I don’t believe in god or an afterlife. makes me regret all the things i haven’t done yet in life. The finality of it all. Unfortunately the list of problems that require a permanent solution stack up faster and faster. Makes me realize I can’t check out till i put some shit in order first. Well I at least have to try and slow down this crash. The holidays just make it worse. Watching my family this Christmas was like watching an ant hill before you stomp on it. They have no idea…They go about their lives oblivious and “uncaring” Â well more like hopefully bullshitting themselves about the world order and more specifically me. watching them scurry around like ants just trying to put together Christmas. The gift giving this year was hard too. Putting so much effort into picking thoughtful gifts. It might be my last one. The thoughtful gifts I got…I only asked for 1 thing. A poker chip set. I got the poker set but then it hit me how useless it will be. I don’t have anyone to play poker with anymore. No true friends. All my cousins brought their boyfriends with and were cuddling and whispering to each other after dinner. I just felt really jealous. I have no one to bring. It just reminded me of my ex cheating on me. I remember having some of that happiness. Of doing that with my girlfriend. Now when i remember the closeness it’s just warmth followed immediately by a sinking feeling like getting punched in the gut. I have no one to live for. i’m lonely and have only work. I feel like the boot. the ants will have no idea why their world just caved in. I pity them and despise them at the same time for their happiness. I’ve become bitter and antisocial. I don’t say much anymore because it’s mostly mean or people take my depression and pick up on it but think i just have a bad attitude. If choosing to feel better was all it took then I would have felt better a long time ago cause ive been trying real hard for YEARS….
I’ve been fantasizing about my suicide for years. Up until today I just felt a lot of relief and peace from the thought. Now for the first time i feel a little panic and fear about dying. I feel like im hanging from a breaking thread hanging over a cliff it’s been “fun” till Â now well maybe not fun exhilarating maybe like driving too fast. Now my inevitable suicide is close. I wish things had been different. I don’t want to die…suicide is the last resort. This fast drive has been “fun” till now. It’s finally set in just how Â fast the brick wall is coming up and I have no breaks. Â it’s kinda like OH! yeah shit…..
So my boss just screwed me again today. Says no work for 3 weeks. I’ve been working overtime. Why no work. I have no car, no license. I’m unemployable. This shit gig is the only thing to pay the bills and there are lots from my framed dui charge last year. Thinks I have a bad attitude at work…he puts me down all the time. Hes like mr potter and scrooge make a baby every year around Christmas since his son died. I live a mile from work. They all say the same. Came home from working crying. Mom asked what’s wrong…told her. She must have sensed what I was thinking. Told me I can’t kill myself. It would stab her. I’ve been planning my suicide for months. I’m really close… I almost jumped off a bridge after work today. Only reason I didn’t jump was the damn thing wasn’t high enough. Don’t want to drown in ice water. The train looks pretty tempting at this point. I’ve always wanted to go to California though. If I jump off the golden gate 200ft means water is like concrete. The railing is so low and they haven’t put up the suicide net yet. I wish I could make it look like an accident. Maybe if it looks like an accident my mom and dad won’t be so broke up about it.
I always envied and despised stupid people around me. Why do they get to be happy? Why was I always told being smart is a good thing?? It’s not a good thing. Being smart is a curse. The smarter you are the more socially awkward you are. Especially being a smart kid. Stupid kids become stupid adults and they are the ones that get to enjoy the meaningless pleasantries of life. Being smart sucks. The dumbest stupidest assholes have the most friends and screw like damn bunnies. Why can’t I have 500 friends and screw 24/7…. It’s a curse. being smarter than 9/10 people is a curse. It just intimidates them, makes you seem weird or superior. People fear what they don’t understand. What they fear must be ridiculed and marginalized to substantiate their own feelings of self worth. I’m different. most of you are probably different. Stupid people don’t get this depressed. Why would they? They couldn’t see how the world is fucking them if you gave them a map and a flashlight and couldn’t care less anyway. The illogicality of it all. Why would the cow care about the slaughter house next to the field? As far as they are concerned the grass is green and tasty. The cattle prod just an uncomfortable minute distraction from the tasty cud they occupy their lives with. How many dogs have you seen that want to kill themselves? Stupid people are more animals than human. Who wants to be human. Being human just entails a life of disappointment and failed expectations. I wish I could just enjoy the grass. I envy and despise them all at once. Probably why people use heroin. Wish I could just take the slow road out with a needle stuck in both arms. I envy you stupid !!!
I can’t think of a time where i’ve ever been “happy”. I’ve been suicidal for at least 5 years. For at least the last 3 years I fantasize about killing myself every single day. I always wanted to be an astraunaunt. My dream got killed before it could even be chased. There is no future for space. A bunch of rich bastards are destined to quible over the rest of earths resources until we all kill each other over what’s left. I’ve always been pretty smart so it was a hard blow when I really understood that the world isnt fair at all. I think I figured that out when I was 8. I never related to kids my age much. Never had lots of friends. I thought I had some friends. I was wrong. Every single person I’ve ever loved or cared about has eventually betrayed me for their own selfish needs. I’m tired. My best friend that lived next door tossed me under the bus when hurting me was the popular thing to do. I didn’t have any friends for 4 years after that. I decided when going into highschool I would try and make some friends. I found a couple that wanted to spend time with me. The first ditched me for popularity and woman. Again I was thrown under the bus for convenience sake. More recently my latest best friend stopped taking my calls after 5 years of being friends. The party chairs I lent him ended up thrown on my front lawn as a farewell. I was cheated on by the only girl I’ve ever loved. Apparently she was confused enough to sleep with me one weekend and have the “best day ever” all over Facebook with her ex 4 days later. I have no license from a framed drug bust by the facist police. I’m 14,000 dollars in debt and work a shit job at 10 dollars an hour 40 hours a week. You do the math… Between the 7,000 dollar hole from my bs arrest and all the reckless spending I did when I was very serious about killing myself soon after this latest mess. I’ll be lucky to die the other side of broke. I failed 3 college classes after I found out about the cheating. That’s part of the debt at 22.24% mmmmm. I have nothing. I’m so lonely. Everytime I get a little closer to getting out of my hole it magically gets bigger. I’m tired of fighting. I don’t want to die. I just want the pain to stop. I’m a guy in the burning building that jumps. Not because I want to. The prospect of burning alive is the worse option. I wish there was another option. I’m at the end of the rope. Options have been tried. I cry myself to sleep . my family describes me as pissed off and angry. It just makes me want to kill myself more. I wish I had done it years ago. Half of me wants to hurt them as much as I hurt for not seeing or helping and the other half feels guilty about doing it. If my parents were dead I probably would be already as well. I don’t think I can hold out my longer. The percocets or oxy bottle is just an online order away and even my shit job makes me enough to order the pills with bitcoins. I feel a rush. A relief in my suicide. Normal people feel that way about being happy. I’m worried. I never half ass things. If I try to kill myself. I will impulsively think about then go all in on my plan like I’ve got a royal flush. There will be no attempts only success. I don’t want to die. I just want what I’ve always wanted…to be loved back half as much as I’ve loved anyway. A lot of people cared. Just not enough.