I know people will hate me and there is no way out my situation – this is why I can’t see a therapist. I have a “girlfriend”, who was once a fiance. We had a child together and then she immediately got fat – I don’t mean a few pounds, but nearly 200. She also stopped bathing (except once per week), smokes constantly (even though she has high blood pressure). She is absolutely revolting to me. I feel so absolutely ashamed when I am in public with her – I walk a couple feet behind her, etc. I can’t have friends – because of this. I then sometimes feel shame for feeling this way. I cannot leave since I can’t leave my daughter. I also have serious epilepsy and I cannot ever drive again. I have lost 2 jobs because I had seizures in the first 90 days (There is no protection for people like me in Florida). I have no family to go to. It is like being in a very lonely prison all the time. I think about killing myself every day now since things are so hopeless and I can’t go another four years like this. I want to die because of the shame and loneliness. Nothing anyone can say will change the fact that I will never get better and I’m stuck here. Psych drugs interefere with my anti-epileptics (and surely enough, the two psychiatrists I have seen all want me to see a neuro-psych that I cannot afford). It is like the only thing I can do is either take up heavy drinking/smoking weed to numb a lifetime of pain or just hang myself. My eyes are watering now just writing this. I am tired of feeling so helpless, so shameful, and so lonely.