I know I have to be careful because there is something self destructive within me.
I haven’t been on in awhile, been so caught up in life. Fill me in on whats new 🙂
the bruises they fade, and the scars disappear. yet I’m stuck here hurt beyond disbelieve, looking for answers I can’t find within myself. the memories burn in the back of my mind and come creeping back any chance they get. the way her hands hit my face so effortlessly, or the way degrading words flew out of her mouth. I never felt so small, so afraid. I lay there helplessly on the ground, pleading for what seemed like my life, but not even that would stop her. then the next day would come and there would be flowers, or a heartfelt letter apologizing. I knew it was coming before she even thought about sending them. it was all to familiar now. the beating, then the aftermath. it was a constant cycle, that I prayed to God would just end. she broke, broke me in more ways then one. she belittled me and made me believe every lie she spit my way. making it seem as if I almost needed her and in some weird way deserved this. she had complete power over me, and I handed it to her. I hated her, hated her for what she have done to me. but now I forgive her. not for her, but for me. because like chains shackling me to the past I will no longer pollute my heart with bitterness, fear, distrust, or anger. I forgive her because hate is just another way of holding on, and she doesn’t deserve to have a permanent residence within me.
for the first time in a long time I feel happy, and it’s not because of anyone but myself. I feel so empowered. I’m starting to wear my tragedies as armor instead of shackles. life is 10 % what happens to you and 90 % how you react to it. I’m tired of being sad and not feeling like I’m not good enough. I know in my heart I’m worth being saved and if no one is willing to save me I’ll become my own hero. only then can I say I made it. I’m half way there and I won’t stop until the life I’ve created is filled with nothing but joy and genuine love <3
I’ve got so good and pretending to be happy I sometimes even fool myself, but then I come to the quick realization that its just a facade and everything hits me a thousand times harder. The strange thing is I feel as if this only happens to me……
there is always a dawn, you just have to last the night.
life lesson: kill your enemies with kindness. I am my biggest enemy, therefore I will kill myself with kindness.
my heart: broken into a million pieces, my brain: shattered, my soul: no where to be found. I feel as if my body roams this earth but I am already deceased into the dark shadowy pits of hell with no where to go but down. I can physically feel the overwhelming heat burning through my body. my cries for help are consistent and as loud as atomic bombs hitting the ground. yet, no one seems to hear a thing. I’ve realized I’ve fallen so deep in this trance that no one is there to hear me now. hitting rock bottom is an understatement, people go there all the time. this, this is even greater. I’ve fallen so deep the only person that can rescue me is sadly myself. I constantly question how I got to such a dark place. I could easily blame you, Dad, for neglecting me and choosing your addiction over me. for making me feel as if I’m almost worthless and nowhere near good enough to be loved unconditionally. the hole you have created in my heart is deep and raw and everyday I see you it’s a constant reminder. yet weirdly I now begin to understand you. escaping reality in any shape or form is the ultimate goal at the end of the day. but thats when it becomes scary because you wake up and your lost, you don’t see how far you’ve fallen, and you have no idea the direction to follow to get yourself out. so what do you do, continue to consume anything or everything to just make it go away, but it only gets worse and worse and worse. until you face it head on nothing begins to get better, yes you may get lost along the way and you may hit a thousand dead ends in this crazy maze to get yourself back, but don’t you owe it to yourself. when there is no hope left just think about the people who you’ve decided are not good enough to save yourself for, what you are choosing to leave behind. because this, it will consume you completely from the inside out and before you even know it, you won’t be walking this earth half dead anymore but you’ll slowly but surely be six feet under. then its to late, but you could careless right. I mean you put yourself there. Dad, I’ve watched you drown yourself in alcohol for far to long, it has taken its toll on me physically, emotionally, mentally, just in every way possible. I can honestly no longer take it, because I’ve watched you turn into an ugly monster and I always promised myself I won’t let it happen to me, that is not the life I will choose for myself. but somehow in some way I’ve chosen for myself to jump off the deep end, willingly. But today, I also choose to no longer live this life I have sadly created for myself. getting high was my first thought every morning, staying high was my only thoughts throughout the day, going to sleep high was my only thoughts before bed. I got higher than a kite right before your eyes and you were so blinded by your addiction you let it happen. I needed you to be a Dad and show me, not only tell me that its not right. every single time I felt those pills slide down my throat, or that instant high when I did line after line, I thought about you, nobody else just you. because I finally understood you after all these years. when I was high, I could have cared less about who I hurt and what would happen to me. I could have cared less if I just dropped dead. its almost scary to me because I know deep down, the way I feel, you feel it, you are just to scared to admit it. what scares me most is you won’t be around. you won’t be there to walk me down that isle, carry your grandchild, watch their baseball games and give them advice on how to track a ball out in center field, watch them graduate from high school. you won’t be here to see me change my life around and finally say Dad I made it. you won’t be here to watch my children have children and not only be a awesome grandpa but be a awesome great grandpa. you won’t be here to watch Gehrig rock it out on the baseball field or Choncie create a life that most people dream of. I want both of us, not just me, or not just you to be here throughout this wonderful life. my addiction may not be as great as yours, but I strongly believe that together we can do anything in