Where to even start.
i have been battling despression most of my life. It started when i was getting physically and verbally abused by my my step dad, my mum was to afraid to step in, so started to cut and have attempted once. I tried to move away, but it always ended up with me going back home where i would be yelled at. Finally i was old enough to live by myself and have been ever since. For a few years now ive actually been doing okay, but now 2017 has gotten off to a very bad start.
i went to go and vist my faimly for christmas, my mum tries to play happy families with everyone and pretends that what happened between me and my step dad didnt happen, but i will always remember what he did to me, i will never forget.
In a way visting them was good it got me away from work and from my boring life. But when i came back to my home thats when things changed, my workplace is HORRIBLE!! The 4 weeks i was away my whole section turned to shit, and i was once again trying to pick up the peices of everyones crap. I work 5 days a week doing 40 hours and thats all my life is. I work, sleep, then repete.
Some nights i come home crying but nobody to comfort me becuase i live alone. I hide my depression and thoughts of suicide under a cloak of anger. I am an angry person, i hate everyone!! But deep down i just want someone to talk to someone to tell me it’ll be okay. I live my life in such a routine that any change i start to panic. So quitting my job isnt an option.
I have a friend at work that ive known for about 3 years, and in that time we have delevoped a very close relationship, so close that ive fallen in love with her. For years i never told her, until just recently i told her.. but it didnt go down very well. We still are close but its not the same as it was. So im back to being alone in this world. Im not coping very well at the moment, and i feel like any minute ill jump off my balcony and hopefully this pain i have will finally go away.
All my life ive just wanted someone to talk.. Someone who will listen but thats hard to come by these days.
Im just done.