So yesterday was Thanksgiving here in the U.S. This last year (really the last 2 years) have been really bad for me, so I’m having a hard time feeling thankful/grateful about anything. Does anyone else on this site feel the same way? Also, how do any of you find things to be grateful for? I appreciate any and all suggestions.
It doesn’t matter if I kill myself tonight.
I’m destined for hell anyway.
I would just be trading hell on earth for hell in eternity
And I’ve no one to blame but myself
I had plenty of chances to do good
But I never gave a shit about anyone but myself
I feel very alone
I guess I’m not allowed to ask someone to join me in this journey on this site
I’m really tired of running from this thing.
I feel like I’m constantly in motion.
I feel like I’m all alone and no one understands.
But I guess I’m not.
A lot of us here deal with this monster – DESPAIR
It seeks to devour us.
I wish I knew why it picked on us and leaves others untouched?
Did we do something to deserve it?
Is there really something wrong in our brains like the doctors say?
And if that’s true then why?
And why can’t they fix it like any other disease?
Why don’t the meds work?
I don’t think they have a clue.
They can’t cure it.
The best they can do is put out each little fire as it flares up.
I don’t know how to end this rant.
I wish Smokey Bear would put out this fire for good !
Sorry about that lame comparison, but if I didn’t make light of it I’d just want to cry instead.
I haven’t posted in awhile. Probably no one even noticed. If you did, I’m sorry for not posting. Stupid asshole me for actually thinking someone would care. I think when I last posted I was manic. Ended up in the hospital for that. Don’t believe them when they say they won’t put you in the hospital for cutting. I’m getting too old for this bullshit. So they change my meds and I end up with major depression. I wouldn’t even go to the docs except I want my Klonopin and Ambien. Also, I need them to certify me so I can keep getting my disability $ coming. So I finally got my own apartment after living with my parents for a year and a half. I NEVER could have hidden my drinking from my parents, so that forced me to stay sober. They would have thrown me out if they caught me.
So, I lasted a week in the apartment before I started drinking again. It doesn’t even make me feel any better. It used to help me cope, but not anymore. My life is going nowhere. I serve no useful purpose. Don’t have the balls to kill myself. There’s nothing to live for. I wish I could find someone to shoot me in the back of the head. My son actually said he’d do it if he wouldn’t have to go to prison for the rest of his life. I don’t know if I should think he’s kind to put me out of my misery or if he’s completely sick. He’s in counseling too so I already know that he inherited my crazy genes.
Anyway, every time I start drinking again I end up getting arrested for some stupid bullshit or another. Last time it only took 5 or 6 occasions of drinking. Well tonight was my 3rd time drinking this go around. I want off of this merry-go-round.
Do you ever get the feeling that everyone is fucking with you?
You don’t know who to trust, or who to believe.
It’s even harder when you’re paranoid to begin with.
What are you supposed to do when everyone you’ve ever
known has ended up screwing you over?
I can only think of one person in my life who has never let me down.
That person would be my father.
But then again, when push comes to shove,
he always rises to the defense of my psychotic mother over me.
He says that it’s the way it has to be.
If mental illness really is a genetic thing,
then I got it from my mother
and I passed it to my son.
So what are you supposed to do?
I’ve been in treatment most of my life.
The medications help a little but have all kinds of side effects.
Some of the counseling helps, most of it does not.
The underlying problems remain,
and some things just cannot be fixed.
I want to run away from all of this,
but there is no place to hide.
I wish I would just cease to exist.
So many people on this site want to end their lives,
to be out of their misery.
Some WILL kill themselves, but most probably will not.
I have tried to end my life.
Nearly succeeded, but was resuscitated at the last minute.
Have not seriously tried again since then,
and doubt that I ever will.
But oh, how I wish I could go through with it!
So why do so many of us live day after day in misery?
Unable to take our lives?
I DON’T KNOW!
That’s it, there really is no explanation for it.
So, we come to this site and look for company in our misery.
Does it help?
Maybe, a little.
But then again, I want more.
I want to connect with a real live living person,
not some made up persona.
How do I know who’s real on this site and who’s not?
I guess the answer is that I don’t,
and try to trust that they are who they say hey are.
And hopefully I won’t get screwed over yet again!
Am I the only person who ever feels this way?
I’m such a fucking idiot.
I’m tired of not being able to manage my moods.
I’m sick of the fact that I have zero social skills,
and can’t really “read” people.
I’m tired of pills that don’t really fix anything.
I’m tired of not having the balls to kill myself.
(I’ve come pretty close though)
I’m tired of doctor’s who think they can heal me.
(They can’t)
I’m tired of the voices I hear, which I’m convinced are demons.
I’m tired of people not believing they’re real.
I’m sick of the fact that they’ll never stop until I’m dead.
I still believe in God.
I still think I’m going to heaven (but not certain anymore)
I sometimes don’t think heaven is going to be as good as they say.
I’m tired of writing useless shit like this.
I have notebook after notebook of writings like this.