this world. you may have been absent throughout my childhood and adolescent years, yes you were there physically yet you weren’t really there to me. there is no question that you love me or this family because I can see it in your eyes, this addiction just has a strong grip on you, a grip thats not only tearing you apart but me as well. I’m tired of you wreaking of alcohol, it literally comes out of your pores and that smell makes me sick to my stomach. the saddest part is watching Gehrig watch you do this to yourself. you may not see it as a problem but I don’t want your life to be cut short over something that you have complete control over. I always felt I was never good enough for you, that no matter what I did, or what I said nothing would change. I’ve always felt second to alcohol, which is not fair to me. but I’ve learned that I need to accept that and stop using that as an excuse for my actions. I can’t remember a time or a day you didn’t have a beer in your hand. when I think of you my mind wonders to there, that, that is not what I want to think about when I think of you because you truly are my biggest role model and a huge inspiration in my life, yet when I think of you, all that come to mind is alcohol unless I really sit there and remember all the thing you have done and continue to do for me. when I think of you I want to think of the hard working man who loves his family so much he would do anything and everything for them, a man who doesn’t know the meaning of giving on on something or someone. the strength you have to endure the unfair hand of cards life has dealt your way. those, those are the thing I want to think of, but everything you do is masked by alcohol. when you watch our games, any chance you get to “check the car”, any party that were at, at home just watching some tv, I could probably be dying in the hospital and I wouldn’t put it pass you do have a beer in that flask. you can not be sober if your life depended on it, well thats what you’ve showed me over the years anyhow. I have my own demons that I’ve decided to battle, not ignore anymore, but really battle. I can tell you this much, I need you, I need you to help me, I’m reaching out to you as your daughter to help me, get help, but most importantly help yourself as well, because you can never really help someone if you can’t help yourself first. so please do this not only for me, but you as well. if this is too much to ask I’m sorry from the bottom of my heart, I want you to walk this path with me, but if you choose not to or you can’t, know I can and will walk it alone. LIFE ISNT ABOUT FINDING YOURSELF ITS ABOUT CREATING YOURSELF. I no longer want to use drugs to hide the pain I feel so deeply but let it rise to the surface and do what needs to be done, not only for myself but the people I love, and love me unconditionally. I know this path will be a hard one to walk and its going to be a lifetime battle, I just pray that I don’t have to walk it alone.
thousands and thousands of miles may separate us but we are all somehow connected in a weird type of way. nobody really understand us so we all find ourselves here writing as a last ditch effort to miraculously get saved. writing eases my mind and it feels as if the weight of the world somehow gets lifted off my shoulders for a hot second. but lets face it, this site is not interactive enough for me. really looking to make more friends who understands the struggles I continue to face day in and day out. so email me and lets vibe. email: splostgirl hope to hear from ya’ll soon xoxo.
email me if you need me, I would love to listen to your stories and just offer a listening ear without judgment because trust me when I say I understand completely. Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
when you told me you loved me, I believed you. now your nowhere to be found and I’m here falling off the deep end with nobody to catch me. this fall feels never ending, like I’m stuck in time, just floating there in emotions greater than sadness, pain, and loss. I’m trapped with no way out. You, you were suppose to save me, I can’t save myself. but now thats my only option. how can one save themselves when they look in the mirror and see absolutely nothing, I don’t even feel worthless, its greater than that, greater than disappointment. it’s just nothing. that’s when you know it’s almost your time. yet I feel almost scared of what I’m about to leave behind. its a dilemma so great, so beyond even myself.
It’s like a horrible nightmare I can never seem to wake up from. It haunts me, and just when I think its gone, it comes creeping back. I run, and run, but it always catches me. No distance or time is long enough. It’s become a part of me. A cluster fuck of emotions I can’t even being to sort through. It’s almost cruel the way my mind works. It keeps me up at all hours and taunts me till I’m banging my head against the walls, or better yet, till I have that scissors, knife, or razor blade pressed sharply against my skin. I can never get away from this sadness and in reality I don’t even know if I want to because its become so comfortable, and thats the sad part.
the saddest part: you don’t understand and I would never want you to be able to, because this, this type of sadness is like drowning beneath the waves in water that is two feet deep and all you have to do is stand up to save yourself, but you just can’t.
And it hurts that I can’t be what everyone wants or what anybody needs. And it hurts that I can’t be what I want or what I need. Because I’m not enough and I won’t be enough. And I’ll never be close to enough. And I’m just so damn tired……
I’m not crazy, their there, always there. They linger in the back of my mind and demand to be heard. Oh the pain, the sweet agonizing pain. Have I created monsters inside me in hopes of never being alone?
when the demons inside you come out to play……
Just when I think that I got everything under control, life never ceases to throw a curveball my way. Moral of the story LIFE SUCKS always has, always will. What is hope nowadays? I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom for the thousandth time in two days. What to do, what to do?
I don’t even know why I’m sad anymore. I can’t even remember what it’s like to be happy, thats the sad part. Do you remember being happy? If you do remind me, please!
when I was younger all I wanted to do was grow up, now I just wish I was 5 when life was easy and carefree. Growing up sucks, period.
suicide does not end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better <3