So I drank some vodka popped like 3 barbiturate pills and snorted as much heroin as I could manage before passing out and I still managed to death rattle 4 fucking hours to be “saved” by my mom. Fuck my life. This is like 4 times failing to die overdosing on heroin. Yes it’s definitely heroin as I found out in the 2 weeks of being restrained first at the hospital and then at the mental loony bin that was worse than jail. If I had known it was this hard to die from heroin I would have been a lot less carful in the past. Fucking government propaganda. I guess all these deaths are people seriously trying to reach Oblivion. I clearly don’t want it bad enough. I guess number 5 is going to take being truely extra. I thought that was going to be enough i mean fuck I made sure I had no tolerance by laying off for weeks. Most embarrassing demeaning shit. Either I’m imortal, I’m in hell aready and there’s nowhere to go, or it’s just not possible to od and die snorting it. I’m going to have to get a needle to really make sure. How does anyone die from this shit? I did like 4 times more than would be required even to a acheive Oblivion and be asleep…Found out at the hospital the reason for all my pain..3 herniated discs. Now I know I’ll always be in extreme pain just makes me want to die that much more.
God dammit. I feel like the worlds biggest failure. Can’t even overdose on heroin properly. Got a half gram with my last 40 dollars and snorted like half of it over a day or so. Then when I finally worked up the courage or a case of the fuck it’s or whatever I of course didn’t get the needle like I knew I would need. Snorted the rest in a huge stupid ass line I was sure would work. Guess it’s going to take more than that. All I remember is snorting it. Laying down and then I was half blacking out stumbling around the house running into my useless unloving parents trying to say that I was just super dehydrated and shit. I don’t even remember laying back down but I do remember them checking my eyes and telling me to sit on a chair they put in the hallway and filling up a glass of water a couple times. Fucking woke up the next morning out of dope and still alive. Idk guess I gotta go pawn something or rob the dope man. Idk. Fucking ridiculous. Next time I’m getting like 2 grams and eating one and snorting the rest. Still gotta say fuck needles but then again maybe it’s worth it for that final euphoric buzz and to just make sure. I hate booze so I’m not mixing it. Got some Xanax and barbiturates. Just need the h. Clearly overdosing on h is harder than you would think and that was with like no opiate tolerance. Guess I’m too big for that. Least I get decent dope. It’s pretty raw and euphoric. That fentanyl shit you get west side of Chicago gives you the nods but not the euphoric buzz. I’m just sick of failed attempts. This is like the 3rd time Ive basically had overdose symptoms and haven’t died. I know why I keep failing. I don’t want to waste any dope. Couple days of erupic buzz to work up and then blow the last of it but I’m pinching penny. What do I care if I do 3x what I need to fucking die. I’ll be dead. Not like it’s going to waste. It’s a worthy cause. Here’s to magic number 4.. hehe number 4 heroin now there’s irony. Maybe that’s what was missing a truly ironic death.
Goodbye cruel world. I can’t keep doing this shit. I tried to clean up my life. Got off drugs and such. Interviewed hard and had a sweet job lined up. 50k a year lots of benefits and now I find out that I somehow failed the drug test for the job despite not smoking any weed for 4 entire weeks. Somehow it was positive for weed. So no job. No gas. No hope left. I would have been lucky to get to work starting Monday and not run out of gas before the first paycheck. I have 40 dollars left. That might be just enough to off myself. I’ll be able to get some heroin and I guess I’ll need to get a needle cause if I snort that much I might not die. I fucking hate needles. I guess it won’t matter anymore. This will be the final dance with the devil. Maybe I should go to the top of a parking garage and shoot it while standing on the ledge. Then when I fall it will be certain and I’ll get to ruin someone’s happy day when I fall right in front of them. I hate you dad… You are the only reason I don’t want to pick myself back up again. I’m done with your criticism. I told you this would happen if you kept being a negative fuck all the time. Sorry mom. Maybe if you had listened to what I had to say when I was alive you wouldn’t have to bury me. Guess it’s still not your problem. Everyone else… You never deserved my kindness and selflessness. The brakes were always out till the last. Fuck this life. It’s been a shit show that didn’t even entertain me much. Goodbye cruel world!
