Full-alert here, if you are going to try to bash me, insult me, or talk me out of this, please leave this thread. I am not asking for your judgement or opinions. You are not me, you have not lived my life, and so you have no right to decide what I should do with it Second warning, this is a very long post. Please bear with me.
Okay, after getting that point across, I was wondering the certain fatality doses for prescription medications. I am trying to garner as much information from people as possible, so if you know any other websites/forums where I won’t be bashed, please do tell.
Extremely long story short, 22 years old, been suffering from major depressive disorder since I was a little 8 year old girl. Also suffer from severe social and generalized anxiety. Medication barely takes the edge off of these, which is like trying to kill a bear with a Nerf gun.
To top that all off, I have a incurable lifelong chronic pain disorder that every medication I have tried has failed, and I am out of options. I don’t qualify for disability due to some bullshit about not having enough social security hours banked (even though I have been working since I was 14? Idk. ). I also suffer from extreme migraines, bad asthma, and chronic extraordinarily painful joint pain. I can’t walk, sit, lay down, or really do any of those without immense pain. Don’t even try to hug me, I will involuntarily yelp out. In spite of all of this, I look healthy on the outside, which leads to more assumptions and ableist remarks than you could imagine. I am relatively intelligent, but due to a combination of all of the things I listed above, I have barely enough college credits for a year and a half, and financially I have no way of getting back and finishing that.
Speaking of finances, I work in an extremely stressful job, while only part time, exacerbates everything I mentioned. I am extremely close to being evicted – there are no cheaper places around my area and I can’t move back in with family (or to friends, as I really don’t have any). My electricity was on the verge of being shut off a few weeks ago, and just recently my Internet was shut off for a week until I could scrounge up enough to pay half of the bill. I am also in enormous debt, collectors calling me every single day, calling my relatives, etc.
Anyway, as you could probably sumise from all of that, my best option in everyone’s interest is to take my own life. This isn’t a spur of the moment decision – I tried at 13 years old and at 19. When I was 13 I was a dumbass and just took like 12 extra strength Tylenol, though the intent was there. At 19 I took a handful of Savella, a handful of Tramadol, and some antihistamines to avoid throwing up. Unfortunately, I did throw up, and my college roommate found me and called 911 where my stomach was pumped and I was sent to Four Winds (a psychiatric institute in NYS) for a week and a half. My pain, emotionally and of course physically, is getting immensely worse every single day. I am prescribed a few prescription medications, but I can only get a month’s supply at once due to my insurance. I take Tramadol, 50mg (monthly count of 60), Wellbutrin, 300mg (monthly count of 30), Ambien, 5mg (monthly count of 60), and Klonopin, 1mg (monthly count of 90).
I also have an amount of some various pills, as I tend to hoard them when I am discontinued off of it. Why? I don’t know. Anyway, they are as follows: Seven 25mg Lyrica, twenty-four 20mg Citalopram HBR, twenty-seven 7.5mg Meloxicam, twenty-one 5mg Olanzapine, and one-hundred and eighteen 100mg Topamax.
I know that ODing in Klonopin is pretty much impossible, and I know that the opiate amount in 50mg of Tramadol is probably not enough to bring me to opiate overdose levels (plus the more you take at once you get seizures, and I don’t want to have such bad of a seizure that I end up mentally disabled yet still kicking). Wellbutrin I am pretty sure does diddly squat in this regard. I don’t really know about the various pills I have – I’m sure in the right combo that the Topamax *has* to help somewhat, just because the sheer amount. Obviously I could be very wrong, which I why I am asking for advice.
My best bet, I think, is my Ambien and then ingesting a lot of alcohol. However, I don’t know what to take to try to avoid throwing up, as taking Benadryl three years ago did shit. I also hate the taste of alcohol – I have trouble taking a single shot, so the risk of throwing up from that alone is high. How much alcohol would I need to consume with how much Ambien to reach fatal levels? (Not potential fatal, certain fatal). I’m a lightweight and fairly small – female, 5’2, 105 pounds. I figure that probably calculates in somehow.
I also have a small amount of suboxone in my possession, though small as in 2mg, and even less than that makes me puke pretty much every half hour. No tolerance, pretty much. I don’t think that can aid in suicide.
Anyway, I am asking for your advice because I could be wrong about certain drug mixtures, and I would also like to know fatal doses. Google really doesn’t help too much for this. I also want to know the best way to not throw up, as that just ruins it all. Motion/sea-sickness pills maybe? I am really looking for the least painful way – if I could just pass out that would be brilliant. Last warning, trolls will not be appreciated. Nor will “think of your family!” and “you have so much to live for” types of people. I am interested in the cold, hard, facts. I don’t have money, so I can’t exactly buy a gun, and I don’t think I have the sheer willpower to pull that trigger on the very off chance something goes wrong and I end up a vegetable. Jumping off a tall building/bridge wouldn’t work either. ODing has always been the most logical choice for me. Thank you so much for reading and listening to my woes, I know that can ensue eye-rolling. Lastly, if you feel guilty providing any information because you would feel responsible, I am absolving you of all responsibility and guilt. It is only a matter of time I find out some way, and I would prefer it to be an accurate source of information rather than me fucking up big time. Thanks again, and I hope life will be or has been good to you. It hasn’t to me, but everyone should be allowed to choose their own fate.