When I look back upon my life, I see the many pitfalls I otherwise naively walked into. All the potential and talent wasted because I had convinced myself it would be a worthless endeavor. I never believed I was intelligent even when I heard it said of me. I had thought, if I am so smart – then why does it all seem so dumb? Why were others so capable of being satisified in the struggle of accomplishing something? All I wanted was to be distracted. Distracted from what was wanted, needed, desired, and/or demanded of me. Not that I wanted to become lazy, or to waste my life away in pointlessness. But somehow, it is what I had ending having accomplished. Doing nothing with a life meant for something.
I can’t help but laugh at myself when I reflect upon what I could of been, could of done, or at least (as they say) gave it the old college try. In some respects, I was lucky. My negative thought process ended up, by certain standards, in helping me to avoid particular situations. I can’t help but wonder however, what could of been. Could I of been the storymaker like as a child I had been so inspired towards? What with the constant television I watched? Could I of programmed things of pure entertainment, like all the games I always played? Could I of made my darkness manifest and done unto the world what my mind so often stressed?
Instead I was swept away by thought, never getting past the could’ve, should’ve, would’ve. As if I had just gleamed the future, I’d of taken a right where took a left. Like it was that easy, had I known. But I didn’t know; and I let it all slip out of my hands. Perhaps I saved myself some trouble in not contributing to society, as it were. And if I died tomorrow, it all wouldn’t matter if my mind proved itself correct. It doesn’t change the fact that I feel like I lived life incorrectly in accordance to who I really am. Though through all of this, I all but forget who he even was. I guess what I have to ask of myself today is:
Will a life left unanswered, be what I leave behind?