My story has gotten quite a bit worse since last May and my last post. Still on felony probation. I managed to fail upward and drop dirty for weed on another like 5 tests in the last year. Got a PTR for it. Been fighting that since December. The judge was actually a sorta decent human being and told me to stop getting high and he would let me complete my probation. Asking me to stop getting high is like asking me to stop breathing. So I quit weed and started snorting dope. Heroin… I got in a car accident a while back so I got a Vicodin script. It’s fucking hilarious. They are so proud of me for not smoking weed. I’ve shown them 2 “good” tests now weed free and when it says I come up for opiates it’s all good cause the doctor gave me a script…only 12 5mg pills but that’s 12 excuses “as needed for pain” good for a whole year. I got my paper shield to tell them to piss off. What most people don’t realize is that Heroin can only be detected as different from other opiates for 12-18 hours after last use. If I know or think I’m going to have to go for a test all I have to do is not do dope the day of or I can make poppy-seed tea. I was supposed to be done with probation on February 16th. I didn’t get all my community service hours done 78 out of 200 done and I been doing this sober living class for 100 hours credit. I’m living in a different county than this case so of course the class I graduated from in my county when I go to court last time the other county person that supervises me is like oh that class isn’t compatible how many more months do you need to do another 122 hours and I’m like wtf are you talking about. I was told this was an equivalent program. Turns out the prosecutor is actually a semi decent person too seeing as I’m being such a good boy. He was like no-no he’s supposed to get credit and wrote up a court order to get me credit for 100 hours. I went to that class high as a kite on heroin almost every time. It’s ironic that I’ve kicked my “weed addiction” by using heroin.
I broke up with my girlfriend a couple of weeks ago because she was selfish as fuck and judgemental. We argued about the same thing we argue about every 3-4 months for the last 5 years. She says she can’t be with someone who does drugs and that she can’t be around it. I told her as soon as I’m done with probation I’m going to start using weed again every day. She made me choose her or drugs so I obviously choose drugs. Drugs make me feel good and she makes me feel bad. Easy choice. I said this isn’t like it’s news I’ve been telling her forever that I use weed and will continue to do so. I haven’t told anyone about the heroin. It’s a dirty shameful addiction and of course nobody that hasn’t done dope really understands. I guess curiosity killed the cat. After many times watching people do and being offered more than once and clearly because the dope fiends wanted me to be more inclined to giving them a ride for the shit I tried it anyway. I’ve been chipping it for 6 months now. I can’t afford a daily habit even if I wanted to but I know how shitty it is to go cold turkey. Worst flu I’ve ever had and knowing you can make it better in a flash is even worse. Heroin is the most addictive thing I’ve ever tried. I don’t smoke cigs so I can’t compare it.
I’m so sick of being used by everyone I’ve ever met. I let my girlfriend abuse me for years. I was just her sex object. She would use me for her pleasure and leave me sexually frustrated as soon as she got hers… She was a whore for attention. Good bad didn’t seem to matter to her. She constantly asked me if I thought she was fat (she runs marathons) or if she was pretty. She understood me I guess and that’s why I didn’t leave her before. She could be a complete sweetheart and at other times be a cold heartless ***** to protect herself from rejection or whatever. The longer we were together the more she seemed to think she could use me as her emotional punching bag. I never responded to that in a positive way. If she was abusive to me I would ignore her for days or whatever till she apologized. I cut her off of the attention she wanted by throwing these tantrums. I guess I’ve grown and she just stayed the same or even went backward.
I guess what really hurts is that I loved her more than she loved me. I accepted her for who she was and she gave me ultimatums. That never ends in me doing what someone wants. I just can’t live with letting someone run my life.
I wish I was dead. It’s all I think about. The closer I get to putting my life back on track the more I try to fuck it up and the more I want to just give up. I’m so tired. I’m tired of being a decent person to everyone I meet and that kindness and generosity being mistaken for weakness. My heart just isnt into being an asshole. People keep trying to take advantage.
