You know, when you think things are actually starting to look up and after so long the stress just piles up on you & you just want to collapse .. Over the past 2 months things were getting better, I had gotten a job, figured where I want to go to college, figured what kind of major I wanted to do, gotten a wonderful boyfriend. But just over this past week he has just. Even so angry & takes it out on me, and it just seems to be sex sex sex.. He says I always start it but I’m sleeping when I Apparently start it.. Which whatever I shrug it off, but on top of it all my principal told me I won’t be graduating from the high school I’m attending & I will have to go to the success center (still a high school diploma) & once I told my parents about it and they just looked at me like I was an awful child because I won’t get a good job due to the school I went to.. Which is probably right, but they also won’t let me go to the college I want and the one closer home doesn’t have the major I want to go for. But anywho, I was talking to my mother today and mentioned I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go to college anymore. She told me she is disappointed because I’ll get a shit job and go no where in life and she won’t support me if I make that decision .. & it hurts because they just look at me like I’m a failure, everything I do is wrong. They make comments about what I eat and it just makes me feel so disgusted in myself because I judt feel like a freaking hippo. I’ve also have been getting sick from everything I eat and my mother tells me I’m faking it. I’m just tired of everything, everyone depends on me for everything and I just can’t do it. I spend my time trying to make others happy before myself and then when I try to make myself happy everyone gets angry at me so I just give up and help them..
I honestly cannot find the words anymore, nothing to comfort others. I’m just blank, more or less like something that’s been erased. As i sit there constanly with the thoughts of suicide, it moves down my spin.. hurting more and more, like ice onto an ocean. I technically cannot classify myself from an ocean. Because in my mind: I see an Ocean as peaceful, full of life, moving to keep the life going. It’s like we are here to be here? If that makes sense, but unlike others we feel it all, we feel it more and more & it dwells in our minds that we are not good enough and it gets to that certain point where you don’t want to feel it anymore. So you try anything you can to numb it, but you know no one will ever realize how you feel. You try to find a shelter like person to keep you save, but that just hurts it more because they stop listening or they no longer care. Maybe i have gone insane? But honestly, what is insane? We all expect the ‘norm’ .. but does anyone truely know what the normal is? Is it always happy, but effected by very small things and can get over it in a snap of a finger. When you are sad, people look at you, like you are truely screwed .. but honesly.. there is hope for you somewhere, somday. You have to find that place, it may be hard.
After he left me, I turned upside down. I thought sleeping with guys would help me forget him, maybe i actually thought the guy i was with would actually love me, but that was all a joke. It would never be love, it was all lust. That’s all it is now adays is lust, maybe for a second i honestly thought i had feelings for these guys. Now, sex isn’t pleasurable.. i just want it to be done with when i have it. Maybe i thought i could honestly numb out the feelings for him with other guys, because alcohol wasn’t working with me, smoking either. Popping pills, i felt something. Nothing ever good enough to feel though.
I will never understand this worthless feeling.. but i’ve made it worse by doing this
17 guys.. and i’m only 16.. How disgusting can i more become? I’m a sinfull monster that cannot find my way out of this deep darkness. As i scream and scream for help .. nothing but silence from the north to the south.
I feel like my heart has just been stomped on, how could you tell someone you want to fix everything. It makes absoultely no sense to me how you could tell someone you still love them but you go off with their old best friends? It’s like you never even loved me as you said you did. Like why did i even have to care for you? Maybe i wasn’t meant to be loved by someone. I have this thing of giving people to many chances & I’ve now realized it, maybe it’s because I want to see the good in that person. Yet they continue to hurt me and I know it.. I’ve became so lost at words now a days.. & I’m once again blank..
Today as I got up for school, my mother came into my room.. telling me if I don’t go to school she’s going to kick me out of the house .. I’m only 16, I can’t drive, I don’t have a job, and I have no friends .. As I finished getting ready for school my mother tells me she mad me breakfast. I informed her I wasn’t hungry, she thew the food In the hallway, shoved me against the wall and repeatedly pushed me, therefore we moved into the kitchen. I told her I wasn’t riding with her, she grabbed me by my arm and pulled me across. I got my arm undone and she grabbed me by my hair and tried to pull me, I fell she hit me in the face 3 times.. and tried to choke me. I ran to my aunt who didn’t seem to give a fuck what was happening & ran outside .. barefoot .. it is now down pouring.. I just want to die.. I can’t do this
I just want to puke..
