This place makes me feel better. I finally have found some sort of acceptance in the fact that I am going to die. It’s nice to be able to just accept. I still feel this urge to fight and scream and holler at the sky with my pleas of hope and change, but I suppose that is only natural. There really is little to no point in this post. I was simply feeling incredibly alone and needed somewhere to type my thoughts out. This probably will get my post banned or something, but if anyone is willing to take in a 21 year old dude that simply wants to make you happy let me know. It sucks, you know. I’m not even that bad looking a guy, I’m broke, yeah, but all I want to do is love and give foot massages after seeing what a long day you’ve had at work. This post truly is a jumble of words all crammed together. My mind is a myriad of mazes with a never ending emptiness to them as well. So contradictory yet so understandable in a way. Anyways, if this does get posted and are interested let me know. Try not to get banned in the comment section so I can see it, haha.
I’m starting to permanently make up my mind when it comes to suicide. I’ve had suicide attempts before and I’ve bounced back from depression at times, but this time it’s different. This time I can feel something pulling me towards death. It’s as if the world wants to take me back or as if death has fallen for me and it wants to take me home. I’m scared of shooting myself, I’m scared of waking up in a place full of pain and suffering despite the fact that I want to die in order to escape the daily pain I feel.
I have no idea what lies beyond death. There are so many theories yet non of them bring comfort. Hell, heaven, reincarnation, all these possibilities seem so real yet so false. If I kill myself will I wake up in a place full of fire only to get raped by demons? Will I wake up in a place full of ecstacy and happiness, is heaven even an option? Will there be nothing, an endless void of dakness consuming me or will I be forced to relive my worst memory over and over again due to my “selfish” actions.
I wish I knew, I wish something, anything could bring me comfort. For all I know I’m already in hell and I have to relive this life over and over again. I don’t know. I’m lost in my own sick and twisted thoughts. How did I end up here?
All I ever wanted in life was to be happy. I dreamt of having that white picket fence around my house, a loving wife to come home to, that sweet yet dull job that was from 9 to 5. My dream seemed so simple, so achievable. Little did I know I was being naïve, life isn’t so simple. The things we want most are the things we never get. I hate that so fucking much, I hate how my dreams have all shattered, I hate how alone I am, I hate the fact that I’m screaming as loud as I can yet no one comes and helps me. Can I even be helped at this point? How would you even be able to help a stubborn fuck up like myself? The answer is simple, you can’t.
My mind is my own worse enemy and it won. I’ve lost my sanity, my willpower, my spirit, the things that used to make me, me. I’ve lost it all. The only thing remaining is my life… is it time for me to have my life taken? If so, where will I go? What’s going to happen to me? I don’t know… I just don’t fucking know anymore. I’m frightened and alone and all I want is to wake up from this nightmare, I just want to wake up and feel love again. I want to wake up and feel accepted, I want my life to feel like a life. I just want to be happy, why has this world rejected my basic human need to feel happiness? What did I ever do to you? Whatever I did, I’m sorry. If my life is what it takes to rectify things then my life you will have, but please, I beg of you world. Wherever I end up, please, let it be free of pain.
There’s this emptiness inside of me that I can’t shake, I’ve been suicidal since I was 17. People kept telling me that it would get better, but things got progressively worse as I aged. I’m going to be 21 soon and I have no job, enough money to buy a gun and a family that will be heartbroken if I die. I’ve wanted to die for so long now, but the sadness my family would feel makes my heart weigh heavily.
I feel a constant stream of hate, shame and dispair whenever I remember my past. I’ve lived a long life of awkward situations and disappointment. I feel like an enormous burden to my family at times, I know they mean well, but it’s disgusting how much help I need. I’m an anxious mess, I shake out of fear half the time and feel emotionless the other half. Even I’m able to recognize what a complicated mess my head is. There’s something wrong in my head and I can’t fucking fix it. I don’t know how to help myself, I don’t even know how to drive a God damn car. My family is here, but I still feel so incredibly alone.
I always daydream about some girl coming into my life and helping me through all of this, someone that genuinely likes me for me. Even as I type these words I am filled with a small shred of hope that I’ll find my magical unicorn in this place somewhere, filled with as much dispair as me. I know it’s false hope, but that’s all I have anymore.
I can feel my time ending. I can feel myself fading. Soon I will have a gun pointed towards my head and all that keeps racing through my mind is if I will have the courage to pull the trigger. I want the courage to pull that trigger. I know it won’t hurt, but the fear I feel is something I cannot help. Dying is terrifying, yet liberating. It’s as if human beings have to die in order to earn their freedom from all the pain and torment this world offers.