Again I find myself coming back to read how others are feeling and share my own feelings. My depression has been with me at least 45 of my 58 years. Possibly even longer. I was twelve when this collection dark, unhappy, sad, and angry feeling became a daily part of my life. Since then every day of my life I have faced these feelings. On good days I could easily bat them into a compartment and be fine. Other days I had to fight them. On the bad days they crippled me. A lot has gone on in my life since, but these feelings have always been a cycle. Over time in facing these bad days my desire was to make them disappear, but I realize that did not seem possible. I would thing they are gone when things cycled to good days, but I always saw the door to that mental compartment as the only barrier holding them back. I never tried to medicate these feelings away with drugs or alcohol, but I found food could provide a temporary reprieve. Well, now I have diabetes, am overweight by a lot, and a host of other health issues. I have figured out one thing over time and that is if I could not make the feelings disappear then maybe I should be the one to disappear, and my suicide wishes were only the means to that.
Recently I have come back to that place wishing to disappear. It’s been this bad before and a couple of those times I have ended up getting myself to the Emergency room which resulted in a few days stay in a psych ward. One of those times I did not take myself there. I woke up to someone dragging me out of the situation and taking me to the ER.
Well, I am at that point now that I either need to go to the ER or figure out an effective plan. I do not want to create drama for those around me ( I have kept how I am feeling from my wife) I just want to disappear…. I am wishing instead of the ER and Psych ward that I could find some sort of hospice if it were available..