a falling star

On the 1st of December 2019, i posted my last post. A month after, on the 4th of January, i attempted suicide. I overdosed on pills. My parents were witnesses, they found me, apparently dying. For a few weeks after, i thought it was all a dream. Until my father showed the empty pill packets, I didn’t believe him.

It’s been nearly a year since my attempt. It’s much better, I might even say I’m happy.  But… I can sense a change. It’s not depression and the thoughts of dying anymore. It’s lack of empathy and emotions. I don’t care about the things I used to be so stressed about before.  i don’t care about being alone. I see death as an art. I have changed. For the better. Darker.

 

I was broken from the inside.

The depression slowly chipped me away, finally devouring me.

I could not beat the negativity.

I hated myself. Even though I tried so hard demanding my memories that kept getting cut off to ‘wake up,’ all I got in return was silence.

I‘d rather stop if I cannot breathe.

I asked who could be responsible for me.

You’re the only one.

I felt utterly alone.

It is easy to say “I‘m going to end it.”

It is very difficult to actually go through with it.

I’ve been struggling through the difficulty.

I told myself that it‘s just me wanting to run away from everything.

It’s true. I really did want to run away.

From me.

From you.

I asked, “Who‘s there?” It’s me. It‘s me again. And it’s me the third time.

I asked, “Why do I keep on losing my memory?” They said it‘s due to my personality. I see. It’s all my fault.

I wanted someone to notice (my suffering), but no one knew. Of course, they wouldn‘t. They never met me before.

I asked why people live. Just. Just. They live “just because.”

If I ask why people died, they would probably say they couldn’t bear it any longer.

Troubling thoughts flooded my head. I never got the chance to learn how to change dull pain into pure joy.

Pain is just pain.

I kept reprimanding myself not to do so.

Why? Why can‘t I even end my life with my own will?

I tried figuring out the reasons for my pain and suffering.

I already had the answer. I was in pain because of me. It’s all my fault that I carry so many imperfections.

Teacher, is this what you wanted to hear?

No. I didn‘t do anything wrong.

I used to think that it’s so easy for doctors to blame your personality for the suffering in their calm voice.

It surprises me how I am feeling this much pain. Those people, who have suffered worse than I, seem to go on living perfectly fine. Those weaker than I am live on as well. I guess not. Among the living, there is no one who is suffering worse and no one who is weaker.

The only answer I got back was “just live nevertheless.”

Asking the purpose of life more than one hundred times is not for me. It‘s for you.

I wanted to do it for me.

Please don’t say things you don’t know.

How could you ask me to still look for reasons behind my pain? I told you multiple times why I‘m suffering. Do I need more reasons to be in pain? More dramatic details in my stories? More stories even?

I told you already. Were you absent-minded when I told you? Things you can bear and even come above do not leave scars.

It wasn’t my responsibility to go against the world.

It wasn‘t my path to become world-famous.

That’s why they say it‘s hard to go against the world and to become famous. Why did I choose this path? It’s quite funny now that I think about it.

It‘s a miracle that I endured through it all this time.

What more can I say. Just tell me “good job.”

You did great. Tell me I suffered enough.

Even though you can’t laugh right now, just don‘t send me off blaming me.

Good job.

You suffered a great deal.

Good-bye.

“I was broken from the inside.

The depression slowly chipped me away, finally devouring me.

I could not beat the negativity.

I hated myself. Even though I tried so hard demanding my memories that kept getting cut off to ‘wake up,’ all I got in return was silence.

I‘d rather stop if I cannot breathe.

I asked who could be responsible for me.

You’re the only one.

I felt utterly alone.

It is easy to say “I‘m going to end it.”

It is very difficult to actually go through with it.

I’ve been struggling through the difficulty.

I told myself that it‘s just me wanting to run away from everything.

It’s true. I really did want to run away.

From me.

From you.

I asked, “Who‘s there?” It’s me. It‘s me again. And it’s me the third time.

I asked, “Why do I keep on losing my memory?” They said it‘s due to my personality. I see. It’s all my fault.

I wanted someone to notice (my suffering), but no one knew. Of course, they wouldn’t. They never met me before.

I asked why people live. Just. Just. They live “just because.”

If I ask why people died, they would probably say they couldn’t bear it any longer.

Troubling thoughts flooded my head. I never got the chance to learn how to change dull pain into pure joy.

Pain is just pain.

I kept reprimanding myself not to do so.

Why? Why can‘t I even end my life with my own will?

I tried figuring out the reasons for my pain and suffering.

I already had the answer. I was in pain because of me. It’s all my fault that I carry so many imperfections.

Teacher, is this what you wanted to hear?

No. I didn’t do anything wrong.

I used to think that it’s so easy for doctors to blame your personality for the suffering in their calm voice.

It surprises me how I am feeling this much pain. Those people, who have suffered worse than I, seem to go on living perfectly fine. Those weaker than I am live on as well. I guess not. Among the living, there is no one who is suffering worse and no one who is weaker.

The only answer I got back was “just live nevertheless.”

Asking the purpose of life more than one hundred times is not for me. It‘s for you.

I wanted to do it for me.

Please don’t say things you don’t know.

How could you ask me to still look for reasons behind my pain? I told you multiple times why I‘m suffering. Do I need more reasons to be in pain? More dramatic details in my stories? More stories even?

I told you already. Were you absent-minded when I told you? Things you can bear and even come above do not leave scars.

