I wish I had the balls to kill myself. I’m too weak to do the shxt successfully. Which makes me even more of a loser.
I don’t like you. I like the thought of you. The attention you give. The affection you show. That’s what I long for no matter who it’s from. See this void is like fckn black pit. It draws things in. Drugs, alcohol, you. And when it sucks the life outta that, it’s on to something else. Something more thrilling. And I can’t stop it. Even if I wanted to. This leach was created by someone whom I don’t even know can fix it. But it’s my hole. It’s my well. It’s my pain. I try to cover it up. Dress it up. Put make up on it as if its an accessory but really I’m its accessory. It’s got such a hold on me that I’m not even who I say I am anymore. Sometimes I’m me then next I’m a slave to my pain. Like a fckn doctor tryna cure myself with all the wrong meds. And I know it. But it’s the high I do it for. The chase. The boy. The ten seconds when life feels normal. But then it all stops. And all the pain. All hurt. All the shxt I thought I got rid comes back ten times harder.
Hadn’t been on here in awhile. Hadn’t cut in awhile either. I guess I was doing good. But now I’m sinking.
I just feel like ITS ME! Everything that goes wrong is because of me. I’m always the guilty party. When I try so hard.
I tell ppl all the time that Imma fckd up person. That they shouldn’t be involved with me. I can’t possibly be anything good in your life.
It’s hard to explain.
had a guy over. And he turned out to be a cuddler. I am too. Sometimes I just wanna be held. I wanna be the lil cub instead of the lion who protects himself from everything. But as I laid there I realized, I’m too vulnerable for this. I got up with feelings. Feelings that really aren’t for him. But for the idea of him. I loved the idea of him being here. And the whole time I wished he was someone else. And this is why I don’t get too close.
Growing up I was daddy’s little girl until my brother showed up. He took my shine and he could do no wrong. He’s never had responsibilities or the pressures that I’ve had being the oldest. And I’ll always resent him for that.
My daddy used to hit my momma. I was the oldest. So I was smart enough to know. I watched. I heard. I cried for her. Then he started abusing me and my brother. My momma knew. She watched. She heard. She NEVER intervened. NEVER! I resent her for that. She let us grow up in that household. She kept us intrapped in that violence. He used make us strip naked to get whoopings. My daddy hit us with his fist. Kicked us. Threw us. He’d even turn the belt around and beat us with the buckle. I’d go to school bruised up. My momma would clean my wounds. But she could never erase them. The abuse was never ending. I couldn’t escape. I feared my father for years. No one can ever hurt me like he can. His words ripped me apart. His hands scared me for life. I still have scars from when I was young. They come with memories. With pain.
Eventually my momma left. After I was well into my 20s. I was happy. Finally I was free. Yet, I really wasn’t. I still walk around with this pain. Why did she wait so late to leave? Why did she watch him hit me? I’ll never understand the things that went on in that house.
I’m not living. I’m just existing. Going through the motions of life. Never happy. Never content. Never satisfied.
I wish I could hide out. Hibernate like a bear. Or fall down a hole and no one finds me. Like I wanna run away to Mexico where nobody knows me or my past. Then I could be whoever I wanted. Or if I could disappear. Or be a fly on the wall. [because they have short life spans] I just don’t wanna be me anymore. I don’t wanna be here anymore. I don’t wanna hurt anymore.
It’s funny how I ask to be normal. I wanna do normal shxt.
Like I wanna have a normal day. Get out of bed, shower, eat, go to work, come home and go to sleep. I can’t even do this.
My day is more like wake up crying [cause I wish I were dead] cry in the shower and don’t wanna eat. Call in because I’m too sad to work or go to work and cry. Then have insomnia all night.
Ppl take for granted the ability to have a simple day.
Sometimes I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. Like I’m bipolar. Or something worse. I feel like I lost myself. This isn’t the person I remember being.
Or is it?
