Found a new word today. I’m sure everyone can relate : Urban Dictionary: post-suicidal
When is It ever enough.
My choices in how I progress in education and job career are Concerning to others. “Lazy”? Having a Job is more than enough, paying my own bills is more than enough. An Average Joe I am, Hear me Roar! I save well with my earning’s yet I would agree with others My job is un-challenging and the pay isn’t great. But hey it keep’s me busy and that’s the whole point right? It keeps you sane.
I’m not one with risk taking. How I’ve gotten here was pure luck and being in do or die situations. Forced to change. To be responsible. Taking My life and The surrounding’s around me much more seriously. But not much has changed. My mental state is disturbed with Fantasy’s, Images and Words of Pure Chaos. I’m not intimidating on the outside, As I said I’m a simple Joe. I blend in with the Normal crowd of Society.
But in the Void of my soul. How deep the depth of darkness fall’s is expanding closer and closer to Reality. Going to Die soon.
I’ve lost important social traits. Emotions that are key to expressing the inner heart and soul of one’s self. Isolation has destroyed my hope of finding friends, a lover and being more involved with my family. I don’t know how to feel.. I’m not numb. I’m just not completely aware.
My Grandmother, who I live with and been a caretaker for 6 years is really pushing me to get a better Job. I have an average job that pays minimum wage. Its decent cash and it keeps me somewhat busy yet its not enough for her to back off. Its never good enough, but it is for me. I might just need to tell a 86 year old to back the fuck off or ill paint her bedroom walls Red with myself.
The same situations come up with much worse Anxiety/Stress than before. Pleasing others is all I do. Submissive and weak. I pay bills, and save money, clean credit and work hard with what I can adapted too. Not enough. Nope. Time is what I fear. My head is fogged with plans of buying a gun if it comes to it. I don’t know what I want or need. Deep Breaths…
“Happyness is not bought, its Bargained“.
Said Satan –
Why live poor, when you could be me. A King that Rules all flesh that beats. Take your pick amung the weak, No God can Judge for what, I may speak.
Take my hand and walk with thee, into the forest dark; no soul shall leave. I ask for no land or gold, body nor mind..
No Creation is more delicious than Time.
Share me that and you will receive, all you desire or will ever need.
Didnt really have a point to this or reason. Been into alot of Mythology/Gods and Demons lately. Inspired by Dante. Been working on my own poem of inferno for a side project. Most likely post my drafts later down the road.
I’m not motavated. Glued to a $18,000 a year Job paying $323.00 for my car + gas, ect’ on a $800 2 week check. I’m full time.
Saved enough for my single self. Though I just wanna buy a gun and play with it. Hoping to build courage to pull the trigger. Money is so poisonous to Mankind. It Stalls and cripples the efficiency of the majority of people. It’s a luxury for the privileged. The lucky and Rich..
It’s hard finding the edge on the higher class..
To build a foundation out of nothing..
Helping myself could be lethal to others. Deadly. Dangerous. I could die. And that’s all i think about..
I’ve had a sorethrot and headache for 5 days now. So I went to a Clinic down the road from my house. Easy parking, the office was empty. I asked the lady at the desk if they gave covid testing, witch I already knew because I looked up locations on my phone.
She replied as if it was the first time someone has asked her. “Yes..we do” is it free I asked she say “No. Insurance will cover half, but without its $200”
I bailed immediately. I soon looked deep into looking for spots/locations that did FREE Covid testing. I just figured you know. DUREING A PANDEMIC AND INCOME RESTRAIN it would be FREE?! I live in Arizona so the death toll goes up by the hundreds every week. The news says the resources for testing is unlimited, while its free for the public.
I drove to a closer Clinic and just delt with it. Hopeing it was cheaper. Nope. 130 dollar walk in and 70+ for testing..
Just proves my Theory right MONEY is more valuable than LIFE.
Go fuck yourself, hope everyone dies.
Hypothetically let’s just say that we know 100% that GODS aren’t real and we dont get punished for committing suicide.
My QUESTION is this: Would more people kill themselfs, without grief and guilt if they knew they wouldnt suffer for it later?
I think ALOT of people would. I mean Alot.
What do you think?
I’ve gotten to a point were My progress in life has reached its peak. I’m 25 years old. My education is much below average/mediocre and lost all Confidence to attempt learning anymore. Stuck making 18,000 a year at a job that I hoped would keep my away from noticing, who I am. Just reminds me I couldn’t live even paying for myself in a much below average class.
I’m bored.. lost at sea with no sail. Drifting in no direction. I’m a pushover and get taken advantage by good people.
I dont enjoy sleep like I use to.. because I know I’ll have a high chance of waking up. Continuing to breath this thin Air. Looking into the mirror to only see a stranger.
I’m going to go to the gun range sometime and get comfortable holding and shooting before I buy a hand gun. Then start a draft for my Suicide Note to my family.. soon.soon.soon
What I believe that Man fears most is fighting something he cant see. Less or more terms, standing at the Egde and seeing nothing but Darkness. His mind drift’s far from reality. Without sails. Without hope of finding Trust in himself he can never truly know what He can Become. A best friend, A Respected Worker, Perhaps even A Husband to a Loved one.
The future is hard to ignore and the world wont wait for you. It will always move forward.. Time.. That’s what it is, isn’t it?
