Someone please give me coals to burn, tape to be sure it stays within my room. If covid wasn’t here I would have done it months ago and succeeded. There’s just too many people in this house.
I want to hold a baseball bat and just start breaking things. I want to throw whatever my hands reach, I want to hear glass breaking on the floor. I want to scream so loud.
There’s too much anger in me and nothing google says works. Articles just say to redirect your anger do other stuff, just breathe and relax. That’s bs it doesn’t work at all. I don’t think it works that way.
I am mad at my dad for not paying for my bills. He doesn’t care if I die even if this brain tumor gets worse until it kills me. I am mad at him for never noticing me, for not playing his part as a dad. He shouldn’t have brought me to this world. I am mad at him for slapping me so hard I thought I would go blind.
I am mad at my mom for everything. Punishing me until now by letting me kneel on salt or rice. For saying at my face how she prefers my cousin over me as her daughter. I did nothing wrong. I hate her for not listening to me everytime I told her my head hurts and I want a check up. Now I have three tumors on my brain.
I hate them for just being a show off parents. We are a fake family and yet no one knows. They’re envious of me for having a ‘perfect life.’
I hate my brother for not saying anything at all.
Whenever I am close to just breaking things or punching the wall, I played the keyboard. I don’t get why I am so mad but I also start crying. Maybe because I am angry at them for hurting me? Idk. I am so mad and I don’t know how to release this.
My cousin aka my rapist just got engaged. There are posts all over fb from him and my relatives. I texted him. I congratulated him on the first sentence. Then I told him I still remember everything. He said he was young and stupid. He’s regretting it and everyday he prays to God to forgive him and give the strength to apologize to me. How can I forgive him when he raped me so violently?
I begged and begged but he didn’t listen, he still raped me. I have DID and because of that I got three more alters. How can I just forgive him and forget everything when until now I still can’t be the same as I was before. When I still can’t sleep, when I even had to drop out all because there are boys in college and they might take advantage of me when I have an attack. This is bs. He’s an asshole for even asking me to give him another chance. He said not to close my doors on him. Asshole.
For the past week I had symptoms of covid. Fever, cough, loss of taste. I tested positive then a day after it got hard to breathe. Hospitals won’t accept me because they said I look fine, not even pale or anything and because I am only 20 yrs old. Even if I tested positive I wouldn’t die, it’s not that dangerous for me. And that’s all bs. My sister and I had no choice but to go where my dad is admitted.
When they checked, my oxygen levels were already low. I was already in state of confusion though I don’t look like it. That explains why it feels like I am dreaming and I keep on burping.
My mom doesn’t want to pay for my bills. So my half sister helped, well it is her mom in vegas. She borrowed money from her past coteachers, her friends here in Philippines. My parents are rich. Dad’s rich, mom’s rich, a perfect ideal family from the outside. Relatives are jealous of me because acc to them I have everything. They don’t know how my parents actually treat me.
This is my 4th day in the hospital. It’s a little more expensive because my sister’s mom didn’t want to put me in the ward with all these covid patients. She asked for a private room. This is so embarrassing. I don’t know how to repay her. There are two rooms between me and my dad’s room. I doubt he even know that I am here. I am fine now I can breathe properly no need for that oxygen tank.
They said they don’t completely understand my case. Because I just suddenly got worse, no one in my age bracket got hospitalized for covid. I felt like I was dying, like I only need to close my eyes then I can go sleep forever. I was smiling before I really closed my eyes. I had a hard time breathing but it was peaceful and something kept on tellinge that I am dying. So I was holding this two rings I put as a necklace. One for me and one for my boyfriend. I thought I would never had the chance to give it to him. But then I woke up. I pressed this button and a nurse came to my room. Said I was sleeping for almost 26 hours. 26 hours wth.
Anyway they said they don’t know how it all happened. Maybe it really is just not my time yet. So now I just need to finish this iv. Then I can go home I think. I hope.. I can’t imagine how much money we need to pay just for a day.
Death, take me
Sometimes I wish you could be me so you can take all the pain away.
