I’m back in my hometown for the summer. It’s between the semesters for college, and I’ve been suffering the entire time. Is it odd that the moment I stop on the pavement I got a stomach ache? I couldn’t get a job and I’ve chosen to drop one summer class. Just from those two things, my parents think it’s reason enough to beat me. To scream at me. To call me ‘retarded’. They didn’t even pay for my classes. My grandmother left me money for college; from things like this… but they think that because I spent it on a class that I dropped, I’m […]
For those of you who know me, I’ve been gone for a while. A few months or something…
Well, there have been improvements and destruction! i haven’t really felt depressed or sad in a long ass time. I’ve no idea how long. I think this is dissociation. Or something like that… I’ll explain a little more. Um… Whenever I think about Niel, the man who literally turned my life around and gave me hope in everything I gave up on, I immediately think about something else. It’s like my brain won’t let me think about him anymore. Mostly because… whenever I remembered him, even if it’s […]
Unfortunately, I have returned. Aha. I’m laughing. Why? Because it’s not that I have ‘returned’, I’ve always been here. I’m just in the front right now. Clara has decided to pull out of the frame and I am here once more. Belle.
Now… I’ve managed to get her body a little bit addicted to sex. She’s horny a lot… and well… Clara isn’t one to try and be horny a lot. She doesn’t want to feel anything towards anyone other than her dearly beloved who passed away almost a fucking year ago. I can’t wait for when she realizes how needy she truly is. You would […]
I’m just going to put up a question from time to time for all of you. Answer it however you want.
If there was one thing you could change about yourself, what would it be?
How do you benefit from others?
What are you most proud of?
My birthday was a week ago.
but I needed to spell this out somewhere. I’m tired of spelling it out to myself when I already have heard it a million times.
I hate my birthday. Every year it comes and it reminds me of all the pain I’ve lived with, how long I’ve dealt with shit and have never had help, and it reminds me of how long I’ve lived and have seen, heard people say that they don’t know me when they see me everyday. It reminds me of every failure. It reminds me of all those things people have said to me. I wasn’t planned, […]
Last night was a very rough night for me.
It started with just hanging out with one of my new friends here, I call her Teru. She has multiple personality disorder. So talks to them in her head and functions everyday like normal with them. Well, her and I hooked up with a couple of our guy friends. The one she hooked up with, she felt that they could trust each other and do whatever and still be friends. She trusted him. Later that night, at two something in the morning, he broke her trust and hurt her. He poked at one of her personalities. You […]
My name is Belle. I have never been on here before but I’ve been observing Miss Kyu for a while and I decided Â why not try it out just for the hell out of it? Seems fun enough. I am miss kyu’s darker and more hated side. She hates me. Haha. But she has no choice but to want and need me. Where else will she push all her regrets and negative emotions? Today is her birthday, she hates her birthday. So it’s a day where she runs away and lets me out for some fresh air. All day, both of us have been […]
I laugh a lot and turn things around
I change pain into laughter
I smile when I should cry
I lie to myself
I lie everyday
Tonight everyone is out partying
I was invited to a few
Boys are texting me
In all honesty
It disgusts me
They just want to fuck
What good is that?
I want a hug
I want someone to hold and someone to hold me
However many times I’ve lied
I might as well just light myself on fire
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll allow myself to ever show pain again
I wonder if I’ll keep smiling and laughing
It’s a hopeless cause all over
I’ve lost that one person I trust it all to
No matter how many […]
After the little incident, I’ve kind of calmed down. It took me a panic attack and about an hour of biting viciously to calm down. Which sucks. I broke my personal goal of no more biting. :/
I think I’m letting this situation get out of hand. I tore myself up about it and now I just need to let it go. For crap’s sake, it’s college. I don’t understand why I beat myself up over a fucking one night stand. So for a few days, I’ve been recovering from my stupidity and getting back on track with classes. It was going pretty well. Then last […]
I think I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
Some of you know by now that I’m in college, i’m a freshy. I’m trying to make myself keep all the promises I made to myself while here. One was don’t fucking hook up with anyone before the end of the first year. This is for personal reasons. I know that after I do shit like this I’m going to regret it and beat myself over it like there’s no tomorrow. I promised him I wouldn’t be with anyone until after November. I’ve kissed two others guys, do stupid shit, and now I’ve come […]
So… after picking up my martial arts class, I got involved with Quidditch. Don’t call me a nerd because if I were actually a hardcore nerd, I would be dead right now. Quidditch is intense. It’s like rugby with three hoops and three balls and a running snitch. It is tough! I was already sore from martial arts, my shoulders were dead. I couldn’t even do a pushup they were so dead. Well, we started off practice with running, karaokes, and ‘superman’s. I failed the superman part. I couldn’t fucking do it right. It sucked. I’m not a fast runner, but it was awesome, and […]
Recently I’ve picked up a martial arts class. Originally I picked it up to be able to kick peoples asses properly for the day I predict I’ll snap. After a few classes, I’ve noticed how rough it all really is. My body hurt after every practice from the breakfalls and hits, but I liked that pain. Like right now my shoulders are dead and my tailbone is screaming with pain. But I like it. Not in a perverted way. It’s more like my old views towards cutting myself, it’s exhilarating. I’m thinking that if I keep at this class and come home every night with […]
I’m fucked. I’m fucked up. My life has been fucked. My life continues to be fucked.
I abandoned all hope in any religion years ago. Wanna know why? Because if God were real, all he’s doing is fucking my life. Hard. No lube, noÂ condem. Just rape babies of misfortune. One right after another. Isn’t it fucking strange how when one little good thing happens, a huge shitstorm follows? Isn’t that strange? I thought it was fifty fifty. A nice compromise. But apparently, little shit called God doesn’t give a fuck. He’ll fuck you over until you’re dead and rotting. Maybe even past that! What made things […]
I’ve made a terrible mistake staying up this late. I’ve no distractions to keep my mind from wandering. It keeps going back to some words that were never ever meant to be viewed as bad. ‘I’ve just had no motivation to get on here, I’ve no one to talk to.’ Aren’t I someone?? don’t i matter at all?? i thought we helped each other, that we promised that if anything went wrong that was too much to handle ourselves, we would reach out to each other for that help we need. Am i not enough? is it because we’re thousands of miles away? Is it […]
I’ve no idea when this started, but I’ve been getting this dominant voice in my head. I’ve thought over it while it was gone, and I’ve realized that I’ve named it. Her name is Belle. Belle is someone who wants to ‘drive me out’ and take over my body for herself. I thought about this long and hard about how long ‘Belle’ has been around. If I really think about it, she’s been around since I was in about third grade. Third grade was when I was really treated as an outcast. So I’m guessing that Belle is an imaginary friend… that never went away […]
I’ve been on here for a few days and I’ve posted some advice… Now it’s my turn, I think.
I’ve been struggling with these thoughts since the end of my sixth grade year. This was when separations between people occurred. I was pushed the outer most edge of the world. I was bullied, and to defend myself, to make myself look tough, I bullied back. I was by myself, I hardly had a friend. When I had chicken pox and was gone for almost a month… nobody noticed I was gone. Except the teacher… of course…
Seventh grade came around and I was at a new school. […]