kdf_333

Sooooo…. covid has not killed me. Doubtful it will. I rarely get sick. I get a mild cold/fever sometimes cuz i am allergic to my own eggs. So when i ovulate my body tries to kill the invaders. Lol.

Anyways,  my menstrual cycle messes with my hormones. Hormones mess with my brain chemicals. I get even more depressed. So lucky me! it’s the holidays and now i have that great social anxiety i get when i am going to be with my family for long periods of time. Yay.

And cuz of covid, work has really sucked. I have to work at home. The first couple months were great. But i work for the public. The best parts of my job are interacting with my coworkers and customers. So i have no work to do that i enjoy. I stopped working around july/august . Nobody noticed. Nobody has said anything. So i am grateful i am getting paid but feel guilty. I just realized i had to order something that needed to be here by January. It is december 23. I think how somebody else would not have let that slip. How somebody else could do my job better…or just fucking do it. I feel guilty. I also feel like i do shit like this on purpose to see if anybody notices..if anybody cares what i do. Maybe if i feel needed or necessary i would work like i can and should. Maybe i’d have a reason to get out of bed. Today I will come up with a lame excuse. Everybody will be understanding and i will keep my job. Sigh.

My to do list keeps growing. Lots of little things. Maybe 3 or 4 big things. Nothing that difficult. A few things are rather expensive and inconvenient. A lot of things i now have to do cuz i did not do other little things years, months, weeks ago. So my self destructive ways are seen at work, in my apt’s lil things that need to be fixed..now a few big things, my car-small things, now a few big things, and my body small things are now big things. Unfortunately one will not die from cavities. They do pull your half dead tooth and replace it with a fake one. I had to that once already. Very expensive, now i am gonna have to do it again. Cuz of my anxiety (and lack of care about being alive), i don’t go to the dentist or doctor.

I feel guilty for having insurance to go and not going. I feel guilty cuz it is a waste of money. and sooooooooo many folks would love to be able to go to the dentist and doctor on a regular basis.

I feel guilty for not liking my job anymore when soo many folks are jobless now due to covid.

I feel guilty for being so physically heathy but wishing i was dead when so many folks are sick.

I feel guilty for feeling needless anxiety about being with my family when sooo many folks cannot see their family or don’t have one or have an awful toxic family.

I feel guilty for not eating and sometimes wasting food when so many are starving.

I feel guilty for buying shit when i have so much debt and am not spending the money on others or stuff i actually need.

I feel guilty for taking up space in this world when i have no talents or anything to give to others to make their lives better.

I feel guilty for constantly fantasizing about committing suicide when i know my family loves me and i truly believe Christ died for me.

i feel guilty for being depressed when my life is not awful. I feel guilty for being depressed when i have never been physically or sexually abused or assualted. I feel guilty for being depressed when my heart has never been broken cuz i have never loved anything or anyone enough for that to happen.

i feel guilty for using real life celebrities as objects of my sexual fantasies and reading fanfics about them in order to self medicate and temporarily stop my mind from thinking about wanting to not exist.

I feel guilty for lamenting being kinda smart (cuz then maybe i’d be too dumb to be this depressed.) when so many folks i know struggled in school and work cuz they were not as bright as me.

I just feel so guilty.

but the guilt has kept me from committing suicide. I would not want to leave this mess of an apartment for my family to clean. I would never want to leave all these debts for my family to have deal with. I would never want my coworkers to think they should have known since we get training on mental health awareness every year. I would not want my friends on social media to think they should have seen the signs. I would not want the first responders to feel bad they could not save me. That and in my area there is high possiblity the first responder would actually be someone that knows me or my family. Sooo yeah i don’t want to add to anybody’s cache of trauma.

i always think if i had a family or a talent or was irreplaceable at work i would not feel like a waste of space. But the famous folks who have millions that love their creativity and the contents they produce commit suicide. Folks that have spouses and children and jobs that give joy to millions. I don’t understand why they think they are not worthy of space.

Sigh.

Me, i truly am not. So i don’t know why I am here. The whole point of humans is to love, be loved, and create. I am loved but i don’t love and neither do I create.

so why am i here?

…still.

I have thought about not existing as long as i have been alive. My very first memory is of doing something to upset my sister and mom. They were my entire world. I hurt them. I thought i am a bad little girl. Don’t remember what i did but i know i did it on purpose. My punishment was being sent to my room. I thought to myself i wanted to die but i took it further. I did not want to die and go to hell cuz pain. Or die and go to heaven cuz not worthy. I just wanted to not exist, like ever. Then i could never disappoint my sister or mom. I did not want to die and have them miss me. I figured if God could create a universe, he could zap me out of existence, like on my cartoons and buck rogers and star wars.

that idea has come back to me time and time and time again. After puberty, around 11yrs old,  it was really bad. At least once a week and depending on my menstrual cycle, several times a day for 3 or 4 times a day. I had school and college buddies that were depressed. We ALL thought about suicide and different methods on the regular. We never once attempted. Well not directly. We did have very poor eating habits and were not exactly careful when we went out. Cuz when you don’t care if you live…

so every counselor, doctor, therapist, etc. asks if you have had suicidal thoughts. We ALL lie. Cuz we have them all the time. It’s constant. They pop up out of nowhere. One of my many goals on my “to get better” list is to go one week without thinking about suicide or fantasizing about being murdered by a mass shooter (i work in a public place.) or thinking of ways to make a suicide look like an accident so nobody blames themselves (plus life insurance will pay out!). Just one frikking week!

But i truly feel (so did my school buddies) that the doctors will try to put me on extreme drugs or lock me up on suicide watch if i admit to this.  I really believe that if  counselors started by saying “thinking about dying or not wanting to exist or suicide fantasies are normal.” more depressed folks would be honest in therapy. And a lot less suicides.

Thanks for this website!

Social media and themighty.com get all up in arms and think a person is about to drive into a tree when they say stuff like “today i imagined how i could drown myself but make it look like an accident.”  Over 35 years i have had these thoughts, Seriously never once actually attempted to do anything i imagined.

I am almost 45 years old. I am tired. I wish i could talk about what I really feel instead of being vague. Truly though i wish i just never existed. Or… i was a lot dumber. Then maybe i would not realize how inadequate of a human i am.

I really did not think i’d live this long still feeling this way. Sigh.

This lady talks about it. Apparently there is a name for it. https://natashatracy.com/bipolar-disorder/passive-suicidal-depression-didnt-wake/