Its been a while since ive been on here. I was feeling more positive for a while then it all went to shit. There is something really wrong with me. I subatage my life on purpose. Maybe im looking for rock bottom. Since the last time i posted i took a little trip back to jail. My dad likes to call it summer camp in polite conversation. Lol. I was fighting a serious charge for class x home invasion in illinois which gives you 6-30 years in jail. Last time i couldn’t tell the truth. Not when what i wanted to say could have been seen by the cops. Anyway took a shitty deal. So guess what yep. I did it. I home invaded this piece of shit former friend. He robbed me 4 grand and 3 months later i go to confront the shit and he wont even open his door. I didnt plan on doing what i did. It pissed me off so much the coward wouldnt even come out. He steals my 4 grand and goes and buys fucking coke. Before i even thought about it i had kicked his door down and was punching him in the face again and again. The satisfaction of beating his ass just has no compare. Better than sex. I broke my hand on his face. It was all worth it. If i had it to do over id probably kill the worthless piece of shit. Treat somebody as a friend for over 5 years and they do that shit and laugh at you. Damn straight. Anyway went to jail after he called the cops. That was shitty. Get bailed out and they didnt have shit for evidence just this dicks story. Anyway was out for about year and 3 months fighting it. They revoked my bond cause i was smokin weed. Just cant stop myself. Its the only thing that makes me not wish i was dead. So they sent me back. Got totally fucked over in jail. They tossed me in the hole for a month spent 3 more there so like 4 months total in jail. How sad is this i actually liked the seg better than regular jail. Regular jail has lots of stupid rules and guards that fuck with your mind for fun. In seg they basically let you do whatever you want. Feel like banging on your door all day and night ? Go for it. Want to sing loudly ? Go for it. Never get out of bed to clean up your cell? Sure. Lol what are they going to do put you in jail? It was like being a monkey in the cage. Set off the sprinkler 5 times a day and flood the pod? Why not. There was something honest about it. It wasnt the mind fuck of regular jail. No hope. Thats whats great about seg. No hope. I went on hunger strike and demanded steak every day. Didnt eat for 14 days straight. Then i stopped drinking too. Why? No clean cloths. Yep they took my cloths. Left me with one pair for 8 days. Plus no showers. Started eating again. My teeth were starting to get loose and hurt like hell plus nails were peeling back. They were totally going to just let me die. I settled for a shit deal. Well not that shit. Plead guilty to criminal damage to property and get second chance felony probation. 2 years 200 hours community service.then it all gets wiped like it never happened. Hows that for justice. I bust into a dudes house beat his ass in front of his girlfriend and she comes at me with a maglight flashlight and i grabbed that from her and beat his face a good couple times with that too. He deserved it but still. They let me walk on that kind of shit ? Its all about the money. They want their fucking money there was about 3000 in fines and bla bla. Took that out of the bond plus 10%. So 4000 bucks. Ive been out since feb 17th couldnt take seg. They broke my soul in there. I thought i could do this. I cant i hate my life. Im not even a person anymore. Ive been smoking weed. Pretty stupid right. They can violate me now and sentence me to 1-3 yearz jail and perm felony. Im a second class citizen. I have to go see this dick every month. They havent tested me yet but im pretty much screwed. I have to go in on june 1st. I only lucked out last month cause there was a stand in guy and the month before he wanted to test me but forgot at the end. I just wish i was dead. Without smoking weed i just cant manage my depression. Its the only thing that makes me not wish i was dead all the time. Damned if i do and damned if i dont. Ive gained a bunch of weight stress eating. Feel like total shit. If i had to go back to that hell hole i think ill have to kill myself. Its just not any form of living i want to be around for. Its existing. Thats what this 2 year probation is. Felon so basically unemployable. Totally broke. Food stamps medicaid and free gov cellphone. Theres just like nothing worth living for. I cant wrap my head around the reckless hate in the world. Maybe thats why i fuck myslef like this. I just cant accept them running my life. Fuck their casino. You cant fire someone that already quit. I gave up a long time ago before my life really was total shit. Now that it is im too ***** to do it. Should have done it years ago. Hows that for lifes biggest regret: wish i had committed suicide years ago.
Not being sexist but most men want a women that is slightly beneath them and I think relationships that have a clear order work best. Women follow and men are leaders. I suggest finding a man that is slightly above your own status, smarter than you by a hair, and respects you. You will get bored with a man that doesn’t keep you on your toes. I think it’s very important for a woman to have a strong man. All the miserable women Ive ever met were dominant over their man. A man that doesn’t have his balls isn’t a man. If you think he’s smarter and charming and a provider its always best. If your man is beneath you and you think you can get a better model that provides more or satisfies your needs it doesn’t work. Women as a rule lose respect for men they see as weak. The number one quality men look for in a long term mate is loyalty. Makes sense right? Why would a man want to spend his time money and resources caring for a women and the children they make together if he thinks she will leave? A happy women makes a happy man. Men are much easier to please. We just have a shorter list of needs. Why does the mating dance work this way just turn to nature. A woman that feels like she is below her man must invest and chase and is happy because she feels like she has a real catch a challenge. A woman above her man chases nothing loses interest and becomes cold and unhappy because she is unchallenged and her man becomes weak by submitting to her and unattractive. As long as you feel like you got better than your status allows you are happy.
