I am new here. I attempted suicide about 3 weeks ago, twice in less than 24 hours. The first time I was found by my siblings who got into my house and the second time, I was found by the police. I ended up in the hospital unconscious for two days and spent a further day in a ward with old people, who were bed ridden. I was under constant observation, not even able to go to the toilet unattended. As a psychology student, it was one of the most degrading and humiliating experiences of my life. I felt so ashamed facing my family after that and everyone was so shocked because they thought I was so together and strong. I myself could not understand my actions and was unable to give anyone answers. Slowly over the last 3 weeks I have realised that my partner of 6 years and father of my child, was a narcissist who reveled in my pain and anguish. He had been telling me I was mentally unstable for years, to the point where it became true. I realised that he has been the worst thing that ever happened to me and even though our relationship ended almost 3 months ago and he moved on to a new partner within a week, he is still trying to make my life hell. He heard about my hospitalisation and his family, friends and girlfriend have been posting about it online and making fun of me ‘having voices in my head’. It really hurts to know someone I once loved would not only share this information with others, but post about it in public forums and make fun of me. I am the mother of his child after all, who I have raised basically on my own since he was born. I am reeling from the way people have turned on me almost over night and I am so confused as to what I have done to deserve this. I was mentally stable and well, a high achiever you could say once. Now I am broken, joyless and unable to find any relief from the pain that my life gives me.
Every where I look, there are constant reminders of what has been taken from me and it is like a knife to the heart every time. I wish for death, but I am so afraid to try and fail yet again. I do not want to end up on a psychiatric ward, or back in the hospital and face a life without my son. I am struggling not to believe the things my ex partner is saying about me, but it is so hard. If I am not evil, if I am not poisonous and if I am not agressive, why am I alone and he is not? Why am I hurting and broken, when he is not? Why do I want to die and he seems so happy and in love with his new girlfriend?
He has done many things that are terrible. He has threatened to kill a friend of mine by stabbing them in the neck 4 months ago. He used to beat my dog, who now suffers anxiety. He shouted in our sons face at 4 days of age to “shut the f#ck up”. He raged against me when I did anything he disliked. He was never there for his son, or put him first. He withheld access to any money while we were living together, so I was completely dependant on him. When I left he refused to provide any financial support for 4 months until I forced him through the child support agency. And yet, I still believe somehow I deserved all of this because I am inherently bad. I feel like the people who say I am good and love me, do not know the real me.
I keep wishing for a way out. I do not know what to do.