Performance anxiety… I have a presentation for school coming up, it’s on PTSD and I am comfortable with that topic but I am terrified about speaking in front of my classmates. College sucks, for real. It is not like speaking for work when I do that in public, though that terrifies me as well. I need tips. I have suicide as my out constantly but what the hell! Why should I let a stupid presentation kill me. Shouldn’t something romantic kill me? Anyways, I am really impulsive and I keep envisioning my car racing headlong into a tree the night of this presentation… I am scared $h!tless. HELP!
I can’t sleep again, had to wash down another thorazine. I want to paint the walls red but I know it will get me nowhere but scarred for life however long that spark may live on. I am ruminating on my panic attack earlier this week right in the middle of class, the professor sent me home “sick”, I almost jumped off the roof… But I know better (been there, done that). I don’t want to die really, I just want to be free of turmoil and strife. What happens when we die, what do you think? Are we doomed to repeat this miserable life over again until we get it right? Do we burn in a fiery pit of tar and lava? Do we transcend to better and bigger places or dreams? Or nothing?
I turned 31. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
Peer run – people like you and me, talk safe. Â Give it a try the one in my city is great.
I want to cut, I want to cut, cut, cut, cut, blood, drip, drop, razor, sharp, blade – My therapist needs to be on call right now, and he needs to stop being a prick. Â Anyways, you probably think I am another whiney teenager… Â Nope I am a bitchy 30 year old nasty **** whore. Â I keep thinking the best way to rid the world of my filth is to jump off that bridge. Â BUT I have done that once and survived injured but alive and pissed off. Â I could just use some words of wisdom or hilarious stupidity right now. Â THANK YOU
I am 29 years old and two and half years ago I got a surgical implant called VNS. Â The depression I had struggled with for 12 years, just left. Â Two weeks ago I found out that the man (my uncle) who molested me as a child from age 13 and under is going to the same community college I have been going to and is graduating on June 1st, the same day I was going to graduate. Â I will not be attending that graduation ceremony. Â He has been asked to sing at the commencement ceremony as well. Â These past two weeks I have struggled so hard to just NOT take that jump. Â Years ago I was using drugs, looked for help and was sent away, I jumped off a bridge then. Â I was seriously injured. Â I realize that my multiple suicide attempts throughout my life make me “high risk”. Â I don’t want to go to the hospital, I want to finish my last 3 classes required for my associates in science degree that I have worked my @$$ off for. Â So I realize this is just PTSD… Â Just… Â I know of three things I want to do “plan”-wise. Â I have done my research and I know that I must be thorough this time around. Â I just don’t know if I want to kill him first or just keep the lovin to myself. Â I don’t have a date. Â I won’t have a date. Â Until then I have a few things I need to do. Â I guess I will have to wake up to the sound of my own crying for a short while more. Â I have strong survival instincts, I want people to give me reasons not to, I want to feel like I am not a worthless piece of $h!t that nobody cares if they get molested and raped. Â This is a cry for help, this is my scream in the night. Â I hate myself, I am just another dirty victim. Â I can’t turn it off. Â I need help, but I don’t trust anyone. Â I am so sorry.