Somebody save me from myself.
I have no feelings at all. I cant feel love I cant feel anything. I can lose a loved one and not have any emotion towards it. Sadly that’s the way I like it. Emotions are not for miserable people like me I just live in the moment not giving any affection or receiving its just not my thing.
I’m so fragile it doesn’t make any sense, how can one be so fragile but yet numb. Sometimes I don’t understand myself that’s why I hate everything about me because I don’t know who I am.
For a long time I learned to live in the moment, trust me its not good living in the future or past its miserable. If you live in the future you worry, you live in the past you never forget bad things. I hate being here period I’m just thinking of different ways to ease the pain you know.
My friends are pathetic they don’t even see that I don’t wanna be here anymore I make it so obvious not because I want attention from them I just want their support not sympathy I just want someone to save me before I take the final step but it seems like no one wants to save me or help me so should I just end it all an stop waiting for someone to help me. I’m feeling like I’m on thin ice its just a matter of time before its my time to end it all.
It fucking sucks to be trapped in your own mind, I’m pathetic, mostly worthless I have nothing going for myself I’m not needed the only place I can escape is when I fucking sleep it’s so pathetic. I’m losing my shit.
I say sorry a lot mostly because I think everything is my fault.
Sometimes I wish I was able to be with her she gone she made the final step in suicide. Maybe I should. I used to talk to her about it and she told me it was never on her mind, I always thought she was telling the truth because suicide was always on my mind. I didn’t ever think she would just leave me why couldn’t she just tell me.
Wednesday August 16th, 2017 4:52a.m, I lost apart of me. I miss her so much she came to visit me right before she did it. Literally the day before I feel a sense of guilt like its my fault she did this to herself because of my selfish fucking ways I didn’t even care enough to ask how she was doing if she needed anything if she was feeling down. NOTHING. I cant even think straight when I think about her my mind is so messed up. I was the last person she spoke to and when she told me she was laying in her fucking bed feeling sick I should’ve known. I should’ve fucking known but I continued talking unaware of her life. I’m sorry I should’ve asked, I let you down something that you would have never done to me I love you with everything in me I wish you were here I miss you.
ill be waiting on death with a smile on my face…Finally something I can look forward to.
Yesterday night, I sat in my bed at 4a.m and I asked myself a question. If you were attempting to kill yourself right now who would you call just to hear their voice one last time before you die…And I realized I have no one. So I would rather die alone, in silence than call to hear someone’s voice who doesn’t even care about me. I am under the assumption I will die ALONE, and I’m perfectly fine with it. Why not ?
My inner demons came back along time ago I’ve been trying to win this battle of staying in the positive fighting against the negative i used to tell my self they couldn’t win but now..I just might let them win
I push everyone anyone. No one can try to me love me I’m dead inside I can’t change it for anything it’s just me
- My life is a complete mess, can’t keep positive for shit. I continue to care about people who don’t give a shit about me I care for people to much and I can’t even care for myself I give everything I have to people I know and I don’t get anything well I don’t want anything but when I’m feeling like this at least help me their so fucking selfish they only come to me when I have advice to give or money or comfort. I’m good to die alone it’s comforting knowing that I don’t have to give anything else but my life.
Everyday feels like a fucking Sunday, I do the same thing everyday, in bed thinking of what life would be without me fucking here. I really hate it I tried to get away from this but I mean why keep trying when your gonna be led back on the same fucking path maybe it’s destined
People try to love me but it’s like I’m dead inside I don’t have any affection towards anyone anymore I’m completely numb of other people’s misery and I’m fine with it. Lost my friend a few days after visiting her she killed herself at home in her own bath tub I cant forgive myself for being so fucking miserable not my ask my only friend how she was doing and now I can’t it’s my fault. I feel pain just to hold on to the thought of her.
I’m miserable, misery is the only thing I know now. Love is so dangerous. Trying to live your life is the most risky thing you could ever try. I’m so numb, I can’t feel shit. I keep myself from being lonely things happen when your alone thoughts begin to create themselves when your alone.
wow, I cant believe I haven’t re-visited in a almost 2 years now. I’ve been clean from cutting and not having any episodes of depression. Its 2017 and I can dodge everything that has happen to me…well try. It has been a couple of weeks from February to March and I get anxiety and like a bad feeling I’m going to go into a relapse. It scares me to know I might put myself in that situation AGAIN.
It’s like right this very moment I’m lost in my mind everything is blurry and slow. I’m just going through the motions slowly drowning in lost thoughts.
nothing haunts us like the things we don’t say…..