my psychiatrist has diagnosed me with adjustment disorder. i wanted to ask if someone else that is also diagnosed with it can tell me their personal experience. i have some doubt regarding the diagnosis.
a falling star
i sit in the darkness of my room whilst my favorite playlist is playing. it’s 2 pm in the morning, i’m awake staring out into the distance and at the night sky. thoughts are flying through my head, the voices are screaming, i am silent. i wish upon a falling star to disappear. i think of the peace i would feel if that would happen, i pray for it. i wish i could stay in this moment forever, i don’t want the sun to rise… i am such a mess
“whatever happens, know that i will love you forever and be on your side no matter what happens. even if you harm yourself or kill someone, i will love u, love me even if i make a mistake.”
i’m sorry, i just couldn’t tell my best friend this, scared that she will leave me.
I don’t see a reason to carry on anymore. I don’t see the point. At last, I started getting better. The thoughts of dieing had nearly dissapeared. I was happy at home, I enjoyed being with my parents. But, I’ve done something that is going to dissapoint my parents a lot. When I imagine their faces of disappointment, the words they are gonna say, I feel like I’m drowning. I can’t bear with the feeling of shame. I’m so pathetic. After all the improvement, it has all gone back to the start. Maybe even worse. Anything I do, I feel empty. I can’t even cry. I get so stressed that I can’t breathe, I feel dizzy and I feel like vomiting. Day by day, I imagine what is the best way, the least painfull way to die. I’m scared of myself cause I think that when my parents find out I will actually attempt to end my life. I’m counting the days. I pray that my parents will understand just a bit and that they won’t be that harsh on me. I wish someone could help me, drag me out of this hell.
my mom makes fun of the fact that i’m suicidal. she says that people who are suicidal are egoists, attention-seekers. she keeps on telling me that i am the cause of my depression. as time goes by i hate her even more.
I’m very embarrassed to say anything about how i’m feeling. I’m very nervous when i have to tell someone how i feel. I have the feeling that i’m burdening someone with my problems. I feel hopeless and empty. My name is Lora and i’m 19. I suffer from depression. That’s why i started seeing a psychologist. I did a few tests and the results said that i do have depression but my psychologist thinks that it is not depression, that it’s a just part of puberty and that it will pass. I haven’t told him about my suicidal thoughts and about my acts of self-harm cause i’m embarrassed. I haven’t told my parents. I don’t want to tell them cause they won’t take it seriously. I’ve been constantly having fights with them ever since i remember. I hate them so much cause they doesn’t let me do anything. I can’t go out cause it’s dangerous, i can’t wear black cause it look as if someone in my family died, i can’t dye my hair cause they will feel embarrassed about it, i haven’t entered university cause they didn’t want to let me go and live on my own. They didn’t let me pierce my ears but i pierced them without them knowing. When my mother found out she was so mad that she didn’t want to talk to me. I can’t even make a stupid decision by myself. Whenever i have to make a decision i have a feeling that i’m going to fuck up my life for good and regrett it till the end of my life. I want someone to help me. I want to cry everything out and have someone hug me but that is never going to happen. I have so much on my mind that i feel like i’m drowning, i can’t breath. I feel so mad. I really want to die and end everything cause it’s driving me mad.