The minute it flips you are unhappy. This is of course generalalites but by and large the rule. There are exceptions. Some men like dominate women and overweight ones too. But most men instinctively go for a women close to their status and attractive body wise. I’m all for women being equal. I think women can do almost any job a man could do except ones that require male strength. Focusing on being more masculine tho might be great for your career but generally is bad for dating. Pre 1960 to the beginning of time and still outside the western world women get this. The more masculine you become the less success and happiness you will have with relations. Men and women are differnt. We like to think of ourselves as being above animals yet our lives are ruled by the only meaning of life which is to reproduce. Men are trying to get sex and spreading genes. Women are trying to get commitment and status in case of pregnancy. It’s not men that call women sluts its other women primarily. Men like easy sex. For a partner tho they view it as bad because it increases the odds of her cheating and using limited resources on potential other men’s children. The amount of commitment a women can get for her sexual favor is lowered by other women giving it away cheaply. Thus women try to maintain their image as having few or no partners and shame the ones that do. Modern western society is a direct contradiction of evolutionary needs and thus the high divorce rate. Women today being sexually liberated and having more sex without having to raise a child because of birth control etc has in fact lowered the level of commitment women as a whole are able to get. High price of sex in the market makes for stronger more stable relationships where both parties stand to lose a lot. For men that being sex and positive reinforcement by his woman and for woman getting a higher price in commitment ie security emotinallly and financially. One would think everybody having more sex should make everybody happier but its the exact opposite as a whole. Divorce is over 50%
In conclusion abundant sex in society actually makes people less happy and probably results in more suicides. Hell does exist and you dont have to die to visit 😉 comments ?
So I went to my psychiatrist last Thursday. Got a new script for vyvanse 50mg and a refill on my ativan 1mg 3 times a day. And he doubled my wellbutrin which seems to be working. Idk anyway first time taking a prescribed stimulant and fuck the vyvanse is strong. I couldn’t get it till Friday because of insurance crap needing pre auth. Anyway so I ate breakfast on Thursday skipped lunch and turned in early with no dinner. Finally got the vyvanse and took one at like 2 o’clock cause wanted to see how it was. That kept me up till like 5 am. I had gone to the casino boat on Friday after grabbing my med in the morning . I lost my full bottle of ativan at the casino. Went back Saturday morning to get it when they said they found it. Got it from security desk and went gambling for an hour or so. I had taken a second vyvanse early Saturday so I wouldn’t pass out figuring I could crash sunday. Anyway they had free valet parking so I figured why not right. I took an ativan when I went in just grabbing one out of the bottle. As I was waiting for the valet to come back I opened my bottle of ativan. 90. I had taken 1 the day I got it and 1 the morning I picked it up from security desk. So should have been 88 left. Seemed like less than a full bottle so I counted them right then and there turns out there was 49 pills in a bottle that should have 88. So I go complain back at the security desk asking who turned them in. They said call the cops they can help so I did. This ***** cop shows up and starts giving me the third degree. Asking times and I was like idk you can check the tapes they have camera everywhere at the casino. I said I think whoever found my pills stole them. She starts asking me if I sold some or gave my friends some. I’m like I don’t like you implying I’m involved in felony drug dealing. She goes and checks the tapes. Comes back and asks me if I want to change my story I say no why. Apparently I dropped them walking in out of my pocket when I grabbed for my wallet and some guy grabbed them and walked straight to the security desk with them so he didn’t steal them. This ***** gives me like the 3rd degree about my hazy time line and story about missing pills and keeps asking if I sold them. She like you didn’t mention going to the parking lot over there. Did you sell them there. Fuck no. I couldn’t remember then I was like oh yeah I went to dunkin donuts and came back to the casino right away and paid with my debit card. She’s like are you sure we can check those tapes too. All the while I’m a little disoriented and confused and can’t remember the order of things well. Cause I’ve been up since Thursday and its Saturday about 12. She threatened me with felony false police report or some shit and was like we can take this to court or you can help the drug task force catch dealers and I’m just like wtf I called you people to help. Idk what happened to my script. I think I would remember spilling almost 40 pills. Basically just kept saying I have no idea what happened I didn’t sell shit. Finally they dropped the crap after like an hour of me just repeating and not copping to their imagined bullshit. Asking me about my drug problem and how many extra did I take bla bla now that I’ve had time to think I had gone to the casino twice the day I lost them and left the new pills in my glove box. The valet had to have stolen them before I came in again and dropped them. I had just grabbed them the second time to bring in when I did drop them. It’s the only logic I’ve got cause even if I spilled 40 odd pills I would have found at least one somewhere and I looked everywhere. Long story short I wasn’t feeling to good Sunday morning. I guess that tends to happen when you haven’t eaten or slept since Thursday morning and its Sunday. Vyvanse are a hell of a drug. It suppressed my appetite so much I forgot to eat for 4 days. I just kept thinking I’ll eat later. I swear it’s got the feeling you get when you will be hungry in like 2 hours when I smelled food and when I didnt have any food to smell I felt perfectly content not full but not hungry. Like I had just had a filling lunch 2 hours ago but not bloated or full feeling just not hungry. So yeah either the valet stole the pills or I was just so out of it from not eating for 2 full days when they were asking me shit and I really don’t remember doing something with 40 pills. Idk I’m inclined to think I would remember doing something with so many pills. After they gave up trying to get me to cop to their imagined drug dealing at the dunkin donuts or some shit they told me to tell my doctor. I’m scared tho and paranoid. I don’t want my script cut. Really I just started on them last month and they really help my anxiety. I’ll either have to take less than half my normal doses or try and get it replaced. The government blows. You just can’t win. Lose your meds and you are fucked and selling drugs….idk. Ironic how losing my anxiety meds led to way more anxiety than I was dealing with before and I couldn’t take one while the cops were “investigating” I mean interrogating. They don’t do real police work anymore. Fine police work Elgin il ?
