In so much pain now 🙁
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it’s not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball
can feel it, the time is soon
I’m more focused now then ever before.
I can see it taste it death knocking at my door.
I wish I was clear of the method but the search I endure.
I know it will come as I have made it my goal.
Just a little longer and I will know for sure
Just how to end this life
I did not ask for.
To be free from it and not hold the burden of it anymore.
Like the realise of hands around your neck and the air to explore
Even dying seems impossible task
Complications they like to mask.
Methods just to hard to obtain
Or other ways that cause to much pain.
So many responiabiltys are reasons I should stay.
But the will of life they took away.
Life is hard but so is getting my end
How much longer do I have to pretend.
This life is not real it is like acting in a play
But this lie I live can not forever stay
Sometimes I just wish, I could run away and hide.
No matter where I go though, these feelings stay inside.
How can I stay here and live each day a lie,
When all I want to do is close my eyes and die?
I see the pain I cause you, with every tear I shed.
So I’m begging you just let me go instead,
I know you can never forgive me but please just set me free,
It may seem ungrateful, but this life’s not meant for me.
Thank you for all your love, for all the time we shared,
It means the world to me, to know that someone cared
The desire of death is always haunting me like a bad memories.
The joy of a end is a longing of my soul.
The sound of silence is pleasant music to my mind that I do not own.
The peace of nothing is a craving to strong.
If u have the answer I beg you to foretold.
As I have tried many a road and a different end I do not hold.
Just the desire of my eyes to close.
This is for you
This is how I feel
Something in my heart not sure if it’s real.
The treasure my heart can’t find.
Trying to keep you off my mind.
You once was mine but know you are not
Left my stomach in a knot.
Stole my heart and now it can’t be found
As to you it’s always bound.
I let you go and I will always regret
Cause u I will never forget.
Is this love I’m not sure or just wanting to belong to something pure.
What use is goodbye if forever u remain inside
Making the rest of the world seem blind.
Outside I’m happy
Inside I’m sad
Why can’t all of me feel glad.
Why can’t my happiness go deeper within
So my heart doesn’t feel like a sin.
A great big smile for u all to see
But behind the smile there is much pain with me.
I wish I could cry and realise the pain
instead this sorrow feels it must remain.
So I write my poems for u all to hear
But my life u must not fear.
The words must be said the feelings felt
Then the dark thoughts will hopefully melt
If u have a incurable disease that can be past though your genes it would be cruel to have children and pass it on. Yet my mum has had depression all her life and still had me and passed it on to me. Then I did the same like her and 2 of my 3 children have depression. I have great regret bringing them in the world and inflicting pain on them. It is selfish to have children to satisfy your own selfish needs. I wanted to be a mother and I didn’t once think about them. If I could turn back time I wouldn’t have them to save all of us so much pain of a incurable mental illness. Plus I could have my wish of dying as I would not have this great responiabilty to have to live for.
I have 3 reasons to live but I’m not really living I’m just going through the motions and there is no actual will to live. I need to find something however small it is to give me that will. I just wanna go asleep and never wake up be permantly numb!
Dose anyone else feel like they have so much to say yet you always repeat the same story/feelings?
Once I was a girl young and naive
Full of hopes and dreams.
Now the hope has gone and reality has set in.
Can’t go back to the past and right the wrongs that make my heart bleed.
So acceptance is what I seek.
I know I can’t keep looking back seeking what I can not have.
Yet unless I go back and change what is set in stone my future is so bleak.
So know I’m living but without the will cause my heart is already stolen and can not be found.
Death is my comfort
Death is my joy
A safe place of peace I must employ.
I’m not frightened I’m not scared
Just a longing that’s to hard to be fair.
They say I should be stronger the say I should fight
but they do not know what is in my sight.
So when will it come this day I desire
And end this life of burning fire.
Been thinking and feeling things that even I’m surprised about 🙁
Everyday I wonder what is love
Is it something magical from above.
I really think not
Or why some many people it forgot.
The warmth of a hug
The words whisperd it Will be alright
Not this reality that’s such a fight.
Some get chosen
I did not
Now my heart is in a knot
Not good enough it seems
To make my parents heart gleam.
So my own self worth
I must find
Cause these bad memories I must put behind.
I’m sad in my heart
I’m sad in my skin
And if I talk about my thoughts where would I begin.
The day is so endless the night is so long
How much longer do I need to be this strong.
Can’t get to sleep yet never wanting to awake
Must keep going for everyone else’s sake.
Is this the beginning is this the end
So many reasons so many friends.
Yet I keep on going for a little while at least
Even though inside sadness is my feast.
Stopped feeling suicidal and just feeling numb. Numb but happier then I have been for awhile. Not sure if is a good thing though as my thearpist keeps telling me it is better to feel things and deal with them. I dunno what to think apart from the fact is it not good I’m not thinking about death for a change???
Very rare and Don’t know what tomoorow will bring but trying to drink it all in 🙂