rivets

Angry gets shit done.

That’s my new motto.

Why is everything always a complicated disaster everywhere?

Screw it. Withdrawal jitters finally gone today.

I had a pretty bad day Thursday night. Last night of the week for me. I only put in 8hrs but by midnight I was having a full-on breakdown from stress/wd jitters/nausea/everything else. Texted some rambly awful crap to my roommate and, when quitting time came around, I just started walking towards home. Roommate drove into the parking lot after passing me on the road (didn’t see me), then txt’d me asking where I was. I just kept walking. She found me about half an hour later. She’s spent the last few nights hanging out with me making sure I’m OK, I think. I feel like shit – I should be doing that for her. Maybe we’re doing it for each other. I dunno. Hopefully I won’t be such a mess next year.

I’ve decided I need to stop talking / typing / thinking / etc. It’s just plain bad. I put my foot in my mouth so much that all I can taste are nasty dirty socks. Especially when I’m tired and have been pulling loads of 12’s and got loaded up with modafinil to plow through it. I took too many last night and now I won’t sleep today, and I’ll do it all again tonight. And our lead is on medical leave, so I’m in charge of running this stupid freaking electric furnace the size of a house while coordinating our team and managing production. The foolish supervisors expect me to not break a bunch of glass and turn the production floor into a seething mass of chaos. Ha! I’ll show them. It’s going to be raining glass by the time the night is over.

But I’ll also have alienated everybody I know and driven everyone up the walls with my incoherent rambling nonsense. It’s like I forget how to listen when I’m like this and I think talking at people is a good compromise. God, I hate myself sometimes. I txt bombed a friend earlier who’s in bed with stomach issues, and I just rambled on about it – it was okay at first, I was legitimately concerned, still am, but that devolved into just… god, I don’t even know. And another friend has been trying to get me to hang out with him on his property, but I keep forgetting to reply back to him at all until he’s already at work and it’s too late to go over. And on and on and on… my stupid bridge-burning knows no end.

Please kick me, or hit me with a lead pipe or something. I swear to god, I need a mental reset. If you reply to this, I swear I will say something incredibly fucking stupid to you and you’ll think I’m awkward and weird. That’s just how I roll. Take it or leave it, or hit me with a pipe to make me shut the hell up. The last one is the best option.

It just has to be narcissists. All my life, they’re just everywhere. I was always like the eye of the storm. I drew hard boundaries with blunt objects and removed myself as much as i could, physically and mentally, but it feels like i’ve spent half my life cleaning up in their wake. Being the support for the victims who didnt, or didnt know how to draw hard boundaries. Have you ever had to listen to your mother tell you about the degrading, soul destroying sexual antics she felt forced to endure for her narcissistic partner? I have. I had to listen to the same shit from my sister. And i listened, and tried my best to steer them out of that mental space – to find some way out of the relationship, to help them see how damaging and unhealthy it was. And here i am, a grown ass man, doing it for someone else all over again. What kind of world are we living in that there are this many sadistic pieces of shit in it? I sometimes wish i could just have normal relationships. I really do. If you have normal relationships, you are damn lucky.

But if I am wrong
In judgment I stand
I will not repent
‘Cos I don’t give a damn
You can send me to hell
With the rest of my friends

The alarm is already blaring.

None of it matters to me very much. I’ve reached a point of numbness and confoundedness that has left me adrift and unsure why I was so concerned about anything. I’ll just work some 12hr shifts forever until I can afford to buy some crap I don’t need and cat toys. Why worry? Everybody dies eventually. There’s not enough time to spend being upset over stupid nonsense that isn’t worth the time or energy in the first place.

…and the ammo. Kthnx.

They’re always the worst kind. Well, I’m doing my best to bust up the routine, smash all the edges and see where all the pieces land. I usually feel more human when I’m in a fresh mold with fresh possibilities. The trick is to keep the momentum going. I’ve been there before, got some progress along the path in front of me, but I always seem to wind up in a ditch because of something I’d rather not loose or a feeling I’d really like to get back. Life doesn’t work like that. I have to keep telling myself that the only way out of a mess is to get up, rinse it off, and avoid the mud next time. It’s hard keeping the faith when you don’t believe in much.

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which indeed appear beautiful outwardly, but inside are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness. Even so you also outwardly appear righteous to men, but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.

Me and God may not see eye to eye, but I totally get what the old sage was on about in this passage. I can understand that sentiment so well it makes me nauseous.

Do you know how hard it is to meet new people these days? It’s next to impossible, especially if you’re a guy. Try online dating sites? Women get bombarded with messages at a ratio of like 100:1. Good luck breaking through that wall.

So I live with this chick – roommate, I have a thing for her. Her boyfriend did live here, but he choked her out to the point she nearly passed out and I escorted him out myself.

