I’m eighteen, I’m a senior in high school, and I’ve attended four different high schools, one for each year essentially. I’ve suffered from depression since I was eleven (due to childhood abuse), and during the beginning of my sophomore year, I suffered from my first severe flash back starting my downward spiral of PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder. During the fourteenth week of school that year, I was admitted into a private mental health facility for inpatient treatment. I was there for eight days, and right afterwards, I attended iOP which is intensive outpatient; it lasted for six weeks. So I was gone from school for seven weeks, and during that time it was in between semesters, where even though I was in the hospital, my school refused to give me my schoolwork, tests, and midterm exams (I attended an alternative school in iOP). I failed. Every single class. English 2, Geometry, World History, Chemistry, Band. I failed them all. I was in a mental hospital, my school refused to give the hospital and my mom the work for me to complete, and I failed. My GPA at this point went from a 3.4 to a 1.8. Now, I’m sitting on only needing two more credits to graduate (Algebra 2 and Economics), and I am failing everything but Algebra and Band, and my principal is saying that he won’t give me my diploma unless I’m passing everything. It really sucks too because I’m in the midst of a depression episode and I don’t have motivation to do anything. I don’t know what I should do. I’m so fucking overwhelmed and I’m starting to have mild suicidal thoughts again. I told the dean of students the other day that I’ve been skipping class because I’ve been having panic attacks. I get ISS. My principal told me today he doesn’t understand how I’m failing art classes (I’m in three art classes), but I have no motivation for art. It makes me angry. I’m burnt out from it. I’m suffering a creative block. I’m so fucking sick of my life. Nothing will ever work out. Everything just goes wrong for me.
I turned eighteen almost a month ago, and I had been in a remission type deal from my Major depressive Disorder for about six months. Until last week. I feel no motivation to do anything. It takes so much effort to take a shower at night, I went from taking full showers at night, to half showers (standing in the corner of the tub and just washing my hair), and then to saying “I’ll just take one in the morning” and end up allowing all three of my alarms to go off and hopping in the shower to wash my hair five minutes before I have to leave for school. Throughout my depression, getting out of bed had never been an issue except for twice, and for this last week it has been a struggle every single day. I am truly frustrated. I have been admitted in a hospital before; I was fifteen, it was my sophomore year and I was self harming. Now is a different story. I feel so down. My depression is purely episodic and lasts for months on end. I’m supposed to graduate high school at the end of next month and start college in August, and I was planning to work all summer. But now, I’m not so sure. This depression right now is so bad that when I try and focus in school, the words I’m hearing from my teacher’s mouths just muffles and my thoughts block the actual words I’m hearing out (if that makes any sense at all). I can’t focus, I can’t do my work, I can’t even do anything without getting pissed. I’ve been on four or five different meds and I’m probably on my sixth therapist in two and a half years. I’m just struggling with my everyday tasks, everything is overwhelming me and sometimes I think the only way out would be to end it all. I have all the hospital information worked out, I have already prepared a psychiatric advance directive and so I know where I want to go if I do, I would just like to sort out other personal affairs before going. I don’t know if I should but I really really want to…. Is that bad? I’m tired of worrying about depression episodes all of the time. I’m tired of being depressed. I’m also currently on Effexor ER, Adderall ER, and in biweekly therapy. What do I do?