I think of them as poems that no one will ever read.
I checked the “Poetry and Art” box for this thing here, but is it?
Worthless fucking words on paper.
I never know how I’m going to feel from moment to moment.
My moods can turn on a dime.
I can’t handle everyday life, the smallest things overwhelm me.
I’m really just so very tired.
I haven’t been coming to this site for long, but I see a lot of people posting that they’re about to kill themselves. And then they never post anything ever again. What am I supposed to think? Did they go through with it? Or was it all just a bunch of bullshit? I’m not naïve and I realize this is the internet, but it helps me in my own struggles when I know that others are still out there fighting their demons. Does this bother anyone else or is it just me? We really are all fighting this shit together, just different circumstances.
p.s. worthless_loser73 if you’re still out there, let me know. That was his screen name choice – NOT mine.
So anyway, the last year or so has really sucked. My wife made up lies to the police to get me arrested and got a protection order against me to get me removed from my house. Never spoke with her for the next year, except through our lawyers since she served me with divorce papers. Now that the protection order is expired she has been talking to me sweet as can be when I go over there to pick up our son. Of course the divorce is still going forward, it should be final any day now. She’s supposedly a Christian now and she says she forgives me. She has texted me, emailed me, she even gave me a hug one time. Now here’s where I get confused, I know she’s just being civil and doesn’t want to get back together. I on the other hand still care for her and her new found niceness has created a certain longing in my heart. Am I completely insane for feeling this way or what? And, I have so many questions. Like how could she lie to the police?, how could she serve me with divorce papers without any explanation? Why did she decide to divorce me? Wasn’t a 24 year marriage worth at least trying to save or have some honest discussion about it. Our son graduates from high school in a month and she suggested that we all drive up to the ceremony together. I feel like a fake pretending that everything’s all normal when in reality she destroyed me. I really just want some answers I feel like I need answered to move on. Like, she’s never admitted to her shortcomings in the marriage-I feel like she should be asking me to forgive her too. But, I could see that discussion going bad really easily. I didn’t mean to go on for so long. I guess I just wondered if people thought I should just learn to be content with things the way they are or if I should risk pressing things further? And if I should just leave things be, how do I stop feeling like such a phony being nice to her?-I’m just still so hurt and angry at the things she did to me.
Been down all day today and can’t really put my finger on why. Nothing special happened today, just really down all day. Should be in a good mood since I’m gonna see my son for his birthday tomorrow. When I feel this way, I always want to feel better NOW! I don’t want to wait and hope tomorrow’s better. I think of all the things that helped in the past like booze, drugs, cutting, but none of those things seem to help much anymore. They just get me in trouble, like I don’t need anymore DUI’s – the next one will be a felony. Fuck, I feel like such a loser – I don’t think I’ll ever get my shit together. I really have no insight into my moods. Medications help me not bounce all over the place, but I don’t really think they do shit other than that. And yeah suicidal thoughts pop into my head when I feel this way because I think it’s always gonna be like this. But except for one time all my attempts have been pathetic and I feel pathetic for that.
So I went to see my counselor today and it seemed like the biggest waste of time. I’ve always suspected this is her first job out of college. I thought I organized my thoughts pretty good with her, but she really had no insight to offer me. I’m not really ready to say she’s not a good fit because last time I saw her I thought things went pretty well. Anyone who’s been following my story knows I’m going through a divorce. I shared with the counselor that I was bewildered by my soon to be ex’s new found niceness and and she really had nothing to say about it. I’ve gotten far more useful feedback from all of you on this website, which I’m very thankful for. To top things off, my son has been saying some disturbing things to me and she really had nothing to offer on that either. Today was warm enough that I wore a short sleeve shirt there for the first time. She saw all the scars on my arms from cutting and she DID want to talk about that extensively. Also, she wanted to talk about voices today. These things are important, but they’re just not the most pressing issues in my life right now. I’m sorry to go on for so long but I just really needed to vent. Thanks for reading !
So last week I went over to my soon to be ex-wife’s apartment to get my belongings. First time I talked to her in over a year. After trash talking me for the last year, to my surprise she was sweet as could be. And then to top things off, when I went over to pick up my son for a visit on Sunday, she came up to the car to give me a book (about God) she bought me.
She said she forgives me and only wants the best for me. She said she’s sorry things didn’t work out (which I thought was strange phrasing for a 24 year marriage). She gave me a hug as I left. Of course, the crocodile tears were falling from her eyes which is classic for her. She said I can call or email her any time, which seems odd considering the divorce will be final in a month.
Now don’t get me wrong, I would prefer to be civil with her than enemies, especially for the sake of our son. That being said, her sudden “niceness” is bewildering to me. At least when she was being a ***** I knew where I stood. After all, this is the same woman who had me thrown out like yesterday’s trash. Anyone else have any experiences similar to this?