The fear of never being good enough
So me and my momma aren’t talking. Well I’m not talking to her. My depression really affects her the worse. She’s seen me at my worst and in rehab. I’ve fought her. We argue like crazy and I’m not very respectful. I mostly take all my anger out on her because of some childhood shxt that I won’t get into. Point is we aren’t talking because she said I don’t respect her. Which is 100% true.
I’m gonna break this down. Imma horrible fckn person. I cut myself. I’ve tried to kill myself. I don’t bellieve in myself. I don’t love myself. So how in the hell could I ever be anything to anybody. If I treat myself the way I do, then I could never treat anybody else better.
So with this epiphany, I told my momma I’d stop talking to her cause I can’t be respectful, loving and caring.
Am I wrong?
My uncle died back in February. He had a seizure that ultimately took his life. He sat on life support for almost 2weeks before they pulled the plug. When I saw him the first time, I knew there was no chance.
I stood in the hospital room and watched him fight for his life thinking this should be me. I wish I could switch spots. What he do to get what I had been asking for. He wanted to live. I didn’t. He had kids, a wife, and ppl who cared. I don’t. So why did he go instead of me? I know that probably makes me selfish because I wanted to take his spot but I don’t understand life sometimes.
I loved him. It was two long years with him. I cared. I gave 100% everyday I was with him. And the fact that he wants nothing to do with me is the worst feeling ever.
So I heard he was cheating on me. Which turned out to be a lie. He breaks up with me. I go take him his clothes. I get there and he won’t even acknowledge me. I run after him. Trying to get some kind of closure. He won’t give me any attention. That’s when I snap. [being ignored is my biggest pet peeve and what triggers my depression is usually boys] so I jump on his back trying to cling to him. A fight breaks loose. After all that he finally says this isn’t gonna work and we need a break.
I have a hard time letting boyfriends go. I fight long and hard. I think wether I’m in a relationship or not really affects my mood. As sad as that is. When we were together, I was happy. I was normal. Now we have been broken up for almost a month and I’m losing my mind. I’m not stable enough for this. I tend to throw everything into a boy when I know that is my biggest trigger. That’s what sent me to rehab. That’s what drove me to cutting.
Honestly i just want somebody to stick around and believe in me cause I clearly don’t believe in myself. I want somebody who loves me for me and NEVER leaves. I got a degree. I got my own place. My own car. I got everything but that. It depresses me because [not that I’m at the top] but the top is so lonely. No one to share my success with. No one to come home to. Just me and my dog.
I went driving. Thinking “how fast do i need to drive into this tree to kill me and cash.” [cash is my dog by the way] What kept running through my head was my baby. I cant leave him but i don’t have the heart to kill him.
I shoulda drove off the road that night.
Its hard to fight depression man. Its like it creeps up and takes over. And im doin what im supposed to but when im alone, my mind wonders. I get sad. I have thoughts. I hate bein alone.
I got my whole world wrapped up in a dog. When I got out of rehab, I needed a friend so I got one. He’s everything to me. I tell him my secrets. I cry on him. His love never changes. He never knows what I’m going through yet he is always there. He depends on me. Who am I to leave him. This is crazy right?
I wish there was a pill that killed me. I just want a way out. But I’m too weak to do it myself. I always think “what about my dog?” Or “how will anyone find me if I kill myself at home?” Those are things I shouldn’t be worried about. Am I truly ready to off myself?
Yesterday I tried to kill myself but the metal was so cold against my head. I had a fool proof plan that I was too weak to pull off. I got bullets. Got a gun. Cocked it. Held it to my temple and tears started to flow. I’m not strong enough to pull the trigger. Imma fckn loser.
I honestly wish I could disappear. Or I could pay someone else to off me. Clearly Imma failure and can’t do it myself. How much of an idiot do you have to be to fail at suicide?
Ive been lonely. So lonely. I want a husband. I wanna come home to somebody. I wanna wake up to somebody but I push ppl away. I ruin my own relationships with my crazy actions.
Nobody understands this pain.
I walk around with scars on my wrist from cutting myself. I wear long sleeves in the summer so no one will ask about it. I take razor blades from work. I’m really losing my mind.