Yeah.. I uh.. I have started drinking beer. 4% of alcohol, but it still counts. I know. I f*cked up really badly. So badly that my only true friend threatens me that she’ll abandon me, just like that, if I don’t stop. I somehow find a way to f*ck up everything I can.. I just wish I f*cking killed myself when I had the chance to.. I just don’t want this life anymore.. I am only alive right now, because if I killed myself, my only true friend would too. Only because of that. No other reason. If it wasn’t for her I’d be dead by now. But now she’s telling me she’ll abandon me if I don’t stop doing something that helps me. Well f*ck everything. I know I’m only 14 years old and that I shouldn’t drink but who the f*ck cares anyways. Now I just want to get drunk, take all the sleeping pills I have, and just fall asleep. And never wake up.
Yeah, as the title says, I gave up.. I am not a fighter, and I just can’t see myself winning this battle anymore. I don’t have much time left.. Well, I have 4 days, to be exact. I guess this is the last goodbye to the world.. Not like I’ll be missed by many, but hey..
Thank you, my friends, family, for making me want to kill myself. Now I will, because of you all.
And to my only true friend – I loved you so much. I’m really sorry.
So.. there goes my story I guess.
I am currently 14 years old. I am a girl. That girl that’s always there for everyone, the girl that’ll help no matter what. That girl who’s always ‘happy’. Or at least, I am the one the others want me to be. I’m always smiling, always laughing, always joking around. But no one understands how much I just want to kill myself. Why you ask? Well.. First of all, I’ve been dealing with depression for over 2 years now. And it’s not just depression anymore. I have a few more personality disorders. I also have anxiety. Yes, I have experienced anxiety attacks. Second of all, I have a family that pretends to care, but they actually don’t give a sh*t. They afford me everything, they give me everything they can, but they don’t give me the only thing I really want. Love. Yeah, that’s right. I don’t feel like I am loved by them. They call me names, tell me that I’m ungrateful, that I’m a piece of trash, that I’m arrogant and rude, etc etc. They always yell at me for everything I do wrong. And every time they yell at me, I am so, so close to getting a panic attack. And at the end of everything, they want to cuddle, hang out and stuff. They’re abusing me. Mentally. When they first found out about my depression, their reaction got me sad. Really sad. “We afford you everything, we show you love, and what do you do? You go and be depressed for no reason at all!” For no reason at all.. Thanks dad. Thank you so much for saying that. “You’re not a part of this family.” Yeah, you sure show how you love me. Third of all. People have always been teasing me and insulting me because of how I look, because of how I act.. ”You’re a fat pig!” ”Haha, you’re so stupid!” ”What’s wrong with you? Why are you so weak?” Well, if only you knew my whole f*cking story, you’d understand. or maybe not, but like I care. Anyways, fourth of all, my so-called friends. They are always there and they love me when they need something from me. They just use me. Every friend I had, every friend I helped, told me that they’ll help me. But then what happened? I asked for help, for them to be there for me, for them to show me that they care. And what I got? “I’m sorry, I don’t want to talk about your problems.” And just like that, they left me. They all left me all alone. I literally have one real friend who really cares about me, and others, even my so-called childhood best friend, they just don’t give a single sh*t about me or how I feel. I would come up to them and say “I want to kill myself..”, and their response would be “No you don’t, stop joking around.” I mean, even when I slit my wrist, they just yelled at me for it, and then acted like they didn’t care. I stopped cutting because I promised my so-called childhood best friend, but lately I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure, and I just couldn’t control myself anymore. It’s not that cutting makes me feel better. It just makes me release all that anger I have in me. It makes me calm, I guess. And ever since I started to cut again, I’ve been giving hints to my ‘friends’, I’ve been telling them that I’m not fine at all. But they didn’t even notice it. Well, f*ck it. I have no one to talk to about my problems, except my only true friend. But I can’t bother her with it. She has her own problems. So that’s why I’m telling you, if anyone’s reading this, my story. I’m just a f*cked up girl with real mental issues, that wants to be helped. I guess I cannot get what I want. Who the f*ck cares anymore anyways. I wish I could just commit suicide. It’d be the best for everyone. I’m just sick of living my life for other people.
I hope one day I can just gain the courage, and kill myself. I really hope.