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KissOfDeath

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Symptoms…. Of What? Asking for help.

by KissOfDeath
written by KissOfDeath

So, this is very different than any other of my posts,
but I have been experiencing some “feelings” and I cannot find a name to these symptoms.
I feel like I can communicate with an outer me, such as if I had a twin, it’s very strange, it started with mirrors, and now I feel like I am not alone, although I am sitting in my room alone, such as another person is her. (Another version of myself.)
I have experienced this before, but only when I have been exhausted, and/or when I go from being surrounded by people for a long/short period of time, to be alone again, I feel as if the people I was surrounded by are still with me. (Not like anything supernatural, not like being in the presences of ghost.)
And I’d even hold conversations with those people before I would realize they were not actually there, this mainly happens when I am exhausted, like in a dreamlike state.
I do believe that I have decreolization/depersonalization disorder, could this be a part of that?
Does anyone else experience this?
Or have any idea what this could be?

Thank you for reading/responding! Always appreciated, if you have any information, please, don’t be afraid to comment!

(Added in August 11, 2015 at 1:24 AM)

I might also add that sometimes when I am sleeping, I will wake up and have “hallucinations”, they are never anything scary, for example, last night I woke up and saw a balloon, with scribbling of “happy birthday” or something, on the side of it, quickly drift from the end of my bed, to the top of the curtain rod on the window right next to my bed. These “hallucinations” don’t scare me anymore, since I have had them so many times, but it is as if I cannot keep my eye off whatever is moving, I can reach for it, try to touch it, but it has no feeling, also I cannot go back to sleep until the “hallucination” is done, and sometimes I decide to stay awake after. Could this be related to the other experiences I have mentioned previously? I mainly see balloons, it seems, but I have even seen a roll of tape before. (Weird, I know.) Also they are mainly always black, the one I had last night was colored, which is rare.

Sorry for throwing a bunch of “symptoms” at you guys, but I figured that since they all seem to be along the same lines of “hallucinations”, I might as well list them all.

Please comment if you have any information or have experienced some of the same things! Thank you!

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsFun & InterestingGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

Mysterious Misery

by KissOfDeath
written by KissOfDeath

It’s mysterious,
the day you change,
suddenly feelings are engulfed by darkness,
and it feels as if you’re carrying a darker shadow than usual.

You wonder if people notice,
but you don’t think they can,
until you get that one person who says “Why are you so different all the time now?”
and you realize that everyone has noticed,
they’ve just been too polite to say anything.

You curse yourself,
but how could this be your fault?
This isn’t something you wanted,
this isn’t something you can change.
You swallow down the pills,
that numb your brain, feelings,
yourself.
To please you parents, your family, your significant other.

You hate this feeling,
but you can’t stop it,
it’s like swimming in an ocean with no raft, no support,
nothing.
And the people in your life are the waves that either crash you closer to shore,
take you out even deeper,
or get you stuck in rip current.

You hate the lack of understanding,
but then again, you don’t feel like explaining,
you don’t really feel like doing anything,
besides covering yourself in scars you’ll need empty explanations for tomorrow.

And soon you’ve been this way for as long as you can remember,
you offer a “Yeah, I’m fine.” when you don’t even know what you are anymore.

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Always

by KissOfDeath
written by KissOfDeath

I’ve always wanted to submerge myself into something that would help numb these feelings,
I’ve always wanted to experience that complete lostness you see in someone deep into their work,
I’ve always envied that.
I’ve tried to lose myself in alcohol,
but these feelings make is seem as if I’m drinking poison.
I’ve tried to lose myself in drugs,
but these feelings make the strongest “uppers” into downers.
I knew these weren’t positive things to lose myself in,
but I didn’t care,
I was so desperate.
I’ve always wanted to be a great writer,
I wanted to paint beautiful scenes with my words,
but creativity seems to be degraded when there’s never a happy ending.
I’ve always have begged to be “normal” or “average”,
but they sneered and said I was “unique.”
I’ve always been told to embrace myself,
but no one seemed to follow when I did.

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsFun & InterestingGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

Questions to make you Think

by KissOfDeath
written by KissOfDeath

Before you convince yourself that now is the time to leave this world and enter a whole new dimension of an unknown abyss, ask yourself these questions. (and feel free to answer them yourself in the comments):

What makes it so hard for you to stay?

