Last time I was on this site it was on July 11th (my birthday) when I tried to kill myself (I failed) and then I found a tiny glimpse of happiness. Now almost exactly 5 years later I find myself even more broken and on the verge of suicide yet again. That tiny glimpse of happiness I was talking about was my girlfriend we were together for 5 years. We were on and off but still remain close and basically still dated even tho we were on and off (if I’m making sense). Being with her filled me with so much happiness and I fell in love with her. She had cheated on me 2x but idk why if I was scared to be alone but I forgave her and believed her. I always did my best to make her happy even at the cost of my own happiness. Fast forward to today we were on a break but we were still talking and were not gonna date anyone else. Yesterday she texts Good morning and how did I sleep so I tell her “good morning” and I tried to be cute for her and said “I had a certain someone keeping me warm” . I forgot to add the “wish” at the beginning. So instead of talking to me about she went on a date to spite me. I told her how it was a mistake but she kept telling me “how she made plans already” she had a great time on her date and moved on just like that….. this story might not seem like a big deal but think about it this way I lost the only thing that made me happy in this world over a simple thing as a sentence something that I couldn’t t control…how can something like this happen to me how can the one thing that made me happy go away just like that….. I was already handing on by a thread I don’t have anyone to talk to about my problems the only thing I can do is keep them in and just cry about them alone….. idk how much I can take this. I’m alone I don’t anyone to turn to. Once I tried opening up to a friend and he just looked at me like I was pathetic idk what else to do. That little glimpse of happiness was the thing that kept me going and I don’t even have that now
Today is my 21st birthday … For some this day is a celebration , a time to enjoy with friends and cherrish it ppl that you consider precious and they consider you in the same magnitude…… But for me this day is one were i reflect on the things i am not doing in my life and i should been doing. I reflect on the causes of my loneliness, the will to go forward that seems to be slipping away and unhappiness/depression that i keep in secret , mostly because i have no one to talk to … I see no point in this day, this one of the most painful days for me.i wonder why i made it this far and its because i am clinging to a thread of false hope that i trick myself would manifest itself into reality.Hopefully i can keep tricking myself into believing for one more year ….
Well ive finally built up the courage to end it, there zero chance things get better . its like i try to talk to about my problem and ppl including my own mom just toss aside how i feel my depression , everything like is nothing. I just feel alone, im playing to lose.if i feel angry or sad my own family looks at me like i have no right to feel that way . funny thing is me and my mom got in an arguement just now and she wished me death at least she thinks so too . well someones wish is going to come true tonight. And it wont be so bad for once im gone i guess im dying a prisoner of my own misery but will finally be free and my mom and everyone that thinks i should be gone will get their wish its a win win
I dont think anyone can hate me just as much as i hate myself . ive been rejected so many times for so long i honestly end laughing at myself because idk why im putting up with . i dont even know why i continue to look live with depression . someone that is alone like myself will never beat depression or ever find someone to care about me. Sometimes i just sit and imagine to myself how my life would be if i wasnt alone depressed or being with someone special to me but reality is always outside of my mind .im finally begining to wear down. Idk whats the point of my existance . idc if i overdose , kill myself or die in anyway i have become almost immune and numb because if anything happen i think i could be in peace or in hell but idc cus if god Is the one making me suffer why the fuck should i want to see him . i dont have anything to lose except my reality, loneliness and depression. Heres to hoping god finishes me off and ends this cruel joke i call my life.
I cant take it , depression , loneliness , suicidal thoughts , im finally caving in i give up ……hopefully i can go thru with it this time and end this loner life that live with depression
I was watching tv had a couple of laughs then went back to my usual depression when i rembered that i am alone and always been. Cant even sleep cus my own thoughts betray and remind that i am alone and reminding to never dare to hope because it will only lead to more self hate and to more suicidal plans that i try to get rid off but i just cant because its the only way to “get out” of my life. I used to think i could escape into my dreams and forget about my reality at least for a while but that all changed now my dreams seem to mirror my reality giving me nothing to escape or sadly loon forward too. I know i am to weak to just ended but maybe i can get the guts to do it …….
- Turning 21 next month for some its a happy day that they look forward . for me its the day im going to leave this world if i get the strength. My drepression insomnia ,thoughts and loneliness really doesnt make me want to live to see 21. To me 21 means i get one less year on this earth if i were to stay on it . if the devil were real i’d sell my soul , no not for fame , money or material things i’d just to wish for one person who genuinely cares about me and tells me that i am somebody to them.
Everyday I go through the motion’s in my life , the will to live is just not in me anymore. Alone, going through depression it seems like the only thing that can get a tiny small smirk on my face seems to be when I try to think about what if I was happy ,what if I had that someone special in my life, what if I was special to someone else or I was needed but I get mad at myself for even thinking that fit giving myself false hope that just doesn’t exist. I bottle my emotions in until night time where my only release is to cry myself to sleep.I find myself just constantly trying to sleep to hopefully have a dream to where I can feel happiness even if its just for a small period.I wish I was strong enough to just end my life but I can’t even do that . it seems that the only time I pray/wish for strength to just end it all
Feel so empty each day i get more lost in my thoughts , thinking “why me” i tried my best to think it would get better but i was just lying to myself. I realized that my life will consist of depression , loneliness and hiding this emotions that are making wish of painless suicide. I dont have anybody to tell me that i matter or hear my feelings. Wish i could dream and escape my reality . it is the only way i can cope until i get the courage to kill myself.