I found the one reason I keep my heart beating. The only person that makes me smile and be happy. He is the guy I have liked for over a year now. Turns out he liked me for about the same time. Actually he would kill himself if I died, and I’d do the same. He’s really nice, but has a bit of a weight problem. My friends all make fun of him because of it and his laugh. It really upsets me that not one of them care about the fact that I love him, and he loves me.
I can’t live this way anymore. My best friend gave me a lecture about me killing myself, and now hates me. My one friend, Paige, doesn’t even ACT like she cares. I’m probably depressed, I wanna kill myself, and I have thought of running away multiple times (I would have nowhere to go….). My life is one big hell. My dad hit me when I was three, has been verbally abusive since, hit me again when I was seven, and juSt plain pisses me off. My parents argue often now, and I’ve decided next time they get in a fight, I’m running and not coming back. There are people whose lives are nearly perfect, but act depressed and wanna kill themselves. I’m not one of those people. Don’t tell me not to commit suicide, I can decide for myself. Sorry I just had to say this.
I really don’t know what to do anymore. My life is going downhill. My few friends are turning against me. It feels like nobody wants me here, so if I ended my life, everyone would be happier. I want to end my life, but I am too afraid to take the necessary actions to do so. I sleep eleven hours a night, which is three hours longer than I used to sleep, plus i wake up at 4 am and cant go back to sleep for about twenty minutes. I am rarely hungry and last night i felt really dizzy for about two hours. I can never feel happy, and I’m usually stressing out about little things. My parents have argued more times this summer than they had the past two years. I’ve never been like this before, and I don’t know what’s going on. I get upset over things really easily, and I don’t know why. I don’t know what to do anymore.
It’s obvious I am hated by everyone, they just don’t say it. I really wish they would just tell me that they hate me instead of pretending. I mean, who would want to spend their time hearing some stupid retard ***** about her life? I don’t know what to do. I’m always tired, but now I am so tired that I can’t even act happy around two people!!! This school year I’m gonna tell everyone to stay the hell away from me because, again, no one wants to listen to me. I am pretty sure I need help but I’m too scared to try. I hate myself more than anyone because I’m such a coward. I hate being like this because it makes me lose all of my friends. I don’t know why I’m still here-oh yeah, cuz I’m a fucking chicken. Whoever read this, I’m sorry for wasting your time.
I am a twelve year old girl who has been put through shit in the past few years. I’m not sure where the problem began, but I’m trying my best to find out.
I think it started last August, when my “friend” Shelby and I tried cutting ourselves with sticks. She did it for attention, while I did it because I thought that maybe it might help. Little did I know that I was committing myself to this life (because I’m such an idiot). She made scratches on her arm while I was trying to make it bleed.
In middle school, things started to get worse. I had made friends with thus girl named Zoe (one thing I didn’t mess up on), and we’ve been good friends ever since. But bad things were happening. I noticed that I was more impatient and aggressive, and less happy like I used to be. My friends were slowly slipping away from me, and I never stopped to notice. There were a few, like Zoe, who stayed and tried to help, but she didn’t know how to help.
Then, in March, I successfully cut myself for the first time. I had two other friends who cut (Paige and Zoe) and two who claim they cut (Shelby did and blamed me when she was caught though she was telling everybody, and I know Abby didn’t, otherwise there would be a mark on her arm). Both Zoe and Paige got caught eventually, while I stayed away from the counselor (he fucking scares me!). It’s a wonder why I haven’t gotten caught.
Then I was slowly slipping into depression. After the cutting, I had four failed suicide attempts (obviously I was never going to get hit). I plan, but never actually have the courage to carry out the plans. I want out of this hell, but I hate myself for not leaving here. I have one friend who is being treated for depression, so she tries to help me (though it hasn’t worked yet) and Zoe attempts to help, but she has no clue about what I’m going through.
At my twelth birthday party (May 9) I had Abby, Shelby, Mia, Lily, and Zoe at my house. They got along with each other alright, so I didn’t expect problems except between Abby and Zoe. A half hour later, I’m crying in my sisters’ closet, Zoe tries helping, Mia and Lily act drunk but Mia helps eventually, Shelby listens to my iPod Touch, and Abby talks about how much she wants to have sex with Kyle. Some shitty birthday party, right? Well, then Zoe and I are left out of the other girls’ conversation because, as Shelby says, “There are just too many people in one room”, but I think either her or Abby hate Zoe, so they ditch us. Stupid me for being depressed, I’m such a *****.
Then the summer came. I thought I’d be happier, but now things are worse than ever. My dad is verbally abusive towards me, and not my four other siblings. My friends all hate me, though they claim otherwise. I’m actually thinking of running away. Worst of all, I’m the total outcast in the school. I used to do my best in school, but now, though I’m still an excellent student, my grades are slipping. I used to get all A’s and A+’s, but now I mainly get A-‘s and B+’s. I don’t even try anymore. I guess it’s mainly because I’m an idiot, like my dad implies. My dad has said more hurtful things than that. I’ve been called a *****, a stupid hippie, lesbian, a loser, hey says that 90% of my friends will be on drugs or pregnant by high school, plus he threatens to put me in a boarding school, move in with my great aunt who lives two hours away, or put me up for adoption.
It’s official. My life is hell. Go ahead, make fun of me like almost everyone in my school does. I don’t care.