What do you view suicide as?

How would you commit suicide?

On average, 6 people are intimately affected by the suicide of a friend, family member, etc.
Who do you think would miss you the most? (Can be more or less than 6 people.)

Why would those people miss you so much?

What is your favorite thing about your everyday life?

What are some goals you have for yourself? (Doesn’t even have to be big goals)

What are 4 positive things that you would miss?

I did something similar to this before, and as a result I noticed a lot of people thinking more about their situation, myself included. I think it’s a good idea to ask yourself some personal question where you realize the value of your life. I don’t know many, or really any of you personally, but what I have seen from past and present post on this site, is that you are all lovely people, that seem to have very realistic goals in life, and I would hate for those goals to be demolished by suicide. Even if you don’t feel as if you have people in your life that would be affected if you left, and even if you really don’t, you have yourself, the person you were given to take care of and watch over. I know this is such a strange perspective to look at your own life as, but you received your own body, your own thoughts to nurture and grow with. And I understand that some days you just fall so deep into such a dark place it never seems like you’ll recover, but days always get better, I’ve been through some shitty days, days I didn’t want to recover from, days where I spent the entire time laying on the floor, incapable of even crying, but it got better, it always gets better, because when you hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up. I hope this post helped someone, even if it helped you a little tiny bit, that would brighten my day, and make this one of those better days. 🙂 Feel free to comment, I respond as much as possible! And I love reading what you guys have to say, positive or negative. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, I really do appreciate it.

From one person struggling with suicide thoughts to another.

-KissofDeath

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Welcoming the Non-Welcomed.

by KissOfDeath
written by KissOfDeath

It seems like forever since I’ve been on this website, and I pity myself for needing to come back, for needing to vent about something that never leaves, the follows me as close as my own shadow.

This feeling, this dreaded feeling is back, and as I try, day by day, to push it to the back of my mind, all it does is grow, feeding off my happiness.

I’m upset, so upset that it seems that all is going well, yet this feeling won’t allow me to feel joy, to feel anything besides remorse. I want to be the one who is always smiling, not just externally, but internally too.

There’s no way to avoid this feeling, no way to diminish it, so I might as well welcome it.

So here I am, welcoming the ending, with shaking arms and a flooded heart.
Maybe when I’m engulfed by this feeling, I won’t feel anything anymore.

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Dear Counselor

by KissOfDeath
written by KissOfDeath

I watch you listen to me,
but do you really hear me?

You use that sweet tone of voice, I’m sure that everyone gets,
I want to trust you, but your eyes are full of judgment and pity.

I am seeking help, but I am sure this is going to doom me.
I have nothing to say, I am choking on my tears.

I am so desperately looking for the solution to fix this problem.

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

The Rope

by KissOfDeath
written by KissOfDeath

I don’t understand what you’re expecting of me,

your needs a bottomless pit.

Just because you don’t understand these feelings,

doesn’t make me a misfit.

I don’t wish you to understand,

this mind, it’s my own personal hell.

I’m scribbling down my note written in my own twisted fate,

hoping no one remembers to tell.

The rope, hung ever so delicately,

my last and final hope.

The knocking on my door loudens,

as my body begins to mope. 

 

 

 

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Family & Friends EffectsStories of Loss

It’s Time to be Selfish.

by KissOfDeath
written by KissOfDeath

People call suicide “Selfish,”

Well I believe it’s time for me to be selfish.

All this world has done for me is drag me down,

it’s the weight that’s pulling me down to the bottom.

Why should I care about others feelings being hurt,

when they have done nothing to benefit mine.

We’re all going to die sometime,

so why not do it now?

Get it over with,

so the scars of grief caused by our deaths heal,

so our sorrow of being alive will end.

 

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of Loss

Permanent Scars

by KissOfDeath
written by KissOfDeath

Our eyes met,

and for some reason I just couldn’t resist you,

I fell fast and so did you.

But then the sweet words you called me turned sour,

the touching wasn’t so gentle anymore,

you left bruises and scars,

but somehow it felt better to go through this pain with you,

than without.

I never believed in God,

but I started praying for death,

hoping some greater power could take me out of this misery.

Your mean words became my reality,

and my bruises you left on my body never healed,

they were permanent.

I left you, with swollen eyes and a heavy heart,

never knowing if I would find someone that would make me so miserably happy.

 

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