rivets

Do you delve deep into yourself to find out who you truly are, or do you delve deep into your dreams to create an idea that you call yourself?

It’s all a bunch of words. Words, words, words. It’s amazing how little people say so much of the time. Have you ever spent time around people who compulsively jabber? It’s like they need to fill in all the empty space with meaningless noise, as if they’re terrified that they might stop existing if they don’t. Or that you’ll forget about them. My team lead at work is like that. I can only play the receiving role for so long before the smile cracks and I have to go stand in a quiet corner and hyperventilate. My facial muscles hurt from the strain. And it just goes on, and on, and on, for 12 hours every single day. I’ve called off one day every week for the past three weeks and I’m not even tired from the work. It’s the constant, mind numbing chitchat. Everyone everywhere I go does it. Everyone at home does it. Can nobody sit and enjoy the quiet for five minutes without having to make more meaningless word sounds? This planet is so incredibly annoying sometimes. I like cats more than people. I don’t think I need to explain why.

Here’s a smile-cracker that stood out last night: If you have to lay down and go to sleep, do you stand up when you wake? No. Bad. Stop that.

I have this feeling like I’m waiting for something. It’s been there so long that I can’t recall what it is. Will I know it when it happens, when it arrives? Or will it pass by like anything else? It’s a feeling that never connects with anything. It strives for itself, to justify its own presence. And it never goes away. Things could be looking up, I could feel a little hopeful, but it’s always there nagging me about nothing, for no reason. It’s in a dark corner counting the seconds as they pass by in a mechanical haze. It’s been over 35 years. That’s a lot of seconds piled up in one lifetime. And for what? You go to work, participate in the unthinking, unfeeling economic machine for 8, 10, 12 hours a day, 4, 5, 6, maybe 7 days a week, months on end, years on end, decades, and you’re the same as you ever were. Your experiences are measured and replicated across countless lives, all participating in the same form of living, all forced into the same habits and routines. I guess it makes sense that some people frazzle out and stop functioning properly for their role. They’ll call in sick, play hooky, get irascible with their authority figures, break some laws, cross some lines. There are days I find that path appealing. As long as it’s different, a rupture of the ordinary. It gets so tedious when every job, every neighborhood, every city is the same for every person, and every person is formed into something similar in response to it. Every house is the same, every building, every strip mall. There was one building near where I live that was built to look like a giant basket. I don’t know if it’s still there or not. Even for all it’s strangeness, it was just as boring as any other building. It’s all a bunch of misfolded proteins eating holes in the grey matter of the Earth. Is this entropy? I don’t know if I like it much. I do like the idea of everything falling apart eventually. There’s something cathartic about the inevitability of it.

…of stupid world. Can I exchange it for different world?

Please wait for a representative to become available.

*elevator music*

Just passing the time.

They say hi to all the SP people.

Why is it that every single thing that ever happens in life is just a rehash of things that have previously happened, and I’m always surprised by it? Wow, I didn’t expect that to happen. Oh-well, pass the booze. I’m gonna be here for a while, I bet.

It seems like this thing we call society is made up of a vague impression of what everyone around us values, and how they think things ought to be, or how they think things are. I don’t like talking about society because it feels like I’m assaulting all the people who don’t fit into whatever generalization I’m thinking about, and reinforcing the reasoning of the people who do fit into that generalization. And I would never want to reinforce bad qualities in people who have them. I also don’t want to tell anyone what they should think or how they should feel about something according to social norms that I don’t know the source of, or purpose behind. I’m pretty sure most of those norms, authority, and privilege are completely arbitrary and only exist as a kind of psychic drug that huge amounts of people are hopelessly addicted to. We have so many drug rehabilitation clinics to treat crack or meth use, but none to treat the really destructive addiction of feeling superior to other people and/or forcing others to accept those arbitrary positions of privilege, and encouraging them to desire it for themselves. It’s like peer pressure to mainline IV stupidity, and it’s totally legal. It’ll warp your perception more than LSD, man, and the fuzz will even give you some if you ask for it. Crazy, right?

