would have to work with co-workers or other people) had the privilege of being able to be treated fairly (otherwise they would have quit) did NOT deserve MY respect. I hated everyone that was part of living in normal society of such a cruel ass world. I became mean-spirited, AS I SHOULD, about how the main reason why I would be able to make it far anyway was because I was pretty AND good enough. They could not say the same because they were afraid of actual profit.
My step father molested me all the time from when i was 8-9. I felt hopeless because i tried to tell my mom but i thought she was going to get mad at ME and punish ME because i had no clue what it was but i just let it happen. I feel like she knew though but tried to deny it. My biological father and family lives in Florida and I live in Georgia. If I lived down there with them then maybe I wouldve been able to tell them, up here I had nobody but my mom to tell and she let me down. I let this damage me for years and I used to blame myself for everything and cut my skin and hit myself with umbrellas and try to attempt suicide by drinking mouthwash (i was young). I learned in the 8th grade about the laws and stuff and my teacher spoke about everything in a SERIOUS tone, she brought up molestation and spoke on it. Thats when it hit me clearly that it wasnt my fault. I told my mom, she was shocked and hurt and said she believes me, she brought my step father in the room to ask him and he calmly denied it, no shock or anger or anything and he didnt seem surprised by what was said. My mom said she believed me but she kept him in the house for almost a full year. I was also getting humiliated in school almost every day. I spent many months in the dark of my room refusing to come downstairs to eat because he was sitting in the living room getting away with what he had done to me, happy as can be. I tried to commit suicide when I had just turned 15 and it took 4 treatments there ..because i kept coming back.. and a professional therapist to tell my mom that i was telling the truth, for her to believe me and THATS when she decided to kick him out the house. I was still not fitting well in school so i focused on My schoolwork but really, on the inside, i was doing it for my mom to see that im worth something. I couldnt care less about a diploma, but i was doing it for her. I told her i wasnt going to prom or graduation, though i WAS graduating, and she told me that she didnt care if she was going or not By choice. Then even though i was doing it all for her, Only to be told that “Wow!!! You’re actually graduating?! I need to give you money!!” ….. she had no faith in me whatsoever, even though i went through anorexia, mental breakdowns where i lost my self worth, social isolation, and wearing the same clothes every day. She really didnt see me as anything with potential. Maybe if i was bad, fought in school, swore at my teachers, stabbed my step father in the eyeball while he was sitting in the couch, skip classes, do drugs and smoke weed, Maybe my life wouldve been better. I graduated and i refuse to go to college. Life already kicked my ass and fighting for what everybody else is going to get, is honestly a waste of time. I dont see anything in myself and im constantly looking for the love I wishe i had, settling for the least even if i can just get an ounce of love from it. Living the big materialistic life is just not for me and not going to make me happy. I just wanted a friend.
Im currently talking to multiple guys at once. Neither of them know but I have way too much respect for each of them to think that they’re nothing to me. I spend my time with them and help them if the have issues. My relationships never work out and I am very depressed on the inside, not sure if it is because of this but I feel like having someone there will make me feel better. Unfortunately I have to deal with the immaturity of males of this generation who temporarily want me for sex. I am a black girl and not the desired mixed girl with beautiful features so I have to struggle to keep a decent guy on my hands. Having multiple people prevents me from feeling that I have to struggle to keep someone’s attention. Believe me, I’ve tried, and I’m not even boring, just reallyyyy goofy. I feel that life is just not worth living sometimes, no male figure (my father, my brothers included) has ever respected me and I feel like selling my soul (letting them use me for sex) to feel important, even if it’s temporary, I just hate myself and I’m on my last straw I swear.
I’m 17 and not allowed to do anything. My mom won’t teach me how to drive because she’s afraid i’m going to go out and do things or something. I dress very lame compared to my younger brother who is up to date with trends and i barely shop because my mom wants me to spend my own money on things. I barely have money because i dont have a job and i don’t get a bit of allowance anymore. I’m cooped up in the house because i was not allowed to go to parties because she didn’t know the parents and i didn’t have responsible friends to go with me. Everywhere I go is with my mom.
I don’t have boyfriends because i’m awkward and lame so any guy that is attracted to me gets bored of me and tries to use me for sex. Eventually they leave me for an actual relationship with another girl. I’m annoying and not that smart so i sound slow and really easy. I was molested several times at 8 through 9 by my step father and it messed me up. I started having suicide thoughts and dreams around 11 and at 13 i started self harm. At age 15, i tried suicide 2 or 3 times which messed up my whole GPA. Boys still wanted sex from me but i didn’t do anything but i did entertain them. Even though one boy called me “one of his hoes” infront of the class and i cussed him out for it, i still came back to talk to him because my classmates are so conceited and not friendly. Recently i started to give in because this is my junior year and nobody clearly wants me that much and i’m already embarrassed to walk these halls. I started doing as some boys asked and showed my boobs to them, and these were guys that i can trust, not some random boy.
Last night I was playing truth or dare with my guy friend and he dared me to take my shirt off and i dared him to do something silly like running around the room butt ass naked. My mom was listening to me on the other side of my room door. As soon as we hung up, my mom came in and told me. This, being at 2 am, was all kinds of awkward.
I didn’t cry because it’s not like she could think any less of me. If she did, what would change in my life honestly. She said she’s going to tell my dad (and then probably the rest of my family). My life sucks and i don’t know what to do anymore.