It wasn’t my responsibility to go against the world.

It wasn’t my path to become world-famous.

That’s why they say it‘s hard to go against the world and to become famous. Why did I choose this path? It’s quite funny now that I think about it.

It‘s a miracle that I endured through it all this time.

What more can I say. Just tell me “good job.”

You did great. Tell me I suffered enough.

Even though you can’t laugh right now, just don‘t send me off blaming me.

Good job.

You suffered a great deal.

Good-bye.”

 

I never met you. I only saw you by watching videos online. When i read your letter, i feel like i wrote it myself. I feel your pain as if it were my own. I miss you. Why do i feel like I lost a very close friend. Listening to your songs… I always cry. I wish you never left. Your last words break my heart. I miss you so much. I feel my pain and sadness in your voice. 2 years have gone by, but it feels like it were yesterday when you left this world. Thank you, for living. Even though you are not here, i feel hope whenever i listen to your songs. They make me want to live. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. May you rest in peace. 18.12.2017

Your words are forever engraved in my heart….

You really, truly, did a good job. Thank you so much for living.

I want to fall in love. I want someone to love me truly, with all their heart and life. I want to be love……

I wish i could disappear from everyone’s memories. Watch them from a far as they carry on with their lives, happy, without me, a burden. Leave to a far away country and live alone. Thinking about life and repenting on everything i have done. I think i have caused enough pain to my love ones. They have enough pain in there lives, i am insufficient. Thay have enough shit going in there lives, i am a hindrance. I wish them all the best in this world. I love them too much. It is best i disappear so they can be happy. I’m sorry, i love you….

why is it that the people i love and care for neglect me and forget me. i give all my love and it’s just ignored, as if i never existed. i know we carry on with our lives and new things happen, but if you really truly loved me and cared for me, you wouldn’t forget me totally. it hurts me when a person who meant so much to me pretends as if we where never friends.
just tell me if you can’t be bothered with me anymore. i know that i will break cause of the pain of them leaving me, but… even if they do leave me, i will always love them, infinitely and never forget them.
fuck man, it’s so fucked up
it’s so complicated, my head is such a mess.

The moment i think it’s getting better, that i feel at last, it comes crushing back. Again and again. Always the same. Just fucking hopeless.

my psychiatrist has diagnosed me with adjustment disorder. i wanted to ask if someone else that is also diagnosed with it can tell me their personal experience. i have some doubt regarding the diagnosis.

i sit in the darkness of my room whilst my favorite playlist is playing. it’s 2 am in the morning, i’m awake staring into the distance and at the night sky. thoughts are flying through my head, the voices are screaming, i am silent. i wish upon a falling star to disappear. i think of the peace i would feel if that would happen, i pray for it. i wish i could stay in this moment forever, i don’t want the sun to rise… i am such a mess

“whatever happens, know that i will love you forever and be on your side no matter what happens. even if you harm yourself or kill someone, i will love u, love me even if i make a mistake.”
i’m sorry, i just couldn’t tell my best friend this, scared that she will leave me.

I don’t see a reason to carry on anymore. I don’t see the point. At last, I started getting better. The thoughts of dieing had nearly dissapeared. I was happy at home, I enjoyed being with my parents. But, I’ve done something that is going to dissapoint my parents a lot. When I imagine their faces of disappointment, the words they are gonna say, I feel like I’m drowning. I can’t bear with the feeling of shame. I’m so pathetic. After all the improvement, it has all gone back to the start. Maybe even worse. Anything I do, I feel empty. I can’t even cry. I get so stressed that I can’t breathe, I feel dizzy and I feel like vomiting. Day by day, I imagine what is the best way, the least painfull way to die. I’m scared of myself cause I think that when my parents find out I will actually attempt to end my life. I’m counting the days. I pray that my parents will understand just a bit and that they won’t be that harsh on me. I wish someone could help me, drag me out of this hell.

my mom makes fun of the fact that i’m suicidal. she says that people who are suicidal are egoists, attention-seekers. she keeps on telling me that i am the cause of my depression. as time goes by i hate her even more.

I’m very embarrassed to say anything about how i’m feeling. I’m very nervous when i have to tell someone how i feel. I have the feeling that i’m burdening someone with my problems. I feel hopeless and empty. My name is Lora and i’m 19. I suffer from depression. That’s why i started seeing a psychologist. I did a few tests and the results said that i do have depression but my psychologist thinks that it is not depression, that it’s a just part of puberty and that it will pass. I haven’t told him about my suicidal thoughts and about my acts of self-harm cause i’m embarrassed. I haven’t told my parents. I don’t want to tell them cause they won’t take it seriously. I’ve been constantly having fights with them ever since i remember. I hate them so much cause they doesn’t let me do anything. I can’t go out cause it’s dangerous, i can’t wear black cause it look as if someone in my family died, i can’t dye my hair cause they will feel embarrassed about it, i  haven’t entered university cause they didn’t want to let me go and live on my own. They didn’t let me pierce my ears but i pierced them without them knowing. When my mother found out she was so mad that she didn’t want to talk to me. I can’t even make a stupid decision by myself. Whenever i have to make a decision i have a feeling that i’m going to fuck up my life for good and regrett it till the end of my life. I want someone to help me. I want to cry everything out and have someone hug me but that is never going to happen. I have so much on my mind that i feel like i’m drowning, i can’t breath. I feel so mad. I really want to die and end everything cause it’s driving me mad.