When I was young and did bad on a school assignment or quiz my parents punished and yelled me instead of thinking there was something wrong with me. Now I didn’t just do bad every now and then, for example I would get a failing grade on an open read quiz because I just couldn’t focus on reading. It’s been this way for as long as I can remember with school work being complete hell my whole life. I am now in my senior year of highschool, and I figured out on my own last year that I have adhd. I found out that I share a lot of if not all traits of adhd. Last year I had to force my parents to take me to the doctor to talk about it, but the doctor said I couldn’t get a prescription for adhd medicine like aderall or vyvanse because at the time I wasn’t failing any classes (although I was very much struggling), and because it’s usually prescribed at a younger age so they think I’m just gonna deal it. The doctor ended up giving me these student evaluation forms that my teachers would fill out about me but that never really went anywhere. Last semester of this school year I failed 2 classes and I was yelled at to the point of where I was crying uncontrollably, I couldn’t really counter argue or defend myself in the argument due to not being able to talk through the tears and just being completely enraged. My parents think I’m just not trying and they punish me for something I can’t help. If I was back at the time of the argument where my father had said something along the lines of “You fail because you’re not trying” I would hit him very hard and from then I don’t think I’d be able to control my actions, considering my father also has raised me to not express anger, so I bottle it up and it usually comes out very violently when I finally crack, but that’s a whole different story. It’s so insanely hard to do schoolwork and right now I’m supposed to be doing over 5 assignments that were due 2 hours and 31 minutes ago. It’s just a constant loop of feeling inadequate, guilty, and like a failure since my parents always yell at me when I don’t/can’t do work. The stress is so immeasurable at this point, this has been going on for so long but this year has been the worst with work. My parents keep pushing me and saying “the years almost over just finish the work”. I absolutely despise both of them. That’s what they have told me my whole life, “Just do the work”. I can’t just fucking “do the work” when even if I manage to focus I feel like I’m going insane from the mental fatigue of it. I can’t even enjoy the things I like doing anymore because I know I’m not caught up on schoolwork so I feel guilty and that I’m slacking off instead of working, but I can’t. I just fucking can’t work. I wait until after the very last second and when that time comes I’m driven to insanity from the pile up of work. My problem may not sound that bad to the point of suicide since to an average person “it’s just schoolwork” but for me it’s clearly not just that. I feel guilty just from seeing or hearing about people doing schoolwork, just because I know that’s what I should be doing but I feel as if I choose not to.
If I end up making it to the end of this school year, I plan on moving out and ghosting my family. I would’ve tried the helium method a while back except for the fact it needs to be 100% helium, and I don’t know how I would obtain that since party city helium is far from high quality. I’m not expecting anyone to read this whole thing, but if someone does, don’t comment any supportive shit or try to steer me away from suicide. I can promise your sappy reply won’t change my opinion at all, it will just piss me off. If anything I would like to know what gasses are easily obtainable that I could use for suicide. I don’t want to shoot myself or jump, I just don’t trust the painless part of it, also mainly because it’s a big mess to clean up for someone else. I can’t find any peaceful painless clean suicide methods so if anyone has methods please share.