I’ve started counceling the other week, and the second session she asked me why i cannot keep eye contact with anyone.. I didn’t explain to her why .. once somebody told me it kills them to look into my eyes because all they see is pain.. She also began to tell me i have created a well put together mask and she cannot figure it out. I don’t believe i need to go to counceling, I have nothing to talk to her about. Am i suppose to sit there and tell her how constantly i plan out my suicide, how perfectly it is put together but i havent done it because i don’t want to hurt anyone.. I can’t even say this shit out loud to anyone.. I’m just tired of being alive, i can’t do it anymore. I want to die, im so unhappy with everything and everyone. My body is disgusting.. My 2 best friends are leaving for the navy soon.. I want to drop out of high school because i know i can not succeed and i will never. I am a failure to humanity. I no longer belong. I’m unloveable and mentally fucked..
I don’t want to do this, nobody understands that. I just want it all to end, all the pain, all the hurt, all the angry. Nothing seems to be getting better.. All my friends and family make me look like a terrible person because how unhappy i am and how much i want to die.. That’s the reason i haven’t done it, i just cant take this anymore and i don’t know whats wrong with me and why i am sad? I hate talking about my feelings because no one knows what to say to me and they all get so mad because i wont open up.. they even told me that sooner or later they aren’t going to keep trying, i just.. I don’t know what to say to them. They all think its over my ex but it really isn’t.. i feel so sick, mentally.. Everything i say gets shot down or no one listens.. I feel worthless, why would someone want to love somebody that only thinks twisted thoughts..
I just want to feel something again…
I just want out…
I’m going no where in life…
You know how odd it is, whenever i cry over you .. you text me? Like is this some sick joke? All i want is to hate you but seems to me that will be impossible. I’m so unhappy with life and you just make it worse.. Well today i told Rj i’m tired of being there for everyone else but no one is there for me and i listen to EVERYONE, but yet i have no one? All he said was ‘You need to let people in…’ How can i let people in when my best-friend’s cat scratched her one day and she was making cutting jokes? Like how the hell is that funny? I stayed quiet about it. I’ve become very angry with everything now. As odd as it is, I’ve been starting to hate my mother for no reason. I’m very fond of my bed now, because honestly.. I just want to feel important and loved.. Maybe that’s it? Or i’m just insane. Yeah, probably just insane. I just don’t know what to think anymore, lets not forget now.. I turned in a friend of mine (We will call him A) well A stole P’s credit card.. and A & P are suppose to be good friends.. A Was planning to take all the money, he even lied to P’s face straight up about having it.
I feel insane, like i’ll never be happy. Even though i strive so hard to be happy. Yet i feel as if there is fire in my skin, and i am drowning within’. I can’t trust nor really open up to people.. i can feel them judging.. no one understands the concept of depression around here.. they just think you are ‘sick’ .. that’s all you’ll hear “She’s sick, look at her wrist” “She needs to be put away” .. But they don’t get the constant darkness taking over your mind.. Out of all honesty if i were to do it.. I’d make it look like an accident to save the pain from my family.. Lately everything has been brought up out of this ‘hole’ concept, but I’ve fallen back into the hole, unhappy as can be. As yet i haven’t picked up a blade, bottle, or pill has surprised me. 12 Tylenol doesn’t do much to a person, sadly. I feel messed up in the head, sick & twisted that all i think about is death. How to get away and run from my problems. I seem to make everything seem as a joke to make it seem as if i am happy. Although i fail at everything in life. As a daughter, as a student, as a friend, as a girlfriend.. I can’t make anyone happy. That’s pretty clear considering the fact i fail at making myself happy. It’s rather petty how hateful i’ve become. Ha, have a good one.
As hard as i try to get over you, you come back.. Telling me your sorry and getting me to believe your stupid, drunken or sober lies. You get my hopes up and even every time i know they will crash right back down, i still believe you. I try to talk to others, but i cannot get feelings for them, all i want is you. I know i shouldn’t have you. Any who, ever since New Years I feel into a deep depression, i stopped eating, dropped a good 15 pounds, slept more, had absolutely no ambition to do a thing. Cutting came back even though i tried so harder. The deeper i cut, the better it felt.. I cried every night for 5 hours.. I had 9 random break downs in one day. I overdosed.. I just, i don’t understand why I love you so much, everyone can tell me i’m dumb for it and what not, but i can’t help it.. I kinda figured out all my friends are fake, so that makes it better. Guess i’ll make a new friend with alcohol, I’m going to be honest.. I’d rather go to an alternative school so i can get my s*** together, i’m failing 6 classes out of 8.. Wow.. That’s not good. I’ve noticed when i get upset i cannot breath, i feel trapped. I can’t think straight, and i start shaking and thinking of the worse? What is it? What’s wrong with me? I feel like I’m slipping away..