If I see somebody on hear talking about killing themselves I of course think about the method. Hm I say wow why would this 15 year old want to take a bottle of tylonol. “That’s awful. Hey don’t use tylonol kid…it just kills your liver and you go thru a week of organ failure regretting your attention seeking shit or really wishing you were dead already. Slow and horrible or quick and painless. Suicide is a choice. It’s the ultimate choice. The only choice you make by and for yourself. I believe in choice. I also believe almost nobody chooses slow and terrible as a real option if they are serious. Serious people choose trains and noose and gun to the head. People that want to be noticed say fuck it I’ll just take this random bottle of pills and Mary can find my cold blue corpse. That will show all of them. Just saying if I was seriously considering which I have I’d like somebody to tell me hey. The train sounds pretty good but don’t do the subway cause half the time you get bounced into the 3rd rail and eletrocuted… Slow and horrible again. Or hey you’ll want a fast one. If the train is doing better than 40mph you have almost a 100% chance of dying and within the first couple minutes and you’ll probably be unconcious. Pick that slow train and damn slow and horrible again. If it’s going slow the average time of death is 15+ minutes and only 80% effective. So when I do say something about a method I think wow they are in so much pain already they probably don’t want slow and horrible….
I LOVE Poppy seeds so I bought 25 pounds with the last of my amazon store credit. It’s just orgasmic. Everybody should try it. 😉 Question who thinks I’m really fucked up?
Its been a while since I thought about suicide. I had a panic the other day tho. I went and got some help in july. Went to this psychiatrist and got some ativan for anxiety and he gave me welbutrin for depression. I told him I didn’t feel depressed anymore. Just normal sadness ocassionionly. Lots of anxiety but not the suicidal solution that used to be right there just last year. Idk. I don’t think I’m depressed. The welbutrin doesn’t do shit as far as I can tell and this is like 2 and a half weeks in. I think I have add. I can’t focus for shit on anything and finishing stuff has always been hard. Supposedly the welbutrin is supposed to help with my focus. I’m bitching next time tho. I need like adderal. Ive had some before on the DL and I feel like a low dose would be perfect and allow me to function as an adult. As a kid I think being smart helped me compensate enough but as an adult shits just falling through the cracks. I’m bankrupt. Just defaulted on every bill monday. It’s freeing to a degree. I’ll file bankruptcy soon. I just left my girlfriend of 3 years. She’s such a flake. I only saw how selfish she really is recently. She has a lot of her own fucked issues and one of them is an obsession with financial security. I lost a job recently when the checks started bouncing. I feel like I could have saved my finances if I could only focus more. Now it’s too late. 5 years of perfect payments down the tubes. Idk anyway. She was asking me shit like are you going to get a job and go back to school and bla bla. Making it sound like the moment I don’t have money she would leave me. If my success stuttered. So I said be loyal or fuck off. I’m not worrying about being left at the bus stop because we hit a ruff patch. Of course I’m not going to just be a deadbeat living off her. She wants somebody to take care of her financially. I’m no bank account. Confused. Either you are all in or all out. I loved her but she doesn’t have the guts for the better or worse part of marriage. Idk it hurts so much. I wanted to marry her. Boys like girls and girls like cars and money I guess. Idk who left who her or me. I thought about killing myself as I drove home from the casino. I had bet all my bill money for the month. Double or nothing. I lost. It’s irrelevant I was going to have to default anyway. It was a last ditch effort. I wanted to just crash the car. I did like 85 thru 45mph zones. Then called a bankruptcy lawyer and calmed down. Fuck the bills. 35 thousand in unsecured debt. I’ll just keep paying my car note and fuck the rest. It’s only 120 a month. Popped a double ataivan. Cried the rest of the way home. I can’t believe the person I considered the love of my life is so selfish. It hurts a lot. It’s so disappointing. It’s hard not to blame myself for her being a selfish money gruber. I don’t want to die like I did last year. I really just wished I was dead all the time. Now I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing in the last couple years. Dating wise I’m lonely and sexually frustrated as hell as well as disappointed in someone I loved more than air. No job now. Just got a turndown from my last interview. Idk life’s just really shitty right now. I wish I could just find a cute girl that would kiss me like I was the best thing since sliced bread. Girls like that don’t exist tho. To just come out of the woodwork and make you feel wanted maybe even sexy when you feel like shit. Woman are attracted to perceived success and confidence. I just don’t have much confidence in anything right now. I wish getting a sympathy fuck that isn’t cheap was actually possible. Idk what do you all think ?
