Does anyone know how to make it work by burning charcoal in a small room?
Thinking about suicide all the time, knowing that it would hurt the people I love…but it’s my life, my irrevocable mistakes I have made, not theirs. Is it better to live a life in which you are bitter from having thrown away a great opportunity (great school for what I thought I wanted to do, basically dropped out)? Life is precious but a life dominated by self-loathing and regret is just so onerous to bear…
I don’t know why I’m posting here, it’s just more of the same self-pity I don’t need. But here goes anyway: I was accepted last year to a one-year grad school program for something I really wanted (and still want) to do, but for various reasons I have effectively dropped out, have a chance to return but it would be part-time I would know no one and get shitty classes. I found a wonderful girl here and have driven her away; on Monday am moving back to my mom’s house, a place where I know I will be bored and evermore depressed. I think about killing myself all the time, like an unremitting dull pressure behind my eyes. The weight of regret for how badly I have fucked up is so intense, it provides a constant answer to the refrain of “think how it will affect your loved ones” etc etc. I know to kill myself would be selfish but I don’t want to live a life scarred by regret, I am already so changed from the funny interested person I used to be, now all I do is think and read and talk about suicide. Oh and I have about $20,000 in student loan debt.