Oh, Just get over yourself Kailee, You’re being pathetic..
Everything that happens is always my fault! I said one thing and i get screamed at for an hour, being told im a peice of shit.. Thanks Dad, love you too! Isn’t life already hard? I miss everything i had.. I miss my old dad.. but tonight was my last straw.. I’m done.. I want to break my promise soooo bad, and i think i might.. You are soo disrespectful, and mean to me. Yet you have NEVER yelled at my sister like this? How does that make me feel? LIke a terrible person. You blamed me for everything that happened 4 years ago. I had to call the cops, otherwise someone would of gotten hurt. You don’t even remember telling me im dead to you, or you hated me, calling me fat, or even worse..
You are the one that pushed me away, yet i still want you? But i also want to hate you.. You knew i was happy, doing just fine with him, and at the bonfire when he wasnâ€™t around you pull me off to the side.. and tell me you miss me and still love me.. You treated me like i was nothing, you ignored me to teach me lessons, you ignored me on my birthday, used me, lied to me.. why in the world did i stay? I ask myself every day why i gave you a second change.. and now you ask for a third chance, telling me youâ€™d only fuck up again.. Why? â€œI was so afraid i would get a phone call from your mom or dad saying you did this or thatâ€ .. You knew i have cutting problems you lied to me, you abandoned me a week after my great grandmother died. You lied and i will never ever be okay. I canâ€™t trust anyone anymore.. I just canâ€™t.. Is that alright to you to just hurt someone like that? I try and try to forget you and what you have done, but.. i just canâ€™t. Your always bothering me in the back of my head. I donâ€™t expect anyone to comment. I just need to vent and get my feelings out. All you ever did was compare me to her. All you do now is drink and drink, you told me you wish you were dead.. This is to hard.. i just donâ€™t know.. i suck at everything in life.. Iâ€™m a failure.. I canâ€™t do anything right. Iâ€™m failing school because i donâ€™t understand it and no one gets that, i can never keep friends, my sister hates me, so does my half brother, my parents donâ€™t understand a thing.. what is there to do at this point? Iâ€™m ready to give up. Iâ€™m slowly losing my mind.
Is there even an happy ending? Yes alot of these stories are from the past but they dwell inside of me. Every thought, motion, or sight brings back the pain, darkness fills my nights. Somedays I can be happy but when it all comes back it just hits me.. It hits me hard. I miss the regular life with the people I had, But everything changes for a reason right? I suppose.
I feel as if i paint my smiles on.. I don’t think I’ve ever went through so much pain in a month.. You said you felt bad that you did it because it was a week after my great grandmother died? That was my first funeral.. You were there.. Holding me.. Kissing me.. Then bam it all went down hill.. Why? You put me through hell, i fought for us and you did nothing! You told me to shut the fuck up when you knew i was right… Why do I still have to feel this pain? I don’t want it anymore.. Then you’d continue to talk about her when i tried to fix us.. maybe if i would of never found out any of this i couldn’t be hurting so much, You lied & lied.. Hid things from me.. That hurt and you act like it was nothing at all..
Why do you try to stay? Why do you push yourself into my life? No.. I told you i didn’t want to be with you and you continually try.. You hurt me once I’m not letting you do it again..
Here is my rant.. Best night of my life.. not.. you want to sit there and lie to me about who your with and what your doing? And you think i should of had respect for her? Uhmm no, what girl goes around with a guy who she KNOWS has a fucking girlfriend?.. I should of beat her ass. I don’t give a fuck anymore. Then we figure it all out and you turn back around and go to her house. HELL NO! I’m not playing anymore. I’m done.. I don’t want to be here.. I’m tired of the lieing of tonight..
This as been eating at me all day! How the hell is she about to let you finger her in school? No. Nasty. Ewh. Tf? Stay classy hunn. You last had sex in a school room? Sendin naked pictures.. don’t get me wrong i’ve had sex. but not in school!
Tired of feeling frustrated.. I’m sooo over it.. Tired of fighting with these stupid ass bitches at school. Gahh! I don’t care anymore!!
I feel as if I’m never enough .. :/ I have no clue why I feel this.. I don’t know how to open up to him.. he’s the sweetest thing.. but i feel as if i don’t treat him right! Gahhh! :'(
I need this.. I need it.. what is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? i don’t want to do this anymore..