They don’t tell me things. But my dad got pneumonia and he’s in the hospital. Before he agreed to be brought to the hospital he looked like he’s dying and his symptoms are similar to symptoms of covid. The chances of him having it is high.
I’m surprised at me for not caring at all. He might die but he’s just like that random relative I see in birthday parties.
They don’t tell me. But if he really got covid the possibility of me getting it is also high since my mom and I took turns caring for him. I have untreated thyroid issues and it’s bad now because of my heartrate. I fucked up my sytem from all my previous suicide attempts. Paracetamol, ibrupofen, propranolol, coolant, sn. It’s not good to die from having covid but all I’m thinking is that. I could die.
I was an accident. A daughter that was never planned. Why did they go through it? Why didn’t they just abort me when they’ll never treat me equally? Why disturb the unborn?
I failed.. I’ve accepted my death but it didn’t work. At this point I just want to have access to N. I want a peaceful end, let me have one please?
Postal service are you still here? I’m going soon.. i’ll probably do ctb this night or tomorrow morning. Goodbye, my friend.
postal service are you still here?
Goodbye, for now.
I am going for therapy after lockdown. I told some things to my brother and sister, that someone already touched me, I’m not clean anymore. I never went through the details, not about the suicide attempts, not the did. I really want to do it for me, and for my boyfriend. To be better. But honestly, I don’t know if it will work. Going to a psych just seems pointless. Idk. Will it? I don’t feel comfortable. I think I can and will do better without going for therapy.
found out that i have did
anyone here who also have multiple personality disorder?
I don’t know why I can’t help myself
I am not suicidal anymore, I think. Yes sometimes I think of dying, I wonder what would have happened if I just died or if any of my previous attempts worked. But I don’t want to die anymore. I’ve found a reason to live. I’m slowly trying to take care of myself, to love myself, to pay better attention to myself. I want to tell myself that I did well. That I really did a good job. I did outrun my mind. Not completely, the idea of just dying is not yet gone from my memory or thoughts whatever. But I am still proud of what I accomplished.
Thank you for those who commented on my previous posts I appreciate it a lot. Now that I came back here I don’t see familiar faces :(( or names lol. But anyway yeah it’s kinda sad idk if some of them decided to ctb or just deleted their acc. Guess I have to look for them. Idk.
I’ve been on other sites and it’s been a while since I last posted here. I accidentally met someone there and we’ve been in a relationship since the last two weeks. I know that I am happy, that I love him and that he loves me. He’s so sure of us. I’m also sure that I want to be with him but there’s one thing holding me back. I’m scared that I might break my promise and end my life before I can even see him.
I’m not gonna lie that the depression is still there. Yes I am happy but I’m barely getting up from bed if I don’t have to do my responsibilities as a daughter, a sibling, an older sister to my cousins, and being an aunt. It was like that since the beginning. I was programed to clean the house as soon as I wake up and take care of my grandparents as well as my cousins and nephews or nieces whenever they come here. Other than that i read a book or play the piano or watch a tv series.
That’s how my life worked setting aside the mental illness thing. But now I am happy even though I mainly exist for him now not for myself. I want to stand back up again and to get out of this but it’s just so hard. I don’t search ways on how to do it anymore. But I still wish not to wake up the next morning everyday. I still haven’t thrown the things I bought to kill myself and my notes to my friends are still with me.
I really want to be happy. I really want to be with him. I am sure. He is sure. We are both sure. My mind is the only problem. It won’t stop playing tricks on me. I’m scared of myself. I’m afraid that I’ll lose control.
Everyday is a vacation to me. No classes or anything. For the past 4 days I did not do any chores. I’m not sure if it’s just 4 days or more.
My brother finally confronted me through text. Can’t even tell him it’s because of the attacks. I can’t seem to leave my room nowadays because of the sudden panic attacks. Because I might fail my resolve not to kill myself when I leave my room and hear any comments or what from my family.
I want to cry because the me that I just saved yesterday already vanished but the tears are not coming.
The only thing keeping me alive: waiting for the next book release of my favv series
Can someone just tell me how to die? I’m really tired of everything. This is my limit and I can’t go beyond it.