All I’ve got to my name right now. No car, no home, nobody. Just 740 dollars saved up. Almost just want to throw it at some random person who’d actually do something worthwhile with it right now cause I won’t. Not with bouts of legit being out of my mind episodes and being low functioning.
It’s a great big knot of things I can’t figure out how to express but fuck it idc. The most important and meaningful relationship I have ever had with anything in this life were with things that came out of bottles. They were there for me through the pain, they were there through the attacks, the threats and gaslighting and crap, through the bruises and snide it’s my fault comments, they helped me through nights of nightmares and shakes. And they were actually with me, not some far off illusion I had to fake and put on a ceramic lie on my ugly face for till I fucking broke more. It is all my fault, for being a gullible retard trying to trust and for feeling anything for anyone. Fuck human relationships and connections of any kind. Just felt like saying that online for whatever reason.
I hope all of you fucking got yourselves off to whatever the hell it is you all were getting out of all of this. Fuckign memories go away. Stop eating me fucking alive all god damned day every god damned day. I don’t want to be constantly going over it all. I don’t want the never ending feelings of inadequacy and fucking feeling like disgusting fucked unwanted trash that doesn’t belong anywhere. Don’t need the minute by minute fucking reminders of it all. I don’t fucking need these feelings and memories. I don’t fucking need them. Fuck off already.
I have almost no money but shopping again. Chemicals to make the shit go away. Wheee. Can’t wait. Seriously no fucking reason to be around anymore. Wish I wasn’t such a retard and an idiot. I never needed to stick around for you, you know? You fucking had someone else around for you, someone obviously way more important and preferred so why the fuck did I need to go through this? Why the fuck? For a fucking goddamn screen name to say hi to that made me feel even more isolated and lonely. I’m not a goddamn robot. A keyboard to tap on and a glowing little screen that goes ding isn’t enough to live for. Years and years of desperately trying to con myself and run and hide from reality to keep shit together so I could turn around and try to fake being something good only to fall the fuck apart and cry and shit while I sat there trying to tell you no I don’t cry and that everything is okay and fake the fuck out of it without even the experience of such things to fall back on as a template to have even the slightest clue as to how to do that. Hope you two had a great time and hope you fucking have a wonderful rest of your lives there.
Fuck life, I’ll get this right sometime.
Ignore the stupid idiot who thought he might actually have been wanted in someone’s life for the briefest of fucking moments and thought he could drop the act he put on for everyone else. *screams* Run away from the sad fucked up inhuman thing everyone! Quick! Till it’s dead
Sincerely, an even more crazy psychological train wreck of a some kind of thing.
Don’t see the point in keeping on living as an eternally truly hopeless cause. I don’t understand why anyone ever asked me to. I never had anything worthwhile to offer. It’s dumb
Fuck life, fuck my brain, fuck needing people, fuck crying over them fuck these fucking tears fuck the desperation and need fuck my worthless ass fuck needing someone fuck the never-ending isolation and fuck sticking around in life to go through this anymore