Family & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NoteStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
I’m out on 100,000 dollar bail right now. I’m facing a home invasion charge in Illinois which is a class x felony. The punishment if convicted is a minimum 6 to 30 years in the department of corrections. I am facing a death sentence. These alleged charges are total bullshit but regardless of the outcome I will come out the other side 10,000 dollars in debt from lawyers. I am 22 years old. For all intents and purposes This situation is going to cost me 6-30 years of my life. The courts are a mockery of justice in illinois. they are courts of conviction not justice. I was very close to killing myself in the lake county jail before i got bailed out. I was ready to give up. I started every day in my cell staring at the wall and fantasizing about my death. I was waffling between using the too small to cover your body sheet to make a noose for a leap from the second story balcony, to taking a swan dive from balcony head first into the concrete. for the 3 hours between the “breakfast” they served to when they let me out into the day room for 5 or less hours a day I battled the very serious thoughts of killing myself. I didn’t eat for literally October 10th till the 31st when i got bailed out. Bail is a joke too. they let out multiple convicted violent felons out on the lowest bonds you’ve seen. they shook down my family because i don’t live in the ghetto. they don’t decide bail on the merits of the case the prosecutor presents the “facts” of the case not the allegations. one could argue that I had nothing in there. I entered jail $20,000 dollars in credit card debt, no job(quit a job i hated more than anything in june) no true friends and basically losing anything ive ever worked for. the only thing that kept me from killing myself in there was my loving girlfriend jenny taking my phone calls from jail and supporting me. of my mother talking on the phone and writing me. It’s when you have nothing that you find who the true friends are. I wanted to give up and if I didn’t have the love from my parents and girlfriend i would have. I’m on 24/7 pretrial lockdown at my house. my mom got 5000 bucks together and borrowed another 5000 from my uncle to bail me out of jail. 10% of 100k. that money is gone. the courts just steal it. anyway now im out of jail. I can leave my home for work which i can do part time for my uncles sign business. he gave me a job partially to pay him back and court and meetings with my lawyer. Do you think I have anything to live for? Not really. I have 10000 in bail money to pay back 20000 in personal debt another 10000 in lawyer debt. the transmission on my car just shit out. ill have to file bankruptcy and ruin my 5 years of perfect credit history. ive never missed a payment. I had to have surgury on my hand because i was denied medical attention in there and my broken finger healed all wrong. ill still probably never have full use of my hand. another 3000 for that. If i beat this bs case im 43,000+ dollars in the hole and i have a highschool education. I can expect to pay for this shit till im 30 at least and then start from square zero. ill never retire and god forbid im convicted of a felony in the kangaroo court ill then have to work mcdonalds the rest of my life. I have nothing………..except the love of my life. a girl that loves and accepts me for me no matter what they say i did. a girl that doesn’t leave me just because im broke and in legal trouble. a girl that takes my phone calls from jail. a girl that stays with me as her parents tell her daily that im just a criminal loser that will just use her. of course he wants to talk to you they say. what else is he supposed to do in jail? a girl that stays by your side is all that a man ever needs to motivate himself for the future. be there for your man. if you love him unconditionally like my jenny does than tell him. listen to him. hear his problems. you don’t have to fix them. don’t tell him to talk to a therapist. he wants to talk to you. he needs you. he tells you because you are his world. The only thing a man needs to motivate himself is the unconditional love and support of his woman. just being there to listen and empathize is all he needs really. I still battle the demons of suicide. im facing a death sentence of hell on earth for 6-30 years. I won’t go back to that hell hole. if i ever do im taking a stroll across the line on a sunny day and they will shoot me dead but in the mean time my girlfriend being there for me and visiting me at my house on lockdown and providing a chance a the only future ive ever wanted is enough to keep me from doing it. talk about the future you want to have with him. talk to him about how youll miss him. he needs you. every sucidal person has one foot in the grave. ending the pain is easy if you don’t have the other one planted in life. the firmer the foot in life the better his chance of becoming strong enough to put the other foot back in life. the man with 1 foot in the grave and the other on the edge of the bridge is a goner. you need to make him feel alive. make the future a possibility again worth living for. I want children with my jenny. i want to be the one to make her smile and that will be enough to keep me alive for a long time to come. don’t be afraid to talk about it. youll regret not talking the rest of your life. true healing is talking with the ones you really love not a stranger. he needs you not someone else to pull him off the metaphorical bridge