Some would Argue that Time doesn’t exist and it’s just an illusion. But to me its realavent. Life and Death shows when something Starts and then immediately Ends. My life on Earth started ‘May 5th 1995. I dont dare project an End Date, tho I do have a deadwish. The thought of suicide ironically I’ve learned, is a way of coping with my inner pain/Delusion. Anyways.
I dont want to make this long. Just food for thought. When we feel uncomfortable with emotions that cover us. That are Angry may define us. Are we seeking opportunity that we can see to use for are advantage, a easy way out or In to reality to finally be that someone?
Or are we afraid we dont have enough Time.
It’s simple and I’ve come to accept that my life is a failure. I agree that not every living body has the ability to play this game. “Living” (game of life)
Mentally and physically the older you get the less you can control. What boosts your chances of having success is adopting early to the challenges we typically face has humans. Being social enough to have friends, learn to speak with strangers. Work hard and bring value to share with your family. Express emotions with the opposite sex to love and protect.
Ive took it all for granted.. didnt bother to learn from my mistakes. Continued to drift and bounce between self damages that are now my beliefs. I’m delusional. I’m scared to face my reality. What’s past my bedroom door. Crying from the intense observations of others. Having a mental break down just looking at others converse and laugh, enjoying themselves with others. I sence the world has past me by.. I just dont know when it happened and how long I have been this way.
I have a family I dont deserve because i dont know how to love.
I hate myself because I dont know how to forgive and forget.
I missed my opportunity… to grow. To be someone, who others wouldn’t mind to think and say something positive about.
I’m Less than Dead.
My name is Brody and I will try to build the courage to kill myself.
I’ve lost near all hope, yet idk what that entity is and why It keeps this flame alive. But when that time comes I’ll know I would be free to do anything without guilt and insecurities.
All i know is that this hope holds me here, chained, while oxygen feeds into my soul. The air feels thin. The weight feels heavier. The people.. those parasites. They refuse to understand that we are barbaric by Nature. Crule and capable of extreme physical and mental dangers to the living. Pretending that Light is bright enough to chase out the darkness. But in this world you cant have good without the bad. And Evil always triumphs. Always has always will. Leading the charge in defining the stain we will continue to leave behind.
It’s been a very long time, though nothing has changed has it?
Wisdom and knowledge is learned only through progressing ones intentions to do so. Its overrated. Why try to be the best person you you can be if everyone is the same. What’s to be gained from hard work other than currency? “Buy the ticket take the Ride”. I refuse to buy the ticket because I know my future. I know the highs and lows, how the game is played and I want no part of it. The “Cake” is a lie. There is no reason to fight to reach oblivion or paradise. Why would i want to extend my existence.
I’ve come so far yet learned nothing.
Took a risk in hope to better my confidence. Failed to understand the simplest of obstacles. Isolated long enough to meet the stranger I see in the mirror, it stands with no emotion. My world is full of confusion, more of the same shit everyday.
My life if you can call it that. The purpose is to evolve and participate in modern society. Work, Love and Raise children. Everyone must contribute. I on the other hand have been left to my own perception, which is dangerous given you need others opinions to know right and wrong, to trust and deflect ideas. Pure loneliness has become my illness. I’m 25. I dont go out. I do everything alone. I save more money and only get to worry about myself, sounds good I guess. But if you cant get comfortable not having the attention from others than you will suffer in your own little world, that being my bedroom.
I don’t know how to live. I’m scared of what’s behind my bedroom door. I’m a slave to the unknown. I miss dating.. to be loved. To be looked at. To kiss and hold.
I’ve practice becoming the monster I fear the most because it’s all that I’ve ever felt..
It’s better to feel pain than to not feel at all.
My demons see this. They can smell how pathetic I am. They dont even bother.
I envy mass shooters. When I say Mass, not talking about 2 or 3 deaths. That’s fucking annoying and where I live my country overreacts when it comes to public shooting.
Despite how sad it maybe to some people the news media loves the coverage keeps them in business.
“Mass” shooters are special in ways that I’m fascinated with. They cross the line of Man made restrictions. (Law/Human morals) they are a perfect representation of what this disgusting Humanity really represents. We are truly barbaric always have, always will.
I see people on news after the shooting and they act all surprised and shocked and just shake my head at them. They dont want to accept that mental illness plays a role. We can’t measure insanity or treat it. Things like this will happen. Taking guns away wont work, adding more cops wont work, you cant stop people from waking up one morning and becoming the next head line.
Always expect the unexpected.
Everyone’s action is unpredictable especially the unexpected.
I lost my youth.
I’m older now, while time eats away my energy soon it will consume my fate.
Life doesn’t teach anything. Only death speaks truth. Brings emotion that’s beyond life itself. I envy the dead. There is no righteousness or reason to abide by morals in this common Society.
Dont do this/dont say that, right and wrong, good and bad.
Let’s not censor the barbaric nature of humanity for it is, who we are. Always have always will. The only way to get you’re point across is to be violent.
Yet words can be just as dangerous, sadly it cant defend you from a AR-15. So be careful what you say to the people you look down upon.
We all play the mythical and mortal role of “God”
I can create and take life.
“Judge not, lest ye be judged”
But you always do. You stare and mock the abnormal. I can feel
The energy. It’s pure hate. You dont know me and yet ive upset you without even looking.
My demons are a great Council of mine but not even they can understand humans.
Natural selection/ survival of the fittest has become a laugh. The king doesn’t stand at the top of the hill. He drowns at sea level with the rest of us. My point is this.
We are all unpredictable especially the unexpected.
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