Went to counselor today, had a really good session with this new counselor for the first time. Come home, Mom wants to know how the session went. Then Mom proceeded to say how the counselor doesn’t know anything. Mom somehow thinks she’s the expert and has all the answers on how to fix my life. Then later on I’m in another room of the house and I can hear her and my Dad bad-mouthing me. I’m glad they let me live here during this divorce process, but they FUCKING DRIVE ME CRAZY !!! Can anyone relate to this?
Okay, so this divorce thing has been dragging on for a year. It’s not what I wanted. Sure I could have been a better husband, but that doesn’t really matter now. Have a court appearance next week, hopefully that will resolve the thing once and for all. Visiting with our son tomorrow, I have to try really hard not to talk to him about her. But really the big thing is we’re not getting back together. So I’ve been laying around mostly feeling sorry for myself. I think it’s time to get up off my ass and start trying to build some sort of new kind of life for myself. Wish me luck.
You think you’re miserable? You can’t even fathom my misery. You remember every bad thing I ever did to you. How quickly you forget. The things you said and did to me. You know, we could spare each other all this pain.
I know I can change, how about you? Can you spare me all your fucking lies! And all I ask is to talk to you again. But you don’t seem to want to. I wish I could take a walk with you. I would show you all my pain. You took everything I had from me. I can’t wait…to get away.
Will it help?
Probably not. But still I just feel like I need to get away. A place away from here.
Maybe the ocean. I lay down and feel the mist on my face. I want to go there with our son, the only lasting good that came from you and I. It helps me become sane again. Bad thoughts are banished, and for a minute I can breathe again. I can remember when, you really did care about me. I can’t remember what I did to make you hate me so much. Did it matter? I can’t seem to let you go.
All these thoughts sicken me, and for a minute I can’t swallow. If you think that I’m the one who’ll still be here, then come tomorrow. In time…I’ll be here no longer. Not waiting, not waiting for you anymore. I still love you… no matter what’s happened I love you anyway. Is it so strange, that I’ve been walking with the dead? I feel so conflicted.
I love you. I miss you.
I hate you *****.
And thanks to you, I’ve been living with my parents for the last year. My mother has been in one of her “moods.” If this mental illness really does have a genetic component, then I’m pretty sure I got it from her. Anyway, she’s mad at me for sleeping so much. Hey, what can I say – I am sleeping a lot. That’s what depressed people do. I’m not proud of myself, I feel hopeless and find no pleasure in anything. Can’t motivate myself. Go to court next week on the divorce. We’ll either agree to a settlement or have a trial – then I can finally get the hell out of here. This has dragged on for long enough.
Saw my new counselor today, for I think the 3rd time. She’s nice and all, but I think naïve. Nothing she says really makes me feel any better. Next week she says we’re going to work on the grief I’m feeling over the breakup of my marriage. Sounds like a good plan to me, but I don’t really see myself getting over being dumped after 24 years of marriage. Taking new anti-depressant but its not helping. Visiting with my son tomorrow which is good, but in a way he just reminds me how much the ex hates me. The misery is just a constant now, the only time I feel any peace is when I sleep. The counselor asked me if I had any plans to harm myself. I said no which is really only partly true. The truth is that I’m a big fuckin’ coward. I’ve made 2 attempts in the past. The second one would have worked too if I just laid down and went to sleep from the overdose. Don’t know how many years I have left on this earth, but I sure as hell don’t want to spend them feeling like this. Feel like such a ***** for not offing myself. I try to tell myself that my son still needs me, but I think he’d get along okay without me. He’ll be 18 next month and he knows how miserable and fucked up his father is. I mostly believe in the afterlife and that I would go to heaven even if my death is by my own hand. So really, all that keeps me here is cowardice and then that makes me feel even shittier about myself. If you read this far, thank you. I’m sorry for being such a downer, just struggling to find any glimmer of hope and believing anyone gives even the slightest shit about me.
Just a quick question to the community at large. Taking anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, and mood stabilizers during the day. Take benzos and sedatives at night to calm myself and help me sleep. Thing is, I’m been getting progressively more and more depressed, especially during the day. Feel like shit during the day too, kind of like a hangover. I’m starting to wonder if the benzos/sedatives are making things worse, almost sorry I started taking them. Anyone have any thoughts about this? Can they add to the depression? Any comments will be much appreciated.
It’s a long story but I’ll try to make it short. My wife made some bullshit complaints about me 1 year ago and got a protection order against me. Well, the protection order ended today and I find myself still struggling with all that’s happened. I haven’t had any contact with her for the last year. I hear about her through our 17 year old son during visitation and thru my lawyer. I got served with divorce papers and the divorce is still winding its way thru the courts. That’s it – no “goodbye”, no “it’s over” or “we’re through.” We’ve been married 24 years and as much as I hate the word I would have liked some sort of closure. As long as we’re getting divorced I would have wished we could have been at least on speaking terms. Like when our son graduates high school in June will we all be able to get together after the ceremony. So, I guess my question is should I try and make contact with her now that the protection order is over or should I just leave things be. Thanks for any advice you can give me and thanks for reading.