2 Tuesdays ago I accidently bet 33 black and won. I was playing bitcoin roulette. I thought I was betting odd. It won a near max bet and I won 1500 worth. I proceeded to gamble that into 10,000 dollars over the last weeks. I have won about 17,000 dollars profit worth of bitcoin this year. I was able to pay many debts. My girlfriend told me I’m a part of her. It means the world to me. I wish I was dead. I wish I was dead. I’m basically broke. I was in all kinds of debt. Now I’m just broke. I wish I was dead. I’m in a better position now than I have been physically emotionally and financially and I’ve never wished I was dead more. What is wrong with me. Why can’t I be happy ? Why can’t I want to live. Why? I wish people didn’t do the selfish stupid thing every time. Its what really kills me when I play the fool again. I disappoint myself continuing to get played on some level or another. I’m just sick of humanity. My biggest problem is I’ve always given more consideration than anyone really deserves. I cared too much. As long as you care about people they can hurt you. They will too. For convenience or maybe personal gain or indifference. Petty anger. Maybe something more serious. No one has conviction anymore. Mostly. I still feel like I’m hanging from a thread. The thread is very thing. More easily cut and broken now. Financial obligations covered emotional reassurances. Not such a ugly corpse anymore. Living in general is mostly shit. Good luck. You’ll need it.
It’s Â almost to a point where I wish I was dead just to end the nothing. The deadness inside. So much pain. Pain is all thats left. Pain and more pain. I cling to the pain like a life raft. I’ve shut out to feeling anything else. Its like being colorblind. More like LSD. Pain is like LSD. The colors are brighter more vibrant when tinged in LSD or pain. Every other feeling is like normalcy. It feels dull. The world just isn’t as vibrant. Happiness doesn’t feel as happy. Its tinged. It feels like the difference between color TV and black and white. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen the world in color. Since I’ve felt anything in color. The only show on In color is pain. Pain is the only chance I get to feel anything anymore. I know why people cut kinda. Its to feel something. I don’t think I can stand only seeing pain in color anymore. It can’t be the only thing to feel. To live for. I think it’s a permanent condition now tho. Is that a good enough reason to leave this world? Its a ringing in my head that just won’t go away.
Just wondering if anyone here would miss me at all if I offed myself. I come here to vent and wallow. Really I probably come off as an asshole. I see a lot of people here posting saying they care about people here. Idk if I can believe that. We are just words behind a keyboard. You don’t know me. We have never met and probably never will. Why ? How do you vet attached to words on a screen?
The only thing that keeps me living is knowing that at any moment I can choose plan B. I would go Â crazy otherwise. I’ll eventually do it anyway. You can’t fire me. I can quit. Why stay at a job you hate. I think its funny when people say don’t kill yourself. You will go to hell. Don’t you want to go to heaven? Lmfao. I know there is a hell and you don’t have to die to visit it either. It’s not that I want to die. Just wish I didnt have to be around another minute to suffer through it more. I don’t live. I exist from one rolling tragedy to the next. I’ve been hurt so much I’m numb to all but pain. In a sick way I cling on to it because that is all there is. The other option is to feel nothing at all. To be numb to withdraw and have the thousand yard stare. I guess I understand cutting. Â I don’t need a knife. My mind has a sharpened sword and I am the cutting block. The only thing that makes me smile is the thought of being dead. The preassure of my everyday life is too much. The breaks are always sticky to the end. Here comes my stop. FML. I’m tired. Â This is where I get off. Is life worth living if every day is just more pain ? Every day since I started school has been worse than the day before. Every day you talk to me is on the worst day of my life. Guess what I get to look forward to tomorrow? The next worse day of my life. The only decision in life that is entirely your own is to kill yourself. Â To be or not to be… Now that is the question
I’ve never felt less loved. I’ve entered another phase of wanting a violent suicide to spite all the people that didn’t care enough. I can’t decide whether I hate me or everyone else more. 1 year no girlfriend,no sex, nothing. 3 strikes in the dating game. Since the last ex cheated on me. Why bother anymore. I’m a biting dog now. Nobody wants to pet a biting dog. It’s not my fault I got here. No dog just turns into a biting dog. You have to beat it again and again before that happens. I have never seen a dog that didn’t just want a pet and some love.