Social distancing. Shhhh. Stay quarantined in your apartment. Watch stupid nonsense on youtube forever. Play video games. Chase cats. Walk to the grocery store, and walk home carrying groceries. Talk to no-one.

But I am a robot. How can I answer that question honestly and still post things? I’m a lying robot. Bad robot. No oil-cookies for me.

Hello nature, goodbye noise of airplanes and traffic. May you be banished forevermore. Bring on the leeks.

Is it amoral to smack someone upside the head with a baseball bat if it’s for a good reason? Asking for a friend.

Just a little bit. Legal issues. Car got impounded. Ride to work is consistently late to work. Stress headaches every day. Life is peachy, cops are great, I’m going to have to write a Christmas note to the cop who pulled me over. “Thank you for your service! You’re doing a wonderful job preventing working folks from being able to survive in this economy. I hope you get a bonus this year and won’t get run over by a bus while writing a ticket!”

You know, I sometimes wonder why we call it mental illness. Why not call it what it really is – affliction of reality. Reality is the worst affliction.

Just relax and listen to hippy shit.

The ghost of George Carlin speaks.

Not ever. Except when drunk.

That civilizing force. Everything’s boring now. It’s all scripted. You have you entire life laid out for you, like noble children of old, only now it’s everybody. I don’t think this is the kind of egalitarianism past generations dreamed of.

Now everything is cheap. Cheap, yet expensive. It’s cheap to make, expensive to pursue. But pursue it, we must. Why? I don’t know, because all the other lemmings are doing it. And if you or I don’t do it, too, the lemming police with baton you in your lemming head. The boundaries are strictly defined – in this world of blurry, hazy transitions, it’s mind boggling how precise our boundaries are. We’ve given up the natural transition between root and mycelial networks and soil for binary dilemmas and mathematical precision.

Some days I just want to watch it all burn down.

Maybe I’m a monster, or maybe it’s psychosis. Who knows. I’m feeling super irritable lately. Once this patch is crossed, I can start saving up for a little plot of land and a trailer or something.

The  world is absurd. Politics are absurd. The news is absurd. Even an absurdist would feel depressed looking at this sheer lack of exploitable material that exists in the present. Everything is doing the work for them already, and there is nothing left to make fun of. It’s all making fun of itself.

Hourly jobs are absurd, and yet countless humans the world over continue to clock in precisely on time every day.

Healthcare is absurd, and yet countless people stress over how they’ll pay for their procedures (in the States, at least) every day.

The economy is absurd, and yet countless people worry that the housing market might crash again and we’ll enter a new recession worse than the last (spoiler: we will).

College is absurd, and yet countless students continue pursuing a piece of paper that qualifies them to sit in an office doing essentially nothing for however many hours the corporation they work for demands every day. Assuming they can compete with the hoards of other recent graduates in their field. Don’t even get me started on student debt.

Laws are absurd. How can alcohol be totally cool and fine, when other psychoactive drugs are grounds for firing in most places of employment, when alcohol clearly impairs the ability to work much more than most/any other substance? And don’t even dream of driving around with a broken headlight or tail light. You might get shot by a cop for that.

Civilization is absurd. We’re all so stuck in our tracks that we feel helpless when society turns against us. What even is society but the will of the powerful reverberating unconsciously through the people around us?

And what could be more absurd than to unconsciously echo the thoughts of some wealthy idiot who’s never experienced reality and lives in a stupid Platonic dreamworld? I need more beer.

Would my landlord be mad if I did the equivalent of this, just inside my apartment? Hmm…

Quit gobbling at me all the time, humans.

I wish I lived in a world where humans were not the dominant species on the planet, and had to hide in little enclaves, consumed by the daily tasks of survival, rather than scheming and pantomiming their garbage mass-produced culture. I don’t give two bits of excrement what sports are on TV right now. Give me my beer and stow it.