About eight months later, she’s still seeing him, still getting routinely battered by him, and even despite knowing I like her.. okay, you’ve probably heard this story before. I know I have. And it’s bullshit. How in the hell does happen so often? I don’t want to blame the woman because I do like her, and I can understand why she wants to make it work with this guy, but it’s insanity from my point of view. And put yourself in my position – what do I do? She says she likes me, too, but that’s clearly not enough to cause any rupture in the status quo here. And the alternatives? Well, I could kick her out and get rid of the one source of human contact I have outside of work. I’ve been doing my level best to try and meet someone else, someone who is hopefully not caught up in this kind of insane drama that might pull me out of it just by her simple presence, but as stated in that first paragraph, it’s like trying to lob rocks over the grand canyon. Equally tough luck meeting anyone locally – small town, limited options, no transportation etc.. I’ll have days where we spend good quality time together hanging out and I’ll come out of it feeling more confident, better, happier, only to have that eroded away by the long delays in txt replies, or having her tell me the awful shit her boyfriend is bombing her with at the moment. It’s absurd, so very absurd.

Just… fuck my life.

Do you delve deep into yourself to find out who you truly are, or do you delve deep into your dreams to create an idea that you call yourself?

It’s all a bunch of words. Words, words, words. It’s amazing how little people say so much of the time. Have you ever spent time around people who compulsively jabber? It’s like they need to fill in all the empty space with meaningless noise, as if they’re terrified that they might stop existing if they don’t. Or that you’ll forget about them. My team lead at work is like that. I can only play the receiving role for so long before the smile cracks and I have to go stand in a quiet corner and hyperventilate. My facial muscles hurt from the strain. And it just goes on, and on, and on, for 12 hours every single day. I’ve called off one day every week for the past three weeks and I’m not even tired from the work. It’s the constant, mind numbing chitchat. Everyone everywhere I go does it. Everyone at home does it. Can nobody sit and enjoy the quiet for five minutes without having to make more meaningless word sounds? This planet is so incredibly annoying sometimes. I like cats more than people. I don’t think I need to explain why.

Here’s a smile-cracker that stood out last night: If you have to lay down and go to sleep, do you stand up when you wake? No. Bad. Stop that.

I have this feeling like I’m waiting for something. It’s been there so long that I can’t recall what it is. Will I know it when it happens, when it arrives? Or will it pass by like anything else? It’s a feeling that never connects with anything. It strives for itself, to justify its own presence. And it never goes away. Things could be looking up, I could feel a little hopeful, but it’s always there nagging me about nothing, for no reason. It’s in a dark corner counting the seconds as they pass by in a mechanical haze. It’s been over 35 years. That’s a lot of seconds piled up in one lifetime. And for what? You go to work, participate in the unthinking, unfeeling economic machine for 8, 10, 12 hours a day, 4, 5, 6, maybe 7 days a week, months on end, years on end, decades, and you’re the same as you ever were. Your experiences are measured and replicated across countless lives, all participating in the same form of living, all forced into the same habits and routines. I guess it makes sense that some people frazzle out and stop functioning properly for their role. They’ll call in sick, play hooky, get irascible with their authority figures, break some laws, cross some lines. There are days I find that path appealing. As long as it’s different, a rupture of the ordinary. It gets so tedious when every job, every neighborhood, every city is the same for every person, and every person is formed into something similar in response to it. Every house is the same, every building, every strip mall. There was one building near where I live that was built to look like a giant basket. I don’t know if it’s still there or not. Even for all it’s strangeness, it was just as boring as any other building. It’s all a bunch of misfolded proteins eating holes in the grey matter of the Earth. Is this entropy? I don’t know if I like it much. I do like the idea of everything falling apart eventually. There’s something cathartic about the inevitability of it.

…of stupid world. Can I exchange it for different world?

Please wait for a representative to become available.

*elevator music*

Just passing the time.

They say hi to all the SP people.

Why is it that every single thing that ever happens in life is just a rehash of things that have previously happened, and I’m always surprised by it? Wow, I didn’t expect that to happen. Oh-well, pass the booze. I’m gonna be here for a while, I bet.

It seems like this thing we call society is made up of a vague impression of what everyone around us values, and how they think things ought to be, or how they think things are. I don’t like talking about society because it feels like I’m assaulting all the people who don’t fit into whatever generalization I’m thinking about, and reinforcing the reasoning of the people who do fit into that generalization. And I would never want to reinforce bad qualities in people who have them. I also don’t want to tell anyone what they should think or how they should feel about something according to social norms that I don’t know the source of, or purpose behind. I’m pretty sure most of those norms, authority, and privilege are completely arbitrary and only exist as a kind of psychic drug that huge amounts of people are hopelessly addicted to. We have so many drug rehabilitation clinics to treat crack or meth use, but none to treat the really destructive addiction of feeling superior to other people and/or forcing others to accept those arbitrary positions of privilege, and encouraging them to desire it for themselves. It’s like peer pressure to mainline IV stupidity, and it’s totally legal. It’ll warp your perception more than LSD, man, and the fuzz will even give you some if you ask for it. Crazy, right?