My friend Sean died from an overdose 2 years ago. He was depressed. He would pop methadone leftover from his dads surgeries/cancer. I came over once and had some weed. He said I’ll give you some pills if you pack a bowl. I said sure. He gave me 10 pills for 5 bucks worth of weed. The pills he gave me go for 10 easy on the street which I found out after he died. I said are you sure? “Yeah yeah I got plenty he says. ” He gave me so many because that was his usual dose. He was popping 6 at a time blacking out and taking more. He overdosed once and went to the hospital after like 15 pills… I tried to get him to cut down… Just 1 pill and I was loaded. I would take half or a quarter of pill and be feeling damn nice. I don’t know if he killed himself or just accidentaly did it. He was over with a couple people playing Xbox about a week before he died and he was passing out in the chair cause he was so high. The real sad part is that when he died I found out when I tried to call him. His mom answered. My first thought was that he was one of the lucky ones. He died in his sleep. Lucky ??? It really hit me then how far my world view had sunk. I was and am suIcidal. I miss sean. Do I think he killed himself? I lean toward yes but he didn’t leave any notes. I felt not like he was in a better place. More like releaved that he wasn’t suffering anymore. It could have been an accident. I’ll never know. The good die young. I was and still am jealous of his death. I just want to die. Sean might have been the only true friend I’ve ever known. He was never selfish
Eventually you realize you might as well stop gambling when the casino is rigged. The dice are loaded. You can only lose so many times… The roulette wheel always lands on zero… Eventually you just got to stop the insanity of it. Why spin again? Eventually I always lose. The house always wins…. Gotta do what any gambling man would do in my position… Raise the stakes…all in…the hand ………….loaded:6
I’ll get lucky eventually Â Â Â John G.
If my life were a video game. I would be playing halo on legendary only to spend 30 minutes trying to beat “the library” 5 levels of nonstop killing and traps up back and front in under 30 only to get killed by the last shit enemy and 1 step and second from the finsh. Round 1000 here we go. Eventually you give up and throw the xbox through your flat screen. Or you kill yourself. I’ll probably just kill myself soon and save all the supense. Why hope. Why try again. The game kinda sucks after a while anyway.
I don’t believe in god or an afterlife. makes me regret all the things i haven’t done yet in life. The finality of it all. Unfortunately the list of problems that require a permanent solution stack up faster and faster. Makes me realize I can’t check out till i put some shit in order first. Well I at least have to try and slow down this crash. The holidays just make it worse. Watching my family this Christmas was like watching an ant hill before you stomp on it. They have no idea…They go about their lives oblivious and “uncaring” Â well more like hopefully bullshitting themselves about the world order and more specifically me. watching them scurry around like ants just trying to put together Christmas. The gift giving this year was hard too. Putting so much effort into picking thoughtful gifts. It might be my last one. The thoughtful gifts I got…I only asked for 1 thing. A poker chip set. I got the poker set but then it hit me how useless it will be. I don’t have anyone to play poker with anymore. No true friends. All my cousins brought their boyfriends with and were cuddling and whispering to each other after dinner. I just felt really jealous. I have no one to bring. It just reminded me of my ex cheating on me. I remember having some of that happiness. Of doing that with my girlfriend. Now when i remember the closeness it’s just warmth followed immediately by a sinking feeling like getting punched in the gut. I have no one to live for. i’m lonely and have only work. I feel like the boot. the ants will have no idea why their world just caved in. I pity them and despise them at the same time for their happiness. I’ve become bitter and antisocial. I don’t say much anymore because it’s mostly mean or people take my depression and pick up on it but think i just have a bad attitude. If choosing to feel better was all it took then I would have felt better a long time ago cause ive been trying real hard for YEARS….