If think if anyone KNEW the impact their suicide would have on those left behind, I honestly don’t think they would do it. They not only leave us to mourn them, feeling the pain and sorrow because they’re gone, etc. They add so much more to all that. They force upon us guilt, remorse, hatred, confusion, shame,unknowing,alone…anything and everything one could ever feel is thrown at you all at once. What they inflict goes beyond any pain or suffering one feels when a person passes due to a cause that isn’t suicide. You never recover. You can’t. Even if it seems the grief is managed, its really not. Â I KNOW if they really knew what happened after they chose to leave, they would change their mind. I have to believe this. Its one of the only ways I can deal with my loss. Its unthinkable to me that my loved one would intentionally leave me with such anguish. Â Â (This was the first comment I left for someone here and thought I’d use it for my first post too)
USMC widow. Honest. Sincere. Loyal. Caring. A LONG story about some parts of my life: Grew up in So Calif. Loved being a kid. Carefree. My family was well known (not always for good things either) We had the biggest house in the neighborhood. It had to be big since there were 4 kids and 4 adults (usually drunk) living in it! But I was young.Life was good. Then I became a teenager.Not sure what changed but I started hating life. In my eyes, it just sucked. Then I found love.I Loved being in love and feeling loved. Loved life. Life was good. Until the moment I lost the love of my life to suicide.I was left feeling so alone,guilty,betrayed,confused,angry,ashamed,you name it. From then on,I never knew how I was supposed to feel.Whatever I was feeling,I hated it. If I was happy, I would feel guilty for feeling it. If I was confused,I blamed myself and that caused anger. I would feel bad for being angry. It was a no win situation. A vicious cycle.I started to hate feeling.Any feeling. Good,bad,happy,sad,It was like no matter what I did,said,thought or felt, it was wrong.I was a failure and disappointment. I blamed myself for everything and was convinced the problems of others were in some way my fault. I hated caring and began to self destruct. I went back to hating life and myself. It was easier that way. I thought if I was reckless I could wreck less. If I didn't care,whatever I was feeling wouldn't matter so I found ways to not feel. I loved everything when I wasn't sober so stayed that way for years. I thought that was what worked for me.Then that got way out of hand. A DUI was just the start of my legal troubles.But I've been handling that stuff and staying out of trouble. Ok,enough about